Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Day 2... On track with a little beat down on the side

I'm so proud of myself.

After 3 weeks of sloth and exhaustion I can feel the precipice of the first trimester woes ending and being behind me.

My skin is finally clearing up, I'm not AS exhausted as usual... But still tired. I'm being more conscience of my eating and my hunger and... tada.... I'm exercising DESPITE not wanting to. :)

Yesterday i again journaled everything I put in my mouth... I find it pretty easy to curb the snacking when there really isn't anything to eat in the house. LOL. I did finally go grocery shopping last night. I found it really hard to make some hard choices that are less healthy. For instance, we always buy hebrew national hotdogs, 97% fat free. Hubby and kiddo love hot dogs. And since I'm trying to keep them healthier, I opt for those. Today i'm making a big pot of Chili (as we have WAY too many beans in this house) that will be for 3 meals, chili, chili dogs and chili potato's. But we just can't afford the healthier hotdogs. I just couldn't do it. I also struggled with turkey over beef for the chili. Turkey won out, I can avoid eating the hotdogs, can't avoid the chili. Instead of the 93/7 that i prefer though I did buy the 85/15. I HATE making choices I feel are unhealthier. Like deciding NOT to buy any fruit and vegi's other than apples, potatos & carrots. I only had $30 for food (and the desperately needed cat litter). It's hard. I am going to look for ideas this week that I can cheapify. I probably could have gotten frozen vegi's, but I admit... i opted for the tomato soup I have been CRAVING like a mad woman. I know... BAD!! Anyhow....

I did not go walking, but that excuse is because of my daughter. She didn't want to go... and really, it's not worth the fight to force her to go. I did however do 30 min of Yoga. Although i love my Prego yoga video, I opted for Ondemand's exercise TV and did a relaxation Yoga segment. I've just been full of tension and it sounded perfect. I'll tell you what. WOW! There was only some of it I couldn't do due to not being able to lie flat on my back... But when i got done, my muscles felt weak. I was shocked! Before I went to bed I did my Ab routine and passed out after. :) After my Yoga I dragged out all of my belongings (minus the workout stuff and breakables I took down for the holiday's) from our spare room and went through it all made trash piles, giveaway piles and keep piles. I gave new storage homes to everything and also made a space for my craft stuff next to my desk here in my front room. Except for the few things I left in there, I did my part to make room for baby #2. Now to get Hubby to tackle his belongings. :) LOL

All in all it was a good day, until we checked the mail that is. When will the bad news finally stop coming. I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel yet, but i know it's there. I know it's there, I'm just waiting to see it.

In the meantime I will wake up every day and do what i can, handle what i can and enjoy what I can. It's the only thing I can do without falling into despair.


Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Day 1... back on track.

Yesterday i journaled EVERYTHING i ate. :) YEAH ME!!

AND I exercised yesterday. I walked for 27minutes (It was flippin' hot out too) and I did my old Ab workout routine with some modifications due to the pregnancy. I didn't do the Yoga, instead I opted to decorate the house for Halloween. :) hehehee!! So instead I did my shorter Ab routine. :)

Today i plan to again journal everything AND go for my walk, do the Ab routine and do some prego Yoga. I'm also going to set up some new Wii Fit and EA active routines for other days.

I plan on rotating, Yoga, strength training, and the Wii. So I'll do them every third day. I'm going to try to do the Ab routine every day since it's the 1 muscle you can workout daily and not have a problem. And hopefully if I can keep this up... by the time I have this baby I'll be in better shape.

Now the only issue is keeping the energy to do all of this. We'll see. All i can do is my best.

Bring it on day 2!!! I have a lot to get done today, so it's going to be a busy day.


Monday, September 28, 2009

It's been WAY too long... so much to tell you.

It's been way to long. So much has been going on in my life and it all amounts to STRESS.

Lets see if I can break this down the best and fastest way possible.

1. Haven't worked out since the 5th.
2. Haven't kept a food journal, counted calories or WW points since the 5th
3. Spent Aug making a budget for my family to live on and also to phase out my husband's 2nd job income from our resources, mainly so that he could either a) quit or b) have it become savings.
4. Right before we left for vacation got the estimated bill from my Dr for the pregnancy (just his portion) that's $600 we have to pay by Dec. And so there goes the 2nd job being a quitting possibility.
5. Right before we left for vacation my husband's position took a HUGE hit. He has been short hours and therefore $100 each week for the last 3 weeks. Which in our lives, is HUGE!!
6. Had a great vacation and left our worries at home. Thankfully Aug wasn't a bad financial month for us, since we used that phased out 2nd job income to save for the trip.
7. Got back from vacation and things went to pits.

The hardest Hit:

8. Immediately found out that my job is now on Hiatus. Due to lack of work for my area... I'm out of work until November.
9. Hubby's 2nd job is down to 1 day a week

So, despite our vacation, this month has been hell month. It didn't start that way though. While on vacation my hubby and I had decided that ok... his 3 weeks of crappy pay will be ok. We'll be short on rent but the 2nd job will help us recover and then we'll be back on track in a few weeks. We also realized Oct would be a great month for us since there are 5 pay periods for us... which since we both get paid weekly, will mean 2 extra paychecks... Kiddo's 3rd Bd is in Oct AND car tags are due in Oct. AWESOME!! YEAH, 2 extra paychecks!!! No credit card needed. WHOHOOO!! And then we get home from vacation. And it feels like we're still at the beach, but instead of sun and sand... we're caught under a wave scrambling for air to breathe. It sucks.

Without the income I bring home we can not pay the smaller bills (like credit cards, student loans, etc... of course these are all the ones with late fees associated with them), gas, and food. I've not been fired or laid off so i can't even get unemployment. Hubby's 1st job is messing around with his days off so the 2nd job we now need to rely on.... is currently down to only 1 day a week, Which hurts us even more. So car tags, will be on the credit card (which is the one thing we've been avoiding that is our ONLY emergency money) and kiddo will have a very quiet, try to make her feel good 3rd BD... But it certainly will be less then I would ever want for her. And I know she'll be ok, love is more important. But as every parent wants... you just want them happy and at 3... to see them smile and light up on their BD. It's hard to see how to do that with no money to even buy a box of cake mix. Sadly, that's where we are. Presents I know she can live without... But still not how a parent wants things to be. Anyhow... in reality, we have a few weeks to figure out her BD. But this is my frame of mind these days... pretty self pity party. Or at least trying to keep the self pity at bay.

Pregnancy... our insurance SUCKS!! They pay very little. So we're already getting bills in from just the 1st round of lab tests and with the $600 we have to come up with by Dec... we're feeling screwed and a little stressed at how to make this work. We can't call my Dr's office yet and ask for a different payment plan, because well, there is just no money to pay him. And of course come Nov-Dec we'll have even more lab tests, ultrasounds, etc... to come up with money for. How to be pregnant and pay for the pregnancy? It seems impossible. Paying for this kid once it's here seems more possible (because well, that's another blog all together). I now have a little more understanding of how people who are down right broke and poor, go without healthcare while they are pregnant. I almost feel like the stress is worse than waiting until I go into labor to deal with this. BUT no worries, I won't go that far. My previous health and pregnancy scare me into that IS NOT AN OPTION!! I am forming a plan, but it still equals no money. :) LOL
My daughter is due for her 3rd well check visit... and we owe her Dr money, we can't take her in until we can pay it. Thankfully it's just a well check up. But I hate feeling like I'm letting her health down by not getting her in for her shots, and check up. How to get them paid... I currently can't see.

Food: is another issue.
We came home from vacation to no food and still have no food. I don't think our cupboards have been this bare in over a year. We resorted to the food bank which sadly, only helped in supplying bread. I've made my meal lists based off of what we have and are given. We are on WIC. So eggs cheese, cereal and bread it is. :) LOL But this also means I've had to come to a decision about things like counting calories, food, etc...

I'm not going to count. I've got enough stress in my life right now that to add something like how many calories I'm eating or more like not eating to add to it. BUT that being said, as of today, I have gone back to keeping my food journal because I know I need to be accountable and keep track. But the quality of food I eat will greatly differ. I refuse to go back to red meat. So this limits our options for cheap meat to next to nothing. How this will all play out and STILL keep me being healthy is still baffling me. I have so many things to be healthy for and I WILL!! I am determined in that. Will it be as balanced, fresh and clean as I like it. Nope. But I'm determined to make it work. Now, I admit... this week, and last week, the menu has been VERY carb related. I'm out of ideas for meals to make. But I'll get there. I'll find a way... i know i will.
Another thing I'm determined to do this week is getting back to exercising. Today I went for a 27min walk in the heat. I HAVE to get back to basics. And that's a good thing. I still plan on doing some Yoga today in hopes it'll help release some of this tension that has been building for DAYS! And I'll be working on starting up my Wii Fit and EA active again later tonight, at a light level of course :) I need to get an workout schedule made, but It'll be hard to keep up with it. I'm exhasuted from the time i get up to the time I go to bed. But soon... I'll be past that hump of the pregnancy... so they say.

Right now I have little or no control over my finances, so i'll take control of the things I can control... my eating and my exercise. I'm looking for ways to help our financial situation but I've yet to see the light.

My life feels like it's a sinking ship. But I'm a fighter and DAMNIT!! I will fight!


Edited to add:
I know letting this all out is SUCH a downer. But after having gotten that all off my chest... I admittedly, can feel the sadness of what we're going through even more, but amazingly, I actually feel LESS tension in my shoulders and neck. It's certainly cathartic complaining sometimes :) Especially when if I talk to hubby about how I'm feeling about our finances it makes things REALLY hard between us. Anyhow... THANKS for reading!! I certainly am feeling better. :) how about you? hahahaha!!

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Yeah me

I'm working hard to get caught up on all the blogs I follow :) I've missed you guys :) LOL

As soon as I'm caught up with you all... I'll catch you all up on my own life. And it's a doozey.


Tuesday, September 22, 2009


So, I'm home... Alive, tired and had a WONDERFUL time.

3lbs worth of wonderful! hahahaha!!

I even got to spend time with an old friend from grade/high school. You never truly realize how much you miss someone until you spend time with them... her I've missed having in my life. Even my husband has agreed that after this kiddo is born we'll have to go back out to Cali and see her and her family again. YEAH!! :) But that takes money so we'll see. :)

We had a great time at Sea world and my daughter has been cracking us up since we got back with her imitation of a dolphin, Shamu splash, etc... Makes me laugh. She got this little shamu purse (has shamu in it) and she adores it. Takes it every where. :) I LOVED our time on the beach and wish we had a day just for the beach, but we'll have to make a point to go just for that some day. :) I'll post pics when i get the time to finally finish downloading them. :)

However since getting home I've been SUPER swamped with issues that have come up, things I didn't take care of before vacation, etc... Add on that I've been exhausted and it's trouble. I haven't even been spending as much time on my obsession... facebook. :) LOL

It kinda boils down to this; 1st trimester exhaustion is kicking my arse.

I'm SO far behind on reading and catching up on my favorite blogs... I've not even tried to catch up yet. 1st I have a plethora of things at home to finish taking care of first. So... I'm here, i still adore you all and can't wait to catch up, think of you often... But time is an issue. HECK, having the energy to sit here is an issue. I just really have to catch up with my world at home and the problems that have arisen in it before I can devote the time it'll take to see what you all have been up to since I left on the 13th.

In the next few days I'll tell ya what's been going on around here that has me a little upside down. :) In the meantime... I thought I'd ask you:

What has been up in your life over the last week and a half?
I'm dying to hear :)

Friday, September 11, 2009

Whirl wind

It's been a crazy few days. I've been a busy bee trying to stay on top of work... for this week and next week. Trying to get on top of housework, so we come home to a semi clean house when we get home. At the same time trying to get things ready to go on Sunday so that Saturday all I have to do is pack our bags and load the car.

Eating wise, i admit... I haven't been tracking my food. But I do feel I've done a good job at portion sizes, amounts and limiting my snacks to only when I'm actually hungry and limiting them to snacks... not BIG meals :) LOL. I've definitely had a lot of restraint this week and not being hungry, but not pigging out. I even made these wonderfully chewy, delightfully tasting chocolate chip cookies I made last Xmas to take on our road trip to Cali. Let me say... I've only had 4 since baking them 2 days ago. That is major for me. :) I'm a baked goods fiend. :) YEAH!!! Exercise has been out the window. But I'll make up for it when we are in Cali (lots of walking to get done) and I'll get back on track when we get home next week.

How are you doing on your journey or in your life in general?

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

I love it when...

You find out money you thought was "taken/stolen" falls back into your lap. YEAH!! We have an extra $60 to go towards groceries & things we need to buy for our San Diego trip. That means that I don't have to spend any of the money we've been saving for the trip. YEAH!! Extra spending money!!! YEAH!!!

Sorry... I am too excited it's taken over 50 days for the bank to resolve this issue for me. YEAH!!!


Some times...

Some times... i just have to remind myself to lighten up.

But can you guess what happens when I do?

I become lazy.

These last few days have been great... Saturday's rain and weather really changed my mood and how I have been feeling. The weekend went well. Saturday I spent the evening with some old friends. It was very nice, but a late night. Which means Sunday... I was extra tired. Monday was my moms BD and my daughter, with my help- a lot of help, made my mom a cake. It was nice just sitting around visiting with her. Watching my daughter play with Charlie, moms great dane. They are too cute together. I'm glad I was right about his attitude toward her when she was just a baby. He's so good with her now, even if he was a worry back then. :)

Since deciding on what to do about calorie counting, etc... I've felt much more at ease. I'm trying very hard to lighten up and realize... if I can't count (like Saturday night and the last 2 days) due to schedule conflicts or the food involved.... It's not the end of the world. To eat in moderation and be thoughtful about what I'm eating is more important than the # on those days. It's working.

BUT I have not worked out since Saturday. So lightening up... yeah, maybe I'm taking it a little too far. Part of the problem is I'm exhausted by 5. So exhausted that it's just not in my will power to get out there and exercise. Count that while sleeping at night I'm so damn hot that I'm not sleeping well.... Which I know I won't be sleeping well any more until after this kid sleeps through the night... so we're talking a LONG while. oh well. But I need to adjust. I just do. I need to work out at home when I've got the energy... just in case I just can't make my walks. I know as soon as it gets cooler... I'll go in the mornings... But we're still a month away before it'll get cool enough in the mornings to go when "we" get moving around. Anyhow... i need to get back on track exercise wise... it's imperative.

Why is it so hard to keep both food and exercise on track at the same time? Do you have problems with that too?

All in all... I feel good about where I am. I've got my portion distortion under control and I'm working hard this week to get things ready for our trip to San Diego this Sunday! I can't wait!! I need a vacation!!!


Saturday, September 5, 2009

On the bright side

Yesterday turned out to be a horrible day for me. As the morning and day progressed... I acquired myself a nice HUMONGOUS migraine. I was nauseous and miserable most of the day. I ended up making poor choices for lunch out of the need for convenience. I felt so miserable that my poor daughter got the brunt of it by the end of the day. I tried to hang on to my patience, but I just lost it and dear ol' hubby was no where for relief. As he won't be again today. I quit getting migraines my last pregnancy (only while i was pregnant) which was a GODSEND!! This time around: They have not stopped and Tylenol is like eating candy... N.o. H.e.l.p.

BUT I did manage to make a wonderfully comforting and yummy dinner. OG Style Zuppa Toscano soup. OMG!! It brightened my mood. I didn't go for my walk because I felt like throwing up every time i moved and my head felt like it was in an ever tightening vice grip... But when the headache FINALLY subsided (right before I was ready to go bed), I decided to do some Yoga in hopes of loosening up my muscles that tightened up during the day.

And then this morning (as usually i wake up feeling sick from the after math of my migraines) I woke up feeling tired, but good. I heard rain on my bathroom window and instantly felt my mood lifting. And realized... You know it's going to be a good day when before breakfast you go outside and do some puddle jumping with your 2yr old. :)

Why is it that rain ALWAYS makes me feel happy? Even when i lived in Washington state and it rained all the time... i never got sad because of it. Home sick... but never sad. i always have loved it... I'd rather walk it in and get wet than be under an umbrella. Anyhow... Have a wonderful Saturday. I know I will. I have a party to go to later. :)

What are your weekend plans?


Friday, September 4, 2009

Yesterday I did a ton of research, weeded through a ton of crapola on the Internet and this is what I've come up with for an action plan. It's at least a start and I'll see how it goes over a 2 week period and readjust where need be.

I found a website that went into the whole calories in/out subject AND had a calculator to help estimate what you burn just to live. With that info I went to a few other sites I use for tracking and info... here's how it stacked up:

Estimated calories I burn just to live with light activity: 2137
Mydiets estimate of what i burn sleeping 8 hours and being a couch potato for 16 hours: 2020
BabyFit wants me to eat 2160-2460 calories a day while I'm pregnant.

Obviously everything is estimated because I know without a professional and #'s based on my OWN body... I can't get anything other than estimates. I don't know how BabyFit decides how many calories you should eat. I changed my weight multiple times, being severely obese AND severely skinny... it stayed the same as with my actual weight. So... Here's what i decided on doing for the next 2 weeks and then I'll re-evaluate & change where needed.

1. I changed my calorie intake to 1800-2100 calories a day. Which I think is higher than I was orginally shooting for
2. I'll use BabyFits eating plan for 2 weeks (I did change my calorie range to the above on the site) with variations to meet my needs. ie... no beef and I'll change the meals where needed to be things I actually buy and use so that I have room to play and hubby and kiddo will still eat too. But it'll be a good base. After 2 weeks... I'll see how it goes.
3. I'll still do what i have been... walking 30 minutes a day-no matter the speed and I'm going to add my yoga Mama tape & I'll switch that with strength training every other day.

Hopefully sticking to this plan will do 3 things
1. Curb my all or nothing mentality I've acquired
2. Portion control- Which I've also LOST.
3. Give me some direction so i don't feel so lost.

So here's to direction and hope. :)

Have a beautiful weekend and be safe.


Thursday, September 3, 2009

Food, food, I'm plagued by food.

OK... so I meant to write this yesterday, but yesterday turned out to be a REALLY bad day. Doesn't help to have a good day when the hubby comes home from work and we fight... and then me... get all upset and crying all day. Yeah, I see today it's probably the hormones going full speed because... all i want to do is cry and it has NOTHING to do with yesterday. Go figure.

Anyhow, it's time for me to write this post. I just need to get all this off my chest. Where else better to do so than here. :)

First of all, disclaimer here: I'm not an idiot, I'm being healthy.... in no way am I endangering myself or my child I eat when I'm hungry plain and simple.

I'm struggling with food. BIG TIME!! I just don't know WHAT to do, where to go, how much to eat, what to eat. I'm struggling with changing my habits I gained over the last umpteen months in a healthy balancing way and still eating enough for the baby and myself. I'm just plain struggling with food.

1 minute I feel like I'm on a free for all. Like last week. I ate relatively well, outside of the 5 fast food meals I ate. This week, what got into me when i went grocery shopping? Cheese Nips, lays AND sour cream (a deadly combo for me as the 2 are just too good together to pass up). I baked cookies for the hubbies lunches instead of buying them because well, we have 3 jars of PB and have no other way to use it up... and what have I been doing. EATING them, but not portion controlling very well, Portion control is key... is that what I'm lacking? I don't know, it's probably part of it.

All in all. I wouldn't say I'm binging. I'm snacking. When i get snacky, I grab the cheese nips, eat more than my fair share (probably 3 servings) or I grab the lays (same thing probably 3 or 4 servings) AND the sour cream (Which was suppose to be used for a meal) and eat... I do think I go overboard, because anything OVER 1 servings of anything is sometimes going overboard. But I don't think I'm binging because I do stop and I don't go grab something else after, i just snack till I'm snacked out and then... by dinner... I'm still full from snacking... and don't want to eat, but have to. Or maybe I'm just lying to myself. After dinner or lunch is when i usually get snacky for sweets. Instead of my frozen dark kisses to lull this monster... I've been grabbing 3 or more cookies.

I feel lost at what to do. On one hand... My head is screaming YOU CAN'T EAT THAT!! What have you learned all these months!! If i listen. I eat like I was... I eat my points, ALL of them (plus 1 or 2 extra if I exercise and I try not to eat more then 5 flex points in a day)... but calorie wise, I end up on the really low end. I do eat when I'm hungry despite the points and calories, i just try to make smart choices on those day's I'm being "good". I'm talking 1100-1300 calories, tops on those days. HOW? Just eating the way I used to. Which scares me... that seems WAY too low for being pregnant. But for being an obese pregnant girl? is it? I just don't know. I had JUST started counting calories when i found out i was pregnant. So i don't know what i averaged before.
So then i freak out a little and listen to the part of me (maybe the devil side) and eat more... add more cheese, eat a full on sandwich as a snack... eat those cheese nips, etc... and then I'm up towards 2400-3000 calories a day. WTH!!

Where is my in between person? What is right. I know, talk to my Dr. I don't feel he was much help. He said that if I want to raise my calories don't go over 10% higher of what I was eating before my pregnancy and we can adjust if need be. But i don't know what I was at before since I was counting points, not calories. I don't know if 28 points +AP & FP points is too low. I looked in my prego book and it says 300 calories more a day... BASED ON WHAT!! On a dieters calories of 1200-1500 or normal maintaining calories which i don't even know WHAT those equal.

I'm lost and fumbling and confused. I don't really know where to go what to do. I admit this week I've felt like I've given up. And today... this is why I feel so upset and sad. I'm probably putting too much concern on all of it. But I'm afraid 8 months from now that I'll be back at square 1 and don't want to do that. But I HAVE to be at least as healthy as before I was pregnant when this child is born. I do, it's a fact. For me and for this baby to not be at risk like my first was.

I know i need to re-focus, re-evaluate and find my bearings. I need to do this FAST!! But I'm not sure where to start. Looking up calorie counting gives me so much to search through... I don't know where to go on the WWW. It's daunting.

I have been walking this week. I admit though, I had 2 days off in a row. I'm just so tired by the time 6 rolls around. It's hard to go walking. But I told myself I WOULD NOT miss more than 2 days this week. So I will get my 5 in. I FEEL that in my bones. That I will not falter on. That i vow. I do need to get in my strength training and be more consistent with that. I've been BAD since starting. Today I'm going to start using my Yoga Mama prego tape from my last pregnancy and hope it also helps soothe my mind and soul and give me the added benefit of just moving.

So there you have it. I'm a food mess. Food used to be on my mind 100% of the time... but these days, I just can't get it OFF my mind AT ALL. It's plaguing me.

What website do you use to give you knowledge when it comes to healthy living, Calorie counting, etc... I'm open to suggestions of where to go from here. :)

Thanks for listening or ummm... reading. I don't feel ready to cry any more. Now I just feel like I have a lot of work to do in research.


Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Do you ever

Do you ever sit there going... I have something to say... i have something I need to get off my chest. Thoughts flowing through your head, you just need to sit down and get them out... and you just can't get yourself to type them?

Yeah, that's me right now.

Although I'm realzing the time and instead of getting it all out... i need to deal with the dinner I've done nothing about (forgot to defrost anything) and I refuse to get fast food this week.

So hopefully tomorrow.