Friday, March 20, 2009

The craziness of it is...

The craziness of all this weight loss. Clothes. Today I've been feeling sluggish and a little out sorts. Like I'm coming down with a cold. And while emailing a very good friend of mine it hit me, it's my clothes. I've lost 5lbs since the 1st (my 1st weigh in) and this morning while out on my walk, my pants kept falling down. As big & short as I am I have to be careful that my pants don't dip below my belly without showing it off to everyone. uuggghhhh! This has always been a big fear of mine. I was annoyed with it when i was out walking and even more annoyed while running. And while emailing about relationships... it hit me (I know odd thinking process; relationship & weight loss/clothes) it's my clothes. I'm feeling that fearful dread of what will I do about clothes when what I'm wearing start to not fit? I don't have any money for new clothes and I know I won't be able to fit those skinny girl clothes in the garage for a while. And this thought process made me think back to the last time I bought clothes. It was horrific for me.

I can no longer shop at walmart and Target for clothes because I've gotten too big and I'm just not tall enough for the women's world departments where shirts become odd length dresses on me. And they all look like old lady clothes to me; like what my dear late grandma used to wear. I'm still young or at least I feel young. Anyhow... This all led to a huge light bulb realization in my head. I feel like I've been feeling off and sludgy today because of those same feelings. I don't want to shop. If I lose weight I'll have to shop. Holy crap I can't go thru that again. WHAT THE F'er!!!???? This is not how I should be feeling. I feel happy & sad all at the same time about losing 5lbs. I feel stupid. And this all starts a whole different cycle.

This isn't the 1st time this has happened to me either. Looking back over my calendar, every time I lost weight... i gained it right back. And today I've been fighting that urge to munch. Fighting that urge to sleep and be unproductive. I've been struggling so bad. Heck I ate 2 corn dogs when i wasn't even hungry. I know some people are thinking whoopeedo. 2 corn dogs. but why did I eat them? Because I knew they'd taste good & I was emotionally eating. I don't feel bad about it at least & I'm not beating myself up, because at least I know why and I stopped myself from going further. At least I still have ample amounts of points for dinner and plenty of AP points from the last 2 days to make a good filling dinner; not to mention those lovely flex points to fall back on. I'm just shocked at how easily today happened. And I need to figure out a way to deal with the whole buying clothes issue. Obviously gaining weight to stay into your fat clothes is a very BAD idea :) I think I'll be getting the sewing machine out and working on tightening up some of my waist lines. At least until I've dropped a pant size. Then I guess I'll have to do some thrift shopping and pray to the clothes god to help me.

Always,
Jules

2 comments:

  1. I love your blog...I'm always looking for inspiration to lose weight. We can do this together! I'm now "following" you so I can blog stalk you now. Hee Hee :)

    Thanks for the birthday wishes!

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  2. Ugh. I know this feeling. Can't we just go from now to our old old wardrobe w/o any shopping in between??

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