Friday, March 20, 2009

Waiting & Running Away

Something my new lifestyle is teaching me, is more about myself. I don't know, almost like a fog is lifting. My walks give me the unadulterated time to think and process my thoughts without constant 2yr old interruptions or my ToDo list starring me in the face distracting me. Kinda like how my hot baths used to be for me before I got pregnant.

1 of the things I've realized is just how much time I've spent waiting my entire adult life. Waiting for love, to grow up, to decide what i want to be, finances to get better, to lose weight, to be healthier, to see my Dr's, waiting waiting waiting. You name it I've waited for it.
Along with waiting I've realized how much I've been mentally running away. Running away from Alex (long story), fear of failure in terms of school, love, my childhood, my dreams, fear of not belonging, you name it... I've been running away from it. The list goes on and on and I don't want to cry because the realization of the waiting I've been doing and the running I've been doing brings me to tears. And it's not good tears, tears of sadness.

When I was 18 I set our on my own, moved to another state, all so I could LIVE. So I could do what I've always dreamed of. To just be me with no parental influence. And oh boy did I. I made mistakes, things happened good and bad. I learned to live. Did I shelter myself in some ways. heck yeah, it's hard living on your own in a place where you only know a hand full of people. But i made friends, good friends, I had a life I enjoyed. Yes i got lonely at times, but I was me. There just weren't as many excuses. And when i look back, somewhere along the way, I've lost who I am. I've become this person I'm not even sure of. Maybe I'm still there and just in a fog of fat... fog of fear, fog of running & waiting. But I can see the fog lifting.

So with these realizations and this lifting of the fog I'm seeing more clearly. Realizing I'm tired of WAITING tired of RUNNING. I can see that those 2 things alone are WHY I'm fat. Today on my way home from my walk, thinking about things; 1 of my favorite artist came on Poe and the song was the absolute perfect song at the most perfect moment. 'Walk the Walk'. Made me realize I need to walk to the beat of my own drum (a line in the song). And if I'm not sure what that tune is yet... so, I'll just beat away until the song comes to me. I'll beat away until the fog lifts and I'll beat away the waiting and running games to truly become me. Instead I'll start running.... running towards those things I've been waiting on and running away from.

With that being said, my first step is to stop waiting until I'm in better shape to start training to run. So today i decided no matter how I feel, when i walk (when missy is with me, might not be able to... will try that experiment when the time comes:) I WILL RUN. If I go by myself, I have the perfect spot marked out for my walk and I've now ran in the same spots 2 days in a row. I'll work on increasing distance weekly so that I can be on my way to running a full mile ASAP instead of waiting. No more waiting. Which means, I better go get missy up and go get running... running towards something instead of away!

Always,
Jules

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