I realized the other day that I feel like I'm waiting for the rest of my life to begin anew again. Like pregnancy has had my life on hold... YEAH RIGHT!! I had me on hold... BIG time.
I'm afraid to look back and see what I've gained... I'm afraid of the #.
OK... I just looked my fear in the face... 34lbs from July 1,2009- today. I was pregnant July1st... just didn't know it until the middle of the month, hence why i picked that date to go by... besides, I don't keep weekly #'s these days, just my 1st of the month weights.
I'm Even more afraid that when the swelling goes down... that the weight I am today... will be the weight I am, that it'll be my new starting point. I am officially heavier than when i first started Feb 1, 09. Of course I'm pregnant...this counts for SOMETHING.... but still... when the swelling goes down... Will I or won't I be heavier than when i started my journey? That makes me afraid and makes me feel like I defeated myself... makes me realize what I've been hiding from all these months. I should say, hiding behind.
I'm afraid I've taken such a HUGE step backwards that i won't get back on the wagon when i come home. I know I need to give myself time, etc... But I'm afraid even 1 day at home after delivery without jumping back in the game will = a never getting on and never getting healthy.
So part of me is full of fear...
But the other part of me is really excited to come home next Friday and start getting back in the game. I am planning on April being my learning curve month again. Feb 09 was my learning curve month. Learning and getting habits in place... So now April 2010 will be that month for me. may 1st will be a do or die date. Do get on the wagon and work hard at getting healthy or plan on dying young. I don't want to die young and leave my babies behind... so... there you have it. How it'll all work with a newborn in the house, a possible eviction due to landlord foreclosure sale hanging over our heads, financial status in the air and life in general is BEYOND me. But isn't the point of life learning how to deal DESPITE the balls you have to juggle?
All I know is no matter what life is throwing at me and holds for me... April 3rd (the day after I come home from the hospital) I need to become proactive and work on making sure that MY healthiness does not go to the back burner that i AGAIN start working on making my healthiness journey a #1/1a priority... Because a newborn does qualify as #1 for a while... but I can still share that #1 status... more like 1a... :) I know I don't have to be #2 or even lower on the totem pole.