The end of the week wrap up.

Ok... So, This week has been grueling and icky for me. I work Mon-Thurs and essentially i work out of the house..er... out of my car 2 shifts a day. Missy goes to work with me in the am and I usually leave her at home with daddy for my evening shift. This week though, all of my work was out in Buckeye. Where I needed to get to averaged anywhere from 29-45mi away from home depending on my starting and stopping points. Well, put it in perspective. I drove a total of 500 miles in 4 days... so you get the picture. In order to help me not be stressed out about an hour break between shifts I decided to spend every day IN Buckeye during my breaks. This meant packing enough food and beverage every day for the kiddo and myself so that we didn't have to buy anything. She has really not eaten very well all week. On top of that it also meant she has not napped in 4 days; Not that she naps regularly these days all on her own, but come on... I had to force it this week (she doesn't sleep when she's not at home, she refuses). Luckily I have family and friends who live in Buckeye so at least I wasn't sitting in my car 100% of the time during my breaks, but being away from home with missy for over 8 hours a day... is grueling and tiring. Physically i did less "activity" than if I'd stayed home and sat on my couch, but I was physically exhausted and ready for bed every night by 7:00 just from the schedule I was keeping. Go figure.

Some good that came of it is she got to play 2 days of it with her friends (My friends kids) and got to see her grandma 3 days of the 4. She loves her ba-maw. :) Next time though... i just may come home anyhow. I feel like I've only been home to sleep. This must be what working out of the house moms feel like. I envy them for having day care though. Imagine them keeping the kids ALL day while working and not being home at the same time. I think the suicide rate would go up in a split second if that were the case. But I just don't know how those moms do it either. Every night this week I've either not eaten dinner or had corn dogs for dinner. I've just been too tired and wiped out to even consider cooking and since I'm out of turkey lunch meat... I literally have no options for sammy's either. Ok... I can now think of a lot of options, like a vegi wrap, tuna, etc... but I admit... they all took effort and it was all i could do to keep my sanity until the kiddo went to bed so i could catch up with all your blogs and go to bed. HOLY COW! Miss 1 day and I've got 20 blogs to read, can't say I'm not dedicated. :) Hehehehehe!!

Anyhow, I managed to squeeze in as much exercise as possible mon-wed. Didn't top the 30 minute mark... but at least I was moving. Yesterday i made a pack with another blogger that i would do 20 minutes if she would... Although she hadn't messaged me back saying she would... just saying I would meant I would even if she didn't. I admit, I'm disappointed in not keeping my word. I don't promise something and not deliver... ok wait, I'm human some times I do... but not like that... not to other people, just myself and the hubby. My morning was more hectic than normal and when i got home last night I all but fell asleep on the couch. If kiddo had been in bed... I would have. Guilt is driving me today to do every minute of exercise I can.

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Last night as i was getting off the computer my hubby's aunt emailed me asking questions regarding a comment I made on a picture website I have for the in-laws. I was a little thrown at the interest IN ME and didn't have anything to do with the kiddo or hubby. I mean, she wanted to know about ME... HOLY COW! Did pigs fly yesterday? Umm...background. My in-laws hate me. Hate me so much that they don't talk to my hubby because he's married to me and god forbid he didn't listen to them and leave my butt. Not that I haven't antagonized them with child like quality out of anger at the situation, but that's a whole other blog (or is it). :-) I've done what i can do apologize for my smart comments after realizing i was being petty. But here's the simple truth to put it into perspective, they liked me enough up until he asked me to marry him. And then they reared their little heads and their true feelings surfaced. Even on our wedding day, they told him the "you can still back out. You don't have to go through with this just because the big day is here. There is still time to walk away." 2 weeks before our wedding his mom had a nervous breakdown and then again another one when she found out we were pregnant. Really, any childish issues I've set forth were after the kiddo was born because they can't respect me (or us) for our parenting decisions. And lets face it... when some one treats you like dirt and your a new mom and your trying to hold it together... You kinda lose your cool. Besides we all become an attacking bear for the sake of our children. Yes, when things escalated I did screw up with words and I've done what I can to atone for it. But this year, Hubby and I decided until they treat him the way a son should be treated (because they don't treat him like a son, more like a black sheep cousin) I'm out of it and don't have to put any effort towards them. Anyhow... so nothings changed in a year except I don't have contact with them except for a shutterfly picture website that I HATE doing that I have for them. Yes, hates such a strong word, but no body likes doing things for people who don't like them. Anyhow, That's the short of it... believe me the long of it... Is pretty hellish. So getting an email from his aunt asking nice things about me... kinda threw me off...

Coincidentally it was about a comment on a picture I made in regards to my walking/running path in the park on a day I walked with her and took pictures of her by the pond (I shared them with you in an earlier post :) She emailed me asking me what i was up to, etc... So I ended up writing her this HUGE long email last night. Just like it was one of you. Giving her background, essentially, giving her my story. I didn't do it grudgingly or anything. Quite proud of myself. In the end... I realized, all I want is for them to like me (because I'm a very like able person) :) and I've still not come to terms with how and why they don't like me. Because all I want is to be a part of his family and they ARE his family, as long as they don't like me, I'm fine not dealing with them... but her just being a little nice to me... made me realize how much deep down I'm still so upset over the fact that they hate me so much that they don't call or see their own son, nephew, brother. They don't see their grandchild, neice, etc... except at xmas and this year, I'm tempted to say no we won't come for xmas. We need to be surrounded by loved ones, and they don't even act like they love us (ok me and they treat hubby pretty crappy all year long EXCEPT for xmas). Even hubby is feeling like he isn't loved these days. And no amount of talking to his mom last year about the whole thing has changed it one bit. He tried with olympic efforts to get things in a better place... and it's just not worked except for there is no longer any word bashing.

And really, I'm so afraid she'll grow up the way I did... thinking her grandma hates her all because of the way grandma treats her parents. So... they say a little kindness goes a long way. his aunty proved that. My brother tells me to continue to bestow kindness on them and some day they'll come around. But how long am I suppose to bend over backwards to be liked... I've been doing it for 6 years and in 1 of those I've managed to make it worse, all because of being a mom. I spent 6 months last year trying to make up for my mistakes, and it still has gotten me no where. Xmas day was even uncomfortable because they made it very clear how much they didn't want me there... like I was the white elephant in the room. I've given up, for the time being. I think it's enough to expect them to have a relationship with their son, before I extend the proverbial hand out again. But last nights email makes me think and my brother makes me think.

Sorry I got into all that... didn't mean to. Wasn't going to... But it just came out. Talking to hubby really gets me no where because he's done talking about it until they show him just a little care.

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So today is my day off... i WILL exercise, not sure how or how intensely, but i will. I WILL stay on point and get my eating back into line where I'm NOT using my flex points; I've made good choices and had good snacks, but corndogs for dinner means needing flex points and usually don't use them. I WILL spend most of the day being lazy and hopefully if it gets warm enough (because I can't tell what the weather is doing right now).... set up missy's new pool and spend it lazing in the sun working on a sun burn. No not really... But I'll hope that under the SPF50 I'll put on that some of the whiteness to my body will disappear. I'll gather my old to-do list and make a new one for this weekend into next week, because I've been too busy to even look at it. Hopefully I'll get caught up (ok dent) on my DVR as I've watched nothing on it all week. I'll cook dinner, but i don't think it'll be very time consuming. I will make a grocery list for tomorrow and I'll balance the checkbook and be thankful the bills, for once in over a year... are all paid... ok not all of them... But the ones that keep us in the house, eating and with cable are. :) The Dr bills will have to wait until there is more than this weeks paycheck was. Probably will pay those next week because my woppin' 500 miles and 17 hours will bring home enough non-regular bill, gas, grocery paying money home that i can actually pay some of them. :-) I WILL sit back and enjoy a day off today... the only kinda of day off a stay at home mom can have... a lazy day mixed in with some gotta get it done kinda chores. Ahh... to have a non-mom lazy day would be heaven. :-)

I hope you are all in good spirits today. And although I've kinda been MIA... I've been reading religiously this week. :)

Always,
Jules