Sunday, March 28, 2010

Just a few days away.

Just 2 more days to get through... today and tomorrow... and then life begins again. hahaha!!

I realized the other day that I feel like I'm waiting for the rest of my life to begin anew again. Like pregnancy has had my life on hold... YEAH RIGHT!! I had me on hold... BIG time.

I'm afraid to look back and see what I've gained... I'm afraid of the #.

OK... I just looked my fear in the face... 34lbs from July 1,2009- today. I was pregnant July1st... just didn't know it until the middle of the month, hence why i picked that date to go by... besides, I don't keep weekly #'s these days, just my 1st of the month weights.

I'm Even more afraid that when the swelling goes down... that the weight I am today... will be the weight I am, that it'll be my new starting point. I am officially heavier than when i first started Feb 1, 09. Of course I'm pregnant...this counts for SOMETHING.... but still... when the swelling goes down... Will I or won't I be heavier than when i started my journey? That makes me afraid and makes me feel like I defeated myself... makes me realize what I've been hiding from all these months. I should say, hiding behind.

I'm afraid I've taken such a HUGE step backwards that i won't get back on the wagon when i come home. I know I need to give myself time, etc... But I'm afraid even 1 day at home after delivery without jumping back in the game will = a never getting on and never getting healthy.

So part of me is full of fear...

But the other part of me is really excited to come home next Friday and start getting back in the game. I am planning on April being my learning curve month again. Feb 09 was my learning curve month. Learning and getting habits in place... So now April 2010 will be that month for me. may 1st will be a do or die date. Do get on the wagon and work hard at getting healthy or plan on dying young. I don't want to die young and leave my babies behind... so... there you have it. How it'll all work with a newborn in the house, a possible eviction due to landlord foreclosure sale hanging over our heads, financial status in the air and life in general is BEYOND me. But isn't the point of life learning how to deal DESPITE the balls you have to juggle?

All I know is no matter what life is throwing at me and holds for me... April 3rd (the day after I come home from the hospital) I need to become proactive and work on making sure that MY healthiness does not go to the back burner that i AGAIN start working on making my healthiness journey a #1/1a priority... Because a newborn does qualify as #1 for a while... but I can still share that #1 status... more like 1a... :) I know I don't have to be #2 or even lower on the totem pole.


Monday, March 22, 2010

Some times you must go through it to see it.

It's been a month exactly since my last update.

Lordy... let me just say I don't feel like I had this much to do waiting for my 1st child to come along. And we moved 8 days after she was born... so i was BUSY. Crazy life is just as crazy this time if not more.

In exactly 1 week... i'll have my C-section and little man will be here. He's yet to get a name, hell we've yet to narrow down the name options to something more manageable so that when we see him after he's born, we can then choose his name. The fun and power of choosing a childs name.

I've been an eating machine... trying to be a moving machine, but it's been hard. At least I'm not totally a couch potato, but I can already tell ya... it's not going to be easy to get back on the wagon.

But last night, for the 1st time in my life... I couldn't fit into a booth. Ok that's not 100% accurate, I've had times in my life where fitting into a booth at a restaurant was difficult or uncomfortable, you know too close- boobs on the table kinda deal. But I've never experienced the whole actually can't fit into the booth phenomenon. I was actually slightly horrified last night. Had to keep reminding myself "your preggers... your preggers... your preggers". But it did make me feel much more motivated to be sure that I get back on the wagon... i never want to experience that feeling in a non preggers state.

Around here we have a lot to deal with in the next coming months. And lots of it is stress involved. I know it'll make it harder to get back on the wagon, but at the same token... I'm looking forward to starting things off with a bang!! Whomever said life would be easy... must have stillbeen a kid.

My husband is already asking what the new parameters for our deal last year will be... I actually forgot all about it. He helps me lose weight and stay on track he gets a new tattoo. So it's time to set up a new program (or restart old one) start date, end date and goals. It's time to figure out how to get this party started so that he can help me achieve my goals so that he can finally get that tattoo he wants. Because if he doesn't help me... He isn't getting that tattoo EVER!! hahahhahahahaha!! I know, it's up to me... but it'd be nice if he would help curb my laziness, help cook and not complain about menu choices and options for food in the house.

So, here's 1 last hello before I become a mom of 2 and hopefully I can start organizing my life better so that i can blog and read blogs more often the way I want to. Can you tell I'm a dreamer? hehehehehe!!!