Monday, January 25, 2010


Ok, Straight truth.

Last week I worked out 3 days in a row, mon-wed. YEAH!!

And then... I sorta well, I feel like I was clinging on to the back of a moving wagon with my legs flying behind me... cause my proverbial wagon took off and I barely hung on. Needless to say... yeah... I wasn't tracking and there is an entire bag of chips missing, at least it took 4 days to eat, but they were hubby's, I don't even care for the flavor of them... yes sad, very sad... and I even ate my daughters munchkins, i shared i did... but I wasn't suppose to eat them at all.

Oh well, crap happens and the 5lbs of water retention is REALLY sucking and the constipation I'm dealing with is well... both of them are my due punishment. Nothing like being pregnant to help you gain umpteen pounds in swelling.

So... today,

I'm keeping in mind how desperately I need to stay up on the wagon, full body not clinging and flying; lots of water this next few days so that by Wed's Dr apt my weight can be a little more realistic. PLUS I need to be on my game.

I guess the good news is, there really isn't anything else left in the house to snack on except popcorn and I'm too lazy to pop it. hahahaha!! And there is getting to be little food in the house so I'm working on a new menu schedule. Remember my complaining about recipes with no calorie info. Side note: I also hate it when it doesn't tell you how big a serving size is for the recipe. So as I sit down this week to make my menu and then grocery list I'm going to set myself up for more success. I won't even put the dish on the menu unless I can also add the calorie AND serving size to the menu BEFORE i even buy the food for it. This way, if I don't have the info... I'm forced to sit down and get it myself with sparkpeople recipes OR I'm forced to ditch the meal off the menu. By deciding on the serving size BEFORE I cook it... it'll help me know how much to take BEFORE i eat or even cook. Like last nights dinner, I realized AFTER I cooked that a serving size was only like 1/2 a cup! WTF!! Woulda been fine if i hadn't added all my vegi's into the dish... so the dish was all there was to eat, no vegi's to pile on my plate. But I admit... OMG!! It was really yummy and I added all kinds of vegi's too it that it didn't call for and even cut the cheese in 1/2 for the whole dish. But still... Shoulda known a potato dish wouldn't be big portions and doubling up put it over 600 calories just for 1c. Anyhow... the point being, i need to set myself up for success before I even go to the store. Not to mention that I'm hit with hunger so quickly these days that there is no time for cooking for lunch. And due to money, we don't have a lot of ready to eat meals. We don't even keep much in the way of sand which makings except PB&J. I've gotten so good at making sure leftovers are minimal that I've been in trouble this last week. Anyhow, I need to set myself up for success all day. Working on that this week before I'm desperate for the store... New ways for menu planning will be key. :)

So this week I'm working on new ideas and as long as I continue to keep telling myself no on baking some home made banana bread I'll be able to be more successful. And just let me say, I've been craving that banana bread so bad that i even keep thinking of ways to healthify it to help my lovely bowel problem. But in the end, I know I'll eat the whole loaf in 2 days... so it doesn't matter what i do to it to make it healthy... won't be healthy to eat it all in 2 days. So, I guess that's a plus in my willpower. :)

Make it a great week peeps!

BTW, have you noticed when i fall off the wagon... I don't comment on your blogs? Well, yeah... that's cause I hide and don't read so I can stay in my fog. BAD BAD BAD blogger friend.


Wednesday, January 20, 2010

quick update

Not much to say...

Eating's been So-So. Seems like 1 minutes it's good, the next it's crappy. But I'm still tracking and I think in general, I'm keeping portion sizes realistic, not expanded. snacking has been to a minimum. I've yet to have a root beer float with the makings for one that the hubster brought home... but I've certainly been enjoying the mini Oreo cookies he also brought home. I know, i know... I need to kick him in the butt. :)

So far, I've exercised 2 days in a row and as soon as I get off of here, I'll be onto 3 days in a row.

I know, exciting stuff. Not much to say, been busy busy busy.


Sunday, January 17, 2010

Wrapping up the week

I haven't posted these last few days... how long has it been? I'm too lazy to look.

I have been a busy bee. So busy that by today, my body is achy. I found out I'll be heading to the hospital to have little man delivered via C-section March 30th. I'm super excited and it's sparked some "get r done" action into me. My growing list of things to get done before he arrives is sometimes overwhelming. Add that to my normal every day To-Do list, there's a lot. I've just been working on tackling as much as I can every day without overdoing it. That hasn't left much time for the computer. Strangely enough this week has been a "quiet" week for me. Thoughtless week... meaning I've just not had much to say, even on my beloved facebook. Hence why I've been "gone".

Tracking went to the wayside this week, mainly because I've been making A LOT of meals that i have no calorie information on and just have not taken the time to get on and enter the recipes to get the info, plus just have no interest in figuring it out. I am however watching my portion sizes and am working hard to be sure what is going into each meal and taking that into account with how much I eat of it, etc... I've kept my snacking to a minimum and worked hard at keeping it accountable. Some of the meals I made, I do know were pretty healthy as they were 100% home made, even down to the sauces, etc... at least in the sense of no added crap.

Exercise was better than the last few weeks... in the sense that I got in 3 days instead of 2. :) YEAH!! hahahahaha!! I know, only 3! But that's good for me. :) Every little step forward in the right direction makes me happy. But when i consider the physical labor I've been doing this last week... It's just gotta be good enough. Know what i mean jelly bean.

So that's the short story on my week. This weekend has been very busy, on my feet alot and today, I'm desperately wanting to take a do nothing day... But again that damn To-Do list is looking overwhelming and I just don't feel like I can. My house doesn't look like I can. I'll take it easy for the most part though, because I need to.

My goals for next week are to:
1. get at least 3 days of exercise or more in
2. figure out a way to track those meals that I have no calorie info on that is easy and not time consuming. is just too time consuming and I'm not making a seperate pot just for me so that I can measure out each portion of each ingrediant and track that way- ANY IDEAS for me?

Have a great Sunday!!


Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Tuesday without a hitch

Yesterday wasn't a bad day.

Somehow with all my snacking I managed only 1590 calories

AND despite my lack of Will (Yeah I know... when i got done posting yesterday I said I was gonna go workout, I didn't... life just happens) i did exercise for 20 minutes which according to mydiet put my burned calories at 2684 for the day.

I don't know how accurate Mydiet really is... but hey, it's just a guideline right? :)

Anyhow, that's 2 days in a row of pretty decent eating and exercise.

I can do it a 3rd day in a row! I know i can. :)


Tuesday, January 12, 2010

It's the little hurdles that count

yeah me!

Hubby brought home Chips for the Cardinals game this last Sunday and again for the coming game this weekend. Of course he told me to help myself.

I haven't yet.

But today, I've been thinking about them chips. I think it's the salt I must be craving. Doesn't help that for 2 different meals I have sour cream AND cottage cheese (both fat free) in the fridge. HUH you ask? 1 of my favorite snacks is lays classic chips dipped in plain ol' sour cream or cottage cheese. Yeah, I know... sounds... ummm... interesting. Blame it on my mom. hahahaha!!

Anyhow, I have yet to open that bag. YEAH! For lunch i wanted that all time favorite snack, just that and nothing more. I restrained and instead told myself "your not even hungry yet, NO". When i got hungry enough for lunch, I made another Cesar salad (when will I get off this kick!!). the YEAH part is... after the salty goodness of adding just a little parm cheese and cottage cheese on my salad, cukes, the dressing (I added salt to my homemade recipe before adding it onto my salad today) AND some extra croutons... I'm so satisfied those chips aren't even on my mind. YEAH!!

Sorry, really proud of myself for restraining that i just had to share.

Now that I'm done with that... off to have my small square of dark chocolately goodness. YUM!


Sometimes, you just have to quit fighting

Some thing I realized yesterday...

Why am i fighting myself?

Deprivation has never been my forte. I can't do it and trying to do it causes me to BINGE!!!

So why am I so gung ho oh trying to go 4 days no sugar? Cause, the only way I've been able to accomplish this is by keeping so busy that i don't think about food AT ALL!!! But it doesn't stop me from wanting it the minute I slow down. And I mean, can't get it out of my mind until i have it kind of thinking!

I had 1 good day, but I was jam packed and busy, so I had to force myself to stop to eat as it was. And then yesterday as I stuffed my 5th peice of candy in my mouth, it hit me!! Telling myself all day i wasn't allowed, AT ALL!! Was bad! Was my down fall. Hence why I've been failing/caving. i don't do well with deprivation... i do better with parameters. Rules. I do better with giving myself the option, doesn't mean I have to take the option, but having it there takes the pressure off!!

So! There ya go. I'm done trying to deprive myself. I'm not going to try. I am however going back to my rule of only 1 small piece after lunch and dinner. This equals either 1 dark Hershey kiss or 1 square of dark chocolate off of a bar. Sometimes, only 1/2 of those per meal.... that's how I used to do it, before getting preggers. Most the time I wouldn't even eat the whole amount of what I had deemed the RULE. And I always enjoyed that little bit, savored it when i wanted it and didn't miss it when I didn't want it. I still have to figure out what to do with those jelly belly's I haven't opened (some thing I horde and savor also) yet. I think i need to figure out the dark chocolate equivalent of them so that i can add them to the rule when my dark choco is all gone. We'll see. maybe I'll just give them to the kiddo. Luckily, I don't pig out on those. Never have, so I'm not worried. But i should decide on a rule, just in case!!

So I won't rehash the weekend. I will however tell you about my monday. :):):)

It started out feeling like 1 of them days... But i pulled it around, i don't know how... But I did. I found a new home for my exercise ball, and guess what i'm using as chair right now. Yup! Why not? Keeps me engaged right? I don't know, thought it was a good option though for when i'm not exercising with it. We'll see how bad the kiddo is with it... usually causes some issues, but it's time for her to learn. There isn't exactly a spare room to hide it in any more. Anyhow, my calories for the day came in at 1580. I wasn't even hungry all day with what i ate. YEAH ME!! No starvin' marvin!! I did have those 5 pieces of candy that along with 2 pieces of toast as a snack, equaled more than any of my meals. Lunch was salad, YUM! home made Cesar salad kick hasn't ended. Dinner was home made stir fry that was so good, hubby took the leftovers to work and darn it!!! I was planning that to be lunch today. Oh well, at least for once, he ate leftovers without being forced. :)

My activity for yesterday wasn't too shabby either. Mydiet says I came in at 2549 calories burned for the day. Not too shabby for a slow day. I hadn't exercised all day and then right before bed (20 minutes before to be exact) I popped in my new ball pilates DVD and did a 10 minute flexibility segment. I'm in LOVE LOVE LOVE!! So i'm thinking I'm going to do everything I can to do that segment every night before bed. I can certainly use some flexibility. Being pregnant it was certainly a good workout for me, but not too straining or hard that i need to worry about over doing it in my current state, which being so inactive these last 7 months has been a concern for me. But it's enough of a challenge that i still should see some changes over the next few months in my flexibility. :) Also, I'll still work towards doing my Wii Pilates in the mornings 5 days a week. Speaking of which, I need to get off of here and go do that workout! NOW!!


Saturday, January 9, 2010

Another cave in

Yesterday was another day of crappy tiredness. Got nothing, i mean nothing done. Not 1 iota of a darn thing. And it felt good. hahahahhaa!! I really didn't want to clean those bathrooms anyways. I did make a To-do list for the weekend and into next week though. hahahaha!!

Sadly, I did cave in to some chocolate... my daughters Christmas stash. How sad. Oh well, she said she'd share with me, so i'm off that guilt hook. I don't feel guilty either for having caved. This 4 days is really about getting off the daily sweet overload and proving to myself I can do this. Once I get this 4 days over I can go back to only 1 tiny piece of dark chocolate after dinner... not a bite size candy or 2 after every meal. They add up. Then i'm going to work on portion sizes of my meals. Anyhow... Another post really.

Today... I feel GREAT! Lots of energy and although I have some tiredness happening. It's nothing like the last few days.

The best part, I've YET to have any sweets. YEAH ME!! So today is Day 1 of no sugar. I KNOW I can do this and I will. I haven't exercised yet today, but I taking myself off the hook for that today. I've been a very busy bee. I took down all the outdoor Christmas decorations and I've finally forced my hubby to help me deal with the furniture in our spare room (Soon to be babies room). We are taking a break (for food) from re-arranging our bedroom to fit a piece of furniture in there and then we have to tackle the rest of the furniture in the spare room to fit it into the rest of the house or get rid of it, whichever ends up best. He's doing the bulk of the hard work, but boy am I sweating!!

So, here's to a great weekend and getting through day 1 with no sweets!


Friday, January 8, 2010

All it takes is 1 little cave

Ok, so let me just say, I caved!

It didn't start that way though... But i snow balled. Don't I wish there was snow here to roll in for picture effect, but you can imagine. :)

I did so good ALL day on Tues. i swear I did and then I got hit with a bout of pure exhaustion that called for a pick me up coffee... I always make a full pot in the morning and only have a cup or 2 in the mornings. If I need a pick me up, I just heat it up. Sometimes it's not the greatest tasting and there fore I make it a new way some times. Well, Tues without even thinking about it I made a mocha with coffee and hot cocoa. DAMN IT!! 1/2 way through it I realized that constitutes as a sweet. I even checked in with my facebook buddies wondering... ummm... does this count? Yes, i knew it counted, finished it and they agreed it counted. So I figured ok, no more for the night and I'll restart the 4 days tomorrow. YEAH ME!! Tues that was my only treat ALL day!! So not too shabby if you ask me. But still called for restarting the clock. And that was ok too.

Wed & Thurs however were horrible days for me. I have been hit by the kind of exhaustion you get from non stop moving and little sleep for days on end or a horrible illness. I have been unable to MOVE myself off the couch let alone think. Consequently Wed I did not work out. Really, I didn't even get on the computer all day... you KNOW i was tired then. I'm addicted to this device. I did not track my food either and I caved. Caved to the damn apple pie in my Freezer. Hubby even went and bought me ice cream for it because as it turns out, he finished off the ice cream I was hording just for the pie. Why can't I eat apple pie without ice cream? hhhmmm... Another day to ponder that. Thurs ended up with more of the same. I thought for sure when I went to bed Wed I'd be ok thurs. At the very least not so tired.

Boy was I wrong. More the same. I almost didn't work even. Again, no computer all day and the only thing I did accomplish was work, damn finances couldn't afford for me to blow it off otherwise, i would have and almost did despite our needing the money.

So for 2 days I have not tracked even 1 bite of food, I've been eating sugar and not moving from the couch. Poor kiddo, I got home last night from work, she ran into my arms and said I'm so glad to see you!! I wish you felt better, you go rest. broke my heart. I've been such a lax mommy these last 2 days. Wed Hubby and I did do some cleaning out of the spare room that needs to be converted to the babies room. But it's not even 1/2 done yet. it was just moving his collectables out, it was really HIS moving to get it cleaned out. Maybe today I can get us to work on moving the furniture in it OUT into the rest of the house. We'll see.

Today, I'm still tired, too tired to pull myself off the no exercise wagon. I know I need to force myself, I just don't have the energy to talk to myself about it. BUT I'm on the computer because my life has got to STOP STOPPING just because I'm too tired. Today, i WILL track my food, I will journal and I WILL NOT EAT SUGAR!!

I hadn't decided to track or start my 4 days without sugar until i read Dianes post from the other day about first choices. I really needed this post. I went to bed last night and woke up this morning thinking there was no way i'd be able to do my 4 days of no sugar until after that pie had been eaten. All gone. I felt like I'm such a spineless weakling I'll have to wait until it's all gone, I couldn't bear the thought of throwing it out. And then I read Diane's post. I needed it. I know this journey is ALL about choices. I'm choosing not pull myself onto the exercise wagon today because of how I feel. I'm bone tired. And I'm honestly, ok with that. BUT why am I choosing to eat crappy!! It's not like I can't eat healthy. I bought all these fruits and vegi's that i love to snack on so why not CHOOSE them instead. Why not choose to be tired and lazy, but healthy? I know... it all sounds counter productive to me too. But I'm wanting to fall asleep as I write this. So i'm just gonna live there. BUT I'm also choosing to throw that pie away in the trash and to start my 4 days no sugar today!! Not when the pie is gone... which will be a few days still.

So there you have it. That's where I've been. I'd feel like I was avoiding you guys and avoiding eing accountable if it wasn't for the fact that I haven't even been on FB for more than a minute each day.

Here's to my choices today! May they be good despite my being too tired to move.


Tuesday, January 5, 2010

I'm a rockstar!!! (ok not really, but I feel like one)


I did it! Yesterday, no candy, no treats, no sweets. WHOHOOO!!!!

And let me just say, that was no easy feat! I felt like that little devil inside of me was beating the angel into submission. For whatever reason though, angel won.

I think part of what kept me from having any was tracking my calories after each meal. Seeing the #'s really made me think all day. Made me consider each morsel into my mouth. Talk about an Ah-ha moment. DUH!! That's what tracking is FOR!!! Sadly though, my calories weren't any lower than the day before. 2450 for the day. And looking at what i ate, I can tell ya what did not help. 3 1/2 cups of 1% milk throughout the whole day. Dinner was on the high side, but it was home made ham and beans with corn bread. Just like my daddy used to make. And I can tell ya what went into that crock pot was not bad (ok the fatty ham bone was BAD). I had to get that Christmas ham bone cooked. I kept my portion to 1 1/2c of bean mixture. Cornbread, bad girl, 4 pieces when all was said and done. I know, BAD choice!! But hhhhmmmmmm.... it was worth every calorie too. Since I didn't enter the recipe into anything and figure out the calories per serving I just had to guess on FB Mydiet. But, who cares, it was yummy. The rest of the day besides milk was good. No snacking even. WHAT!! No snacking. What happened to me yesterday?

Will Power, motivation... why? Where's it been this whole time? I don't know, maybe finally getting back to being accountable and reading my blogger buddies blogs for inspiration. Facing pregnancy is NOT an excuse and just finally going, ok, enough is enough. I'm determined to spend the next 3 months getting back to basics so in April I can get down to hard work instead of needing time to "get into the groove". Determination is an amazing friend.

So what's that all mean? I'm gonna work on 4 days no sugary treats, no candy, nothing. Thank god there are no baked treats in the house. That's my TRUE weakness. I was smart and threw them all away Dec 27th! Wait! There is corn bread. But I omitted the sugar out of the home made recipe.... so... yeah, ok they count still cause baked goods are my weakness. NO SNACKING ON THEM JULES!!!

Anyhow, the other thing that makes me feel like a rock star is today is my 2nd day waking up and exercising. No turning on the computer, no making coffee, no nothing before exercising. YEAH!! I feel good, albeit tired. I feel good.

Make it YOUR greatest day today!
If I can do this!!
(Heather, are you reading this!! Stay strong!! YOU CAN DO THIS TOO!!!)

Monday, January 4, 2010

just keep swimming...

Let me just say that for the last 3 hours all I can think about is chocolate. Just 1 litttle peice, i know if I went in there, all i'd eat is 1 little peice (gotta love bite size). That's what i have been eating after lunch and dinner for WEEKS!!

BUT I'm working VERY hard to stay away!!

Just keep swimming.

Lord please help me stay strong today! I think I can stretch this to no candy AT ALL TODAY!!

Wouldn't I be so proud of myself. I'm gonna try. :)

In the mean time, I keep telling myself...

Just keep swimming! I hope it keeps working.


So how do you handle dinner when....

So how do you handle dinner when.... You just are too tired and out to cook.

Yesterday my calories landed me at 2420. I'm starting to see a trend. UGH!

I spent most of the weekend (yeah, not exercising) taking down all my Christmas stuff. i'm all done except for the outside stuff, but that'll have to wait until next weekend. So I didn't exactly just sit around doing nothing.

But last night by the time I got done I realized I had not even thought of dinner and although I could have made a non heated dinner. I was just too tired and hubby, lets face it. he does not cook... he'd rather starve or eat candy, popcorn and chips... junk to give himself substance. So, as usual, when i'm just too damn tired and can't bring myself to even deal with what to eat (cause I'm the opposite, I'd rather starve than deal with cooking when i feel like i did last night) we ordered take out. Pizza to be exact. We don't exactly have the money, used gas money to buy it even. We'll deal with that issue when it arises later this week or the weekend.

Anyhow, I am proud to say I only ate 2 slices, tried the wings hubby wanted though... Why did I eat 4 when i didn't like them (too fatty tasting)? I don't know. When I entered in my calories on FB mydiet today I did however enter in 3 slices instead of 2 because they didn't list the exact wings we bought and I can't remember if I had an after dinner treat. I know, I probably did... but i wasn't sure, so I decided to pad the pizza calories to be safe. So maybe I'm over reality... but it really doesn't matter. I still need to face the issue of how can I pre-empt myself on those tired nights... and lets face it... I'm coming up on having A LOT of tired nights that i don't want to cook.

Today I officially started my 3rd trimester and I'm already noticing i'm more tired. Add that in 3 months little man will be arriving and I doubt he'll sleep 5-6 hours straight like my daughter did. Who gets that lucky 2 kids in a row. I don't know anyone. Anyhow... So my dilemma I'm posing as a question to you all

What do you do about dinner when you're just too exhausted to even consider eating let alone cooking, but know you HAVE to eat. How do you keep it healthy? Sandwiches just really aren't as healthy as they sound... and usually leave me more hungry, probably the bread. :)

On a different note, I did wake up and workout this morning. :) YEAH ME!!

I'm also going to work on being strong today and stay away from crappy foods. I doubts it's going to be good to detox from Sugar while I'm pregnant, but I will certainly do everything I can to keep my "treat" for today ONLY after dinner, not after lunch and dinner like I have been since Christmas. :) I can do it! I know I can!! Okay, I'm lying to myself... i'll probably be fine detoxing from Sugar... but I'm being real here, until Hubby gets rid of his candy... I know I'll be a weakling and steal his and that'll cause him to be mad and me to be stupidly spineless to steal it from his stash. I've got to come to terms with this issue and detox from sugary foods... Ok, I'll think on this one. think think think jules, you CAN DO IT!! I'll have to talk to him tonight about this. I really need to get on track as much as possible these next few months and candy & money are not gonna help. I can't do much about money... but i can do EVERY THING about candy. But I admit... I'm not ready for cold turkey.

I also got good news this morning. I have been worried the last 4 days about a message my Dr left me Thurs morning before his office closed for the 4 day weekend. I had my glucose test last week and they never call unless there's a problem. I have been scared and worried that I'm going to have to deal with gestational diabetes. NOT what i want to hear or deal with. Turns out, I'm all good. :) They called to tell me I'm anemic.... Could they have at least waited until today then instead of making me worry, of course not. Anyhow...

happy monday!


Sunday, January 3, 2010


I gave in last night. I wasn't strong. I could blame hubby because I wasn't craving nothing until he had ice cream, but that's even more spineless isn't it.

I did so well yesterday. I was snacky, but I was also having trouble with some nauseousness... and for whatever reason, toast is what i go for and often until it goes away. I swear it helps me to not throw up. What do you do right?

But last night after dinner, i had my after dinner treat/dessert. 2 miniature baby ruths (or some other 2 miniatures is what i do for a treat) and I was good. nice and toasty full. Very happy. Sad how full I get on so little. hahahaha!! Anyhow, My husband decided to break out the ice cream we have in the freezer that is for the apple pie in the freezer and OMG!! I felt like I was starving, I drank a bottle of water and STILL couldn't get warm apple pie and ice cream outa my brain. I was trying to be strong. Even put the pie back in the freezer when i told myself, HEY! You have to let it defrost first, isn't this stupid!! But I let the craving get the best of me... I had 8 red vines instead. I felt so sick after!! WHY!! Cause I was spineless!! Because of those damn red vines I ended my day at 2401 calories. I'm trying for 2000 a day. Mind you, I'm not exactly keeping track WHILE I eat it, but I know how to ball park it when i'm making food choices..... and Did good the last 2 days doing that. But I caved and didn't make a good choice. I am wondering today, how will I ever go back to eating and counting again... But i know i can do it. I just have to. I'm trying to figure out what to do about money, food, etc... But I guess having 3 more months to figure that out is a good thing. I just need to start counting BEFORE I eat and start tracking those choices for then. I almost wonder how I'll ever go back to eating 12-15oo calories a day, but I won't be preggers and unless I breast feed, I have NO excuses. :) But... I'm still a ways away. so why am i worried?

Still... no exercise yet today. I am however TOTALLY caught up on my blogs. Although for some reason, some of them i can't view. hhhhmmmm... No comments today. just reading. Tomorrow, i'll get on the support train again. :)

I'll let you all go and go do some Wii Pilate's with my new daisy fuentas game. :) Can't wait for this kiddo to be born to check out the Jillian Michael's game I got. :) I just have this feeling it's gonna be intense for me while I'm preggers. But the Pilate's is fun and like 20 minutes tops! Perfect for my lazy butt!!!

Have a great sunday every one. hope your weekend ends on a wonderful note! :)


Saturday, January 2, 2010

Back on the wagon again

Ok, so this last couple of weeks I've been doing a lot of soul searching.

I've come to realize:
(not like i didn't already know, I just faced the music)

I'm using my pregnancy as an excuse to revert back to the old me ways. The old me who was just perfectly happy to hide behind my fatness and be lazy. The old me who was willing to lie to herself. The old me who just didn't want to get up and do the work. And this just CAN NOT be ok!! Why am I doing this to myself? Because it's easier than all the hard work. it's easier than trying to figure out how to deal with money and buying healthy food. It's just easier to hide.

To be honest, last week I had an internal meltdown of catastrophic personal proportions. i ate and ate and ate my way through my feelings. I didn't say no and I didn't care... I just wanted to not feel so helpless, really to feel in control since I wasn't in control of how I was feeling.

So what happened?
A few things.
1. It was time to buy some new things due to my ever increasing body size (yes I know it's common in pregnancy).
2. Shopping for a bridesmaid dress for my brothers wedding.
Pass this part over if you don't want to read about personal girly issues:)
Let me just say that instance #1 really was a freak out for me. NEVER in my life have I been a DD girl and guess what.... Holy crap! I am now!! That was very depressing for me... D was already too big and already really difficult for me to handle, not too mention that before getting pregnant (even my last pregnancy) I've always had a lopsided boob issue to deal with that made buying bras REALLY difficult and all of a sudden, I don't have that issue either, they are BOTH DD. I wanted to curl up and die. I felt even bigger and fatter than I already feel. And let me just say that being Bigger to begin with AND having to buy new clothes in an even bigger size REALLY sucks even more. It's not easy to buy things and go oh it's ok, you're just pregnant. It sucks. I hate my view in pics even more than I did before. I don't see the pregnant girl when i look at pics, I see a HUGE elephant. I know the reality, but it's not what i see. I'd have to say the ONLY nice part about being preggers is not being as worried as I used to be about how tight something fits across my belly. Cause, well, it's the 1 time in my life I can flaunt it. Does that sound as gross to you as it does to me?

Now, some flip sides to #1 (cause I'm in a better mood to see the brighter side). I haven't had to buy many newer clothes. Although I'd been getting rid of things as they got too big the beginning of last year... i also haven't really "grown" out of much of anything in my closet... that can be a double edged sword, but for today... it's a bright side. I'm not wearing bigger clothes than I ever have in my life. AND my pregger clothes from my last pregnancy are TOO BIG!! I have acquired a few new pieces for special occasions like Christmas, clothes that would not be baggy and would show my preggers belly off. So... despite the DD's entering my life, I must be doing something right? right?

This parts not so girly... you can read. hehehe!!
Issue #2. Money is, as always, tight. Revelations over a month ago while searching for a bridesmaid dress revealed that being pregnant and bigger to begin with was going to equal a dress that would far exceed what I can afford and really, in tailoring a whole new dress. So, my soon to be sis in law agreed that if we can make a dress from scratch, she is perfectly ok with that. :) YEAH!! And then we went dress pattern shopping. With my current measurements, I'm too big for pregnancy patterns, Plus size patterns are WAY ugly and NOT appropriate for being a bridesmaid dress, and basically, nothing we can buy in the store will work. I became defeated that day and even that evening when i shopped on-line for patterns. I don't want to look like I'm wearing a Moo-Moo at the wedding, but i don't want to all my cottage cheese showing either. It was ugly. Did I mention both instances, 1 & 2 were pretty much the same day? Needless to say, it took me DAYS to get my arse out of depression mode. My mom and I did find a pattern that will "work" i'm still not totally thrilled though. I'm having a hard time seeing that I will in fact not look like the blueberry girl after she's become a blueberry (although the dress will be black) in the movie Willy wonka for my brothers wedding. I'm still having a hard time seeing myself as anything other than WAY TOO LARGE!! And I don't feel like it's "just pregnancy" because lets face it, today... Jan 2, 2010, I weigh exactly what i weighed Jan 1st 2009. The difference is my boobs and the direction my belly sticks out. I know, I know, don't be hard on myself. Anyhow, the dress issue... We're going to make the dress, no matter what happens, I'm going to need SOMETHING to wear to the wedding. My mom has agreed if it comes right down to it and I just can't bring myself to be in the wedding, she won't be mad at me for having made the dress... I still have to wear the dress though. hahahahaa!! (she didn't really say that, I did) And that i'm ok with. It's different wearing it and feeling that way while attending and wearing it, feeling that way AND being in the wedding.

Anyhow...The point is. I'm working on getting BACK on the wagon.
I'm working on taking 1 day at a time again. 1 impulse eating at a time... 1 snack attack needless eating at a time, 1 minute at a time. This is what got me through in the first place.

My first step I'm taking is journaling
Since, 12/29/09 i have kept a written journal of just what i put in my mouth and how much. Talk about CARB LOADED!! I'm also using MyDiet on facebook again. Since I'm on there so often anyways... It's worth using it to track my calories, even if I'm not focusing on WHAT the # should or shouldn't be. I track the day after I eat it so that I don't freak and take a chance on hurting my growing little man with my own ideas of "OMG!! Too much, OMG!! Too little!!" But over the next 3 months it'll help me get back in the game. That's what I need to do. Get back in the game!! It's helping me "see" just how much of what I'm eating. And THAT i do need.
So far my calories have stacked up as such:
12/29- 3714 (had WAY too many "treats")
12/30- 2269
12/31- 2032 (I beat my before bed snack attack of I WANT MORE of everything and anything!!)
1/1- 2038

I'm not hungry and I haven't been depriving myself. BELIEVE ME, I have not been. Hence the too many carbs. :) LOL

The other thing I'm working on doing is working out every day for at least 10 minutes. I've realized the last 2 days that if I don't do it as soon as I get up and outa the bedroom... I won't find the motivation to do it. So I MUST get up and get right too it. Doesn't matter, just have to. I admit... haven't started on this yet as of today. :( Today is when i realized that i must do it immediately or I won't do it. So tomorrow... day 1 on that regime. I don't plan on pushing myself... just moving and just trying to get back into routine. if I can get back into a routine before this kiddo is born and stay on a light Dr approved routine those first few weeks when I'll be restricted after he's born... I'll be ready to shine and get back to the harder work.

I just have to... i don't like the way I've been feeling and resorting back to fat girl me ways. IT'S unacceptable!!

So... Happy new year! I vow to do whatever it takes to keep you all updated daily (or at least every other day :) and to keep myself accountable. but i admit... i'm gonna need the support and kick in the arse along the way. I'm hoping to again catch up on blogs here in the next few days and get back to supporting you all too.


PS!! As usual, thank you for listening. :)