Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Quick update...

I haven't gone for my walk/run yet today. I realized my problem today has been my To-Do list. It's been building and building for 2 weeks now and not getting any where close to getting completed. I'm starting to feel anxious about it as I don't usually go this long with so many things on it. It's that whole "I have things to do, can't take time for me" syndrome. So, In between getting things done on my To-Do list I've stayed within points and NOT munched to soothe the anxiety i am feeling.

I also did 12 minutes of combined exercises on my side stepper & arm toning exercises. This consisted of 2 minutes on the stepper and 2 minutes of arm exercises. After that 12 minutes I've completed 3- 2 minute sessions on the side stepper (that's all i can manage before my legs get jelly) and I'm shooting for going for my walk when i get home from work this evening & completing my crunches for today.

I'm worried about time this evening so i spent this late afternoon getting Dinner 1/2 way ready so that while it actually cooks I can go for my walk and hubby can do the taking it out of the oven part. So I better go for my shift so i can get home sooner.


I'm just not feeling it today

I'm sitting here, I know I need to go do my warm up and go for my walk/run. But I'm just not feeling it today. I feel good, I feel great. Just not feeling it. I'm letting the "paperwork" i needed to send into work today rule my morning and now that it's done... I'm just still sitting here. I can't even bring myself to say Come on Jules. AARRRGGHHH!!! I hate feeling like this. So... Here I go. I'm getting up.


Monday, March 30, 2009

High notes of my sunday

Although I didn't get as much done as I wanted to yesterday; I got 1/4 of it done. I ended the day on a high note. This is the first of my highs. My daughter (I believe daddy helped but he says he didn't) dressed up like her version of a fairy :)

In the evening, I took missy out for a walk and kept the pace up so that my heart rate was in my target zone; yeah that handy dandy piece of equipment my mom gave me over a year ago really is good to have. :) I used the stop watch to time myself and I kept an eye on my heart rate to be sure my pace was going to be effective in burning calories. We did 1.45mi total and although I could have done more it was getting dark. I looked at my past times for a 1.45mi walk and it was right in line for similar walks with her. :) Yeah me, because I felt like just strolling, not exercising. :)

I had a good healthy dinner that ended up NOT hitting the spot so instead of finishing it... I tossed it and had some oatmeal that DID hit the spot. No more eating just because I can't afford to throw something away. I can't afford to eat just to eat either. I do want to enjoy my meals so i don't eat just to eat. So it goes hand in hand. I know, complicated...
The only non- high note that happened last night was I stayed up WAY too late reading. Every night before I turn out the light I read, it helps me to turn my brain off and fall asleep without thinking of all the things I didn't do or all the things I will have to do when i wake up. besides it's my favorite thing to do in the whole world and it's me time. :) I digress, I'm reading Dean Koontz's The Taking and OMG! I just want to find out what is going to happen. Will they win, will the human race survive? The whole gamit. By 1:30 I finally had to tell myself ENOUGH and go to sleep. Needless to say... I kept thinking of what is to come and what will happen... I didn't fall asleep easily. :) But hey, what better reason to stay awake. :)

This morning I got up, went for my walk/run, got in touch with someone I used to dog sit for and I feel just plain fantastic. Today is a bright new day full of business that I MUST get to or the day could turn sour. But... it won't so i better run.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Just had to share!

When I got dressed to leave for some shopping... I put on my only pair of jean capri's I own and they always fit tight around the waist... today... i actually had to belt them or be showing some crack and forever hiking them back up! :-) Feels good to know that this time... they won't ever get snug again :)

Is it time for bed yet?

OM goodness. I can't believe I haven't been on here since Friday morning and it's already Sunday. I'm wishing it was Saturday still as I'm sad to report I won't be doing my walk/run today. I'll get to that in a minute. Here's the run down of this weekend.

Friday- great day! Took it off but spent most of it cleaning my kitchen, including my horribly ugly spice cabinet & rearranging my counters to better accommodate me while cooking. Ok wait, the truth is I'm a member of the "Hi my name is Juliana and I have an addiction to rearranging everything in my house every few months"club. I just am not capable of keeping anything in 1 place for longer than a few months. Especially when i get into that I'm gonna clean like it's spring mode, while cleaning (without my conscious knowledge) slowly the furniture moves into new spots. Needless to say My husband HATES it. Begs me not to do it. I try, but usually give in and he just leaves the room until I'm done. hahahahaha! I love it though. Just goes to show I can handle change in ways I'm comfortable with :) Anyhow... I didn't exercise, but I kept super busy! It wasn't until missy went down for her nap that i realized I hadn't really sat down all morning.
I stayed on my points and even ended up having some of the crumb cake my hubby brought home (which I was secretly cursing him for all day) and made sure I used my Ap points for it and my left over points from the day. Felt good! Until Hubby and I fought and I wanted to turn around and gorge. I didn't... I got up and started working on other things that needed to be done before I went to bed. YEAH ME!!

Sat- went on a hike with my mom & aunt. I didn't have to take missy because hubby stayed up and kept her for me. After an estimated 2.5mi I came home and found hubby threw out the crumb cake because he didn't want me to be tempted again. Yeah hubby! I then convinced hubby to go with me to find running shoes. He did although he was ready to pass out from exhaustion from being up all night. I got a set of brooks shoes on sale almost 50% off. I was so excited to use them for Sunday. The rest of the day consisted of me wanting to take a nap and couldn't sleep So I lazed around. We went to Taco bell and I used just about ALL my points for the day, felt shippy for it, but figured I deserved some yummy food for all my hard work. Will need to work better on WHAT I choose next time and how much I order. But it's a lesson for next time and proves I'm not ready to handle it as I haven't worked on changing my eating out skills. Had a good healthy wrap for Dinner and splurged on some choco chips I found hiding in my spice cabinet. All in all i only went 5 points over for the day and had AP & FP points so it was no biggie.

Sun- I feel like crud. I feel dragged out body fatigue. I can feel I did too much yesterday and I had a migraine all night that my miracle pills took 2 to cure. So as excited I was to go try out my new shoes this AM... hubby told me before he left for work last night that he had to pull a double today and wouldn't be home til late, and since it's a double he'll be coming home and going straight to bed. So I can't leave missy home alone this morning and I'm just not up for trying to run with the stroller (these were my thoughts last night) as it turns out, with the migraine that hit me... I'm not up for it anyways. I'm disappointed and if he was home would have probably gone. Today is a nice day with clouds out there, so it looks like it won't be too warm. here's my plan for today.

1. go see if the farmers market is open. If not, I'll go to sprouts.
2. Get some coffee :)
3. Go for a walk today with missy. I think we'll go for a long slow walk instead of a fast mile.
4. I have a WHOLE slew of house cleaning to do and other odds and ends on my ToDo list that really must be done before tomorrow as I have a busy week a head of me for work and If I don't get them done, i have no idea how I'll do it all next week. So, I need to set myself up for a successful week. Which means a busy Sunday. :)

On a happy note, my new scale which only had a difference of 1lb in my favor from my old scale says I lost 3.5lbs this week. WHOHOO!!!


Friday, March 27, 2009

1 more thought

Are any of you interested in seeing some of the recipes I've been cooking up? Hubby's not too thrilled to be trying so many new lower fat recipes, but so far with my new mind set... I've been loving them. I've even been able to get some already fantastic low WWP recipes even lower so I can enjoy things like chz and pasta. If only I could get his mind on board he'd enjoy them more.


Today is FRIDAY!!! WHOHOOO!!!

So... I've worked hard all week to combat the lazy syndrome my fatigue has dropped onto my body and I'm proud to say I feel better today.

Although I woke up with a major headache & I didn't sleep well. BUT when I looked at my 'can't quit' calendar I saw that I've worked out 4 days this week already and I've already got plans tomorrow for a Hike with my mom & Aunt. So I can take today off! WHOHOO!! Although when i feel better I think I will do the side/stair stepper, bands & crunches today that I've not had it in me to do all week. But even if I don't do them today is the day to not. I'm actually excited for this headache to leave so I can convince missy to go play outside, turn on the DVR and catch up on my shows that I've missed ALL week. YUP! No tv this week but 2 shows that were season finales (so i HAD to watch them) and cartoons. So here's my plan for today.

1. While catching up on the DVR I'll do some scrap booking, other sit still tasks on my to do list & my exercises.

2. I'll go shopping today for sports bras and be happy about it, I will not tell myself I hate shopping for clothes (even though I do).
3. Today I will clean my house because this weeks blustery winds AND the wonderful dirty Az landscape has wrecked havoc on my house. I can see a pile of dirt on my key board from yesterday.

Why did I leave my windows open? Oh yeah right, it was too beautiful to not hear the wind blowing. :) OH well... Guess it's a good thing I'm looking forward to cleaning. Maybe I'll turn the radio on instead and clean. Decisions decisions. What a great feeling! Now to understand that crazy talk you'd have to know more about my Before attitude & feelings - meaning before my Feb decision and my March 1st start date.

So here's to everyone having a wonderful weekend and I'm certainly excited about mine. What will it bring? OH and Sunday is my weigh in day. I'm excited to use my new scale. :)


Thursday, March 26, 2009

So the answer is in...

I'm not pregnant. I just about jumped for joy. Which is odd for me since really, I've wanted to get pregnant for so long. BUT I know I need to do this first. I need to put me first and lets face it when 1 kid and a hubby are around that is hard enough. Add in another I'm afraid that it'll take me even longer without paying for a nutritionist and a trainer. Holy moley! I would have gone first thing this morning to get a test, but I was afraid the answer would be yes. So it took me all day and one of my best friends slapping me thru the phone before I decided to get one.
But, there is some good that comes out of this.

1. I'm not pregnant! hahahaha

2. I now know I'm really not ready yet to have another, if it happens it happens, BUT for the first time in over a year... I'll be using birth control, just to be sure :-) Yeah I know... don't go there... i know you can get pregnant if you're not using birth control. hahahahha!! We just are not that fertile and the last 1 took 3 years of no BC before she popped up. :) This time no pregnancy and it's been a year and a 1/2. So I stay away from the pills & other hormone ones so that my body doesn't also have to fight those issues. And lets face it... I have no drive, so really... none of it has been an issue. Anyhow... i digressed and probably shared WAY too much :) So it's time to hit the store and buy some much needed help in prevention. :) it's time to call for my annual and I'll talk to the Dr about non-hormonal options. Maybe learn the Basal system.... I think that's what it's called. For now, it's just time to prevent naturally; at least until after summer, I'm sure I'll be taking a look at the subject a lot between now and my goal date of 12/31/09.

3. I'm REALLY in this. This is not one of those times where I think OK, it's time to get off my duff and do something and quit times. This really is MY time to get to the me inside this fat suit. And with that I had a BIG sigh of relief I think part of me was afraid that I was just going to quit again and I'm tired of quitting. Now, I know for sure I will not quit something that felt so devastating to me to have to quit. Besides, I'm really excited about my world that is opening up to me.

4. I'm a pretty regular girl these days so for me to be this late, 5 days as of this evening, which just doesn't happen for me. Even though I'm overweight and I feel like the amount of exercise I am doing is a big deal for me, but not in the scheme of things. Obviously for MY body it's a big deal. Which means even though I'm not sitting here dying every day from muscle fatigue... My body must be working hard! Can you give me a whoopwhoopp!!! hahahhahaa

Finally, I feel good this evening. Much better than all day & yesterday. Hubby and I went shopping tonight as I'm just dying to get things to help me succeed and some just plain fun stuff to have while I do this. I got a small simple digital scale to replace my old manual one as I'm worried it's not accurate. We accidentally bought an expensive scale that does weight, bone density, BMI and body water and we were really only looking for weight & BMI. I'm excited to use it on Sunday. I'll have to use the old one 1st on Sunday and then the new one just to be sure there is no discrepencies and can calculate correctly if there is. But hey I'll take it; he agreed to not return it and that is a PLUS. I've taught him a little too well how to be frugal that sometimes he's worse than me. :) LOL I think in the next few days I'll be dragging him to the sports store for new shoes. I can't wait!

I have some paperwork I MUST do for work and then I'll head to bed and start a new day. Tonight I am excited for tomorrow and i haven't felt that way the last 2 days so I think my funk is over. Which makes me sing in my head, who let the funk out.... hahahahahhahaa!!! Yeah wrong words, but that's what's going on in my head. I must feel good. :)


Blow me away, please just blow me away

I told you a lot has been on my mind today... so here goes.

1. I don't know what the heck is going on with me. I'm just so tired. I'm trying to beat it but it seems to just kick my butt to the curb and laugh in my face. My insomnia seems to be creeping back into my night life and that is not making things any better. I just want to feel good again. Praying it's my PMS... but only time will tell.

2. I'm still getting that icky feeling when i eat meat, i think my problem is back and I'm not looking forward to learning to live with it again. i might have to go to the Dr this time and get it medically figured out. But I don't want to look like the crazy woman yet again... so we'll see. Part of my get healthy kick is to stop putting things off, so i I can't ignore it either. So be proactive right? I'm going to track my tummy feelings after every meal on my WW food journal and if a pattern DOES emerge... it's back to the Dr for me. :( blah!!!

OH and did I tell you I found out that your stomache CAN shrink without surgery. :) So maybe it's just all just a yeah me thing for eating smaller portions and now it's time for even smaller. :)

3. A pattern has emerged into my life this last few weeks... I can feel my muscles. I can almost imagine them growing and sparking and coming alive! Every day, not a minute goes by when I don't feel them. Not pain, not tightness, I don't know I can't explain it. But it feels DARN good to have them tell me, HEY I'm down here. It lifts me up even! For a long time now, all I've ever felt was pain. My hubby doesn't get that fat hurts. So when he pinches me, smacks me on the rear or tickles me too hard... it hurts. He doesn't get it. So the twinges or coming alive of muscles that I'm experiencing means my body is changing! It means I'm doing good work and need to keep going. It means I'm changing. :)

4. Hubby came to me today. He's upset he's not seeing more results from his.... ummm... lets call them stretches and crunches. He asked me what I think he should do. I had to admit to him, I don't care. I'm all about me these days. I've been taking care of him for 6 years trying to get him to take care of himself and I just can't do it anymore. Don't get me wrong, I love him and of course I care. But I can't focus on him; not even a little. I did tell him I think he doesn't eat enough and maybe that is why he's not achieving the results he's looking for & that I don't think he's doing enough in the exercise department. But that's a tomaetoe/tomato issue. He eats dinner with me (and I'm on WW, so I cook him what i eat most of the time) and a breakfast. The rest is usually munchies.... If that's enough for him to see results, which at first it was; I'll sit down and die. Anyhow... I got off track. What should he do? hhhmmmm.... We got our tax return and are being REALLY good at not spending it, yet. We're trying to make good informed decisions and have something to show for it in the end. So I suggested maybe we see about getting a trainer. Just for a short while, get us on a routine we can each do and teach us what we are and aren't doing right. He wasn't too sure, so I'll be researching it. I've been thinking how I'd really love it if there was someone I could just talk to, see what i can do, etc... and knew I couldn't spend the money on a trainer. We have a roof to keep over our heads and we're struggling as it is. So, maybe this is my way in. We'll see. I need to find someone we both like and can afford. Is there such a person?

5. I've spent the last few days doing a lot of beating myself up. Not for slip-ups. I really haven't had any. I'm staying on point despite my fatigue and when I got the nerve to munch, I told myself no. But I'm not doing all I could be for exercise. I've barely touched on my goals for this week due to my energy levels. This mornings walk, I said I was proud of myself when i got home. That's because I was done with it. I set out on my walk and all I could think of was how much I DIDN'T want to be doing it. It was like that yesterday too. So much so, that I was seriously almost talking myself out of finishing it. My playlist was not pushing me like usual, I've got some great upbeat hit 'em hard, make me unconsciously dance tunes on there and they, just couldn't drive me. Until finally when i hit the playground on my route and asked myself what the he** are you doing? You can do this. You've been doing this. Do you WANT to stay this way? I just kept repeating to myself I WILL run, I WILL run, because by that time i had almost talked myself completely out of it. I did run. i did well, wasn't as winded as the other day. I worked more on my technique than speed, etc... I got home and I did feel good, but it's hard fighting yourself. I can fight anyone and know I will probably win. But fighting myself to keep moving and do what needs to be done when I'm just plain tired is hard.

To wrap this all up, I know this whole things sounds so negative, but the truth is here:
I DID IT! I have yet to return to old eating patterns these last few days just because I'm tired. I have not given up. I'm just struggling. I'm not giving up no matter how i feel so even if beating myself into submission means being tired, then da*n it I will! Too bad missy won't let hubby put her down at night or I could just go to bed instead of struggling when my day is done. BUT beating me and my issues is what this is all about right? so no matter what the day brings and no matter how negative this blog sounds, it's all true and in the negativity lies the truth. I'm beating me. And I'm thinking I should have named this blog finding my way back to me because at the end of the day, I'm proud of myself and I haven't felt that way in a really really really long time.

I hope all of you are NOT struggling as bad as I am and if you are, take heart, hunker down and fight your way out of it, we ALL deserve to win the battles we rage against ourselves. We're our worst critics, but also our biggest supporters. In the mean time I'm glad you guys are here to help encourage me and to read my thoughts. Just having this outlet to put it all down and be accountable to is helping immensely to let go of a lot of mental crap and work through my inner shipola.


Thusday's even more challenging day

Ok... I have a lot to say and no gumption to say it at this moment. I will tell you today has been yet again a hard day for me. I'm feeling exhausted and dragged out like I was punched to death.

Good news is I did go for my walk/run this morning and it actually felt good when i got home. hahahaha! More on that later.

I have a lot on my mind. Lots I want to share. But I'm going to wait and get things a little clearer in my head; I'm like a kid on too much sugar in my brain right now. I can't think straight. I have an errand to go run and I think I'm going to stop and get some coffee on my way home to cathartically (is that a word, who cares it's my word) soothe my way to functioning until bed time. I'll be back soon with A LOT to say.

OH and today has yet again turned out to be a beautifully blustery windy day and I just adore it (- all the dirt). If I had grass in my front or back yard, I'd go lay in it, close my eyes and listen to the wind blowing in the trees. I know that would put me back to straights. Oh well. off to run my errand.


Wednesday- Challenging day wrap up

Ok... So, I am proud to say that I DID go for the walk I said I would go on with my daughter when she got up. I also decided to take my camera so i could take pictures of the area I've been walking & running so that you all could have a visual because I just KNOW you're all dying to see it. hahahahaha!!!

It's a park. What do you know :) Here is where I do my hardest part of the walk

See that little black thing on the left side over there? That is roughly where I start running. I know the distance from home & back, but I've never looked to see how far I'm running. So i did check my pedometer at the start and to the 1st pole. It's .03 of a mile. 1st pole to 2nd pole is .03 of a mile. So sometime soon I will run from start to 2nd pole and back. For now, I'll take my combined .06 for the loop I am doing.

This pole is where I 1st stopped running. I would walk to the 2nd pole back there that you can barely see and walk back to this 1st pole and then start running again until I get to my original start point. NOW this week I started continuing the run to 1/2 way between the 2 poles during the 1st leg. I walk to the 2nd and back to the 1st and then run again. I know THRILLING stuff. Come to think of it that means I'm running like what .075... I don't know. Anyhow... I have to admit I chose this area because of my insecurities in how I look due to my weight. And although that fence is keeping me from going onto the school grounds on the other side is a hilly area that keeps the houses with metal fences from watching me. I know... But hey, at least I'm running & walking despite the absurdity.

Normally, I walk back the same exact way i came. Thru the park and down my street. But since missy was with me I decided to walk thru a neighborhood so that i could loop around to where the ponds all are so she can feed the duckies and 1 really mean goose who wouldn't share. Mind you I figured I'd probably be right there and didn't calculate my entrance to the neighborhood very well. I ended way past my landlords house which is 1/2 a mile away from my house. I was thinking HOLY SHIPOLA how far am i going to have to walk just to feed the stinking ducks. I'm not up for this today, I don't even want to do this. OMG! I felt like I was walking forever. I seriously had to push myself to not stop and call someone for a ride home. I was just that exhausted. Anyhow... I finally made it to this pond which is @ the entrance to our neighborhood. Ponds and lakes everywhere and it's all part of the park. If I wasn't so absurd in my own body about how I look... I'd be walking & running here when she wasn't with me. LOL

By the time I got home thinking ok, I'm proud even though I didn't want to, i probably walked 2 miles or more. Yeah... What a joke! I only walked 1.45mi TOTAL. I felt so stupid @ how I was feeling and how lazy I felt while walking. Disappointed in myself and wrote it all down and was wishing I could slap myself silly. But I didn't. I just got on with my day and figured that's what i get for being so unmotivated.

Last, here is a picture of my daughter after we fed the ducks and before we headed home. She's my pride and joy. :)

the rest of the day didn't really consist of much. It was all I could to stay on point, to do something anything off my todo list and to not just crawl onto the couch. i tried looking deep into myself to figure out WHAT was going on with me and I never figured it out. Until I was ready to go to bed. I was writing my activities for the day (my walk) down on my calendar in my bathroom (this is how I know I can take a day off or not when I first get up) and noticed I've missed my period. It's not super late, just a few days... but now I get my exhaustion and my lack of motivation. I get this way during my time and leading up to it. For some reason, I just get drag out can't do it kinda of fatigue. Anyhow... I wasn't worried about the lateness of it at first because I've TOTALLY increased my exercise since my last period. And then while lying in bed this fear came over me... what if I'm pregnant! OMG when did we last have sex... I looked at the calender again and realized I was probably ovulating and oh crap what will i do if it's not due to increased activity. I want to get pregnant, i've been wanting to for a year now... But lets face it, you gotta have sex for that and it aint happening too much in this house. And now that i'm finally in this mode of I WILL get healthy... I'm freaking out at the thought of being way laid by pregnancy. Sadly, part of my get healthy mode is so that my next pregnancy won't be a fearful mess that I'll get pre-eclampsia and harm the pregnancy due to my hypertension that is directly related to my weight. Anyhow... So I didn't fall asleep very well and dreamed I got pregnant and gained 100 pounds and didn't lose it with the baby. Which is ridiculous because that is NOT what i did with my 1st. I was careful NOT to gain "extra" weight and NOT to eat for 2. After the swelling of my entire body went down... I was back to my pre-prego weight. Anyhow... So that is how my day ended yesterday. And today....
Well that's a whole other blog.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Sheepishly hiding

Ok... so... I'm just going to say it.

I'm sitting here being lazy and not even enjoying it, but i can't seem to get myself moving to get out the door to go for my walk/run; not even for a warm up can I muster the drive to get up from this computer.

I wish I could say it's because I'm just so darned engrossed. Yeah, NO. I know what the problem is, I did this last week too. Somehow 2 weeks in a row I've managed to stay up VERY late on Tues night and consequently just can't function. 2 cups of coffee already and I don't even feel like the fog of sleep is lifting. My bed is calling my name and sadly, I can't even go get into it. Missy will be up in 30 minutes, and I'm 1 cranky bi**h when I only nap for such a short time. So instead I'm sitting here wondering if anyone even cares but me if I sit here on my big rump and do nothing today. I know the answer, I'm the only one who does matter and it DOES matter. Knowing that doesn't seem to change my feelings right now.

Now, the truth of it is I don't have a day of nothing to do. I have to pay bills, go grocery shopping @ 3 stores, work, light housecleaning, and take care of little missy when she's awake. How is it I've managed to need vegi's by Wed 2 weeks in row, when I despise wed shopping due to the nice friendly older folks who are out doing their wed shopping due to the adds coming out today? OH RIGHT, I'm eating them. Shipola. Somehow, that makes me laugh. The absurdity in my own question. I think today's Sprouts trip will consist of LESS buying and only getting what i need to last til the weekend so that i can get back on a friday-monday shopping trip. ooowww... and the farmers market here in Surprise is suppose to be starting up again this month... which reminds me that i wanted to check out fillyourplate.org for Az agriculture info so that i can buy AZ instead of some other god forsaken place. Anyhow... Am I totally just a basket case today in this blog today? I feel like I'm all over the place like an adult with ADD... Oh wait! That's normal for me right? :) LOL

ANYHOW... Before I lose you, I WILL get missy up and leave for a walk with her. I'll take my same route and try to muster the gumption to run my running portion of my walk and if I don't run, at least I walked. She's been waking up asking to go for a walk since I started doing it alone anyhow...

Also... really my time this morning wasn't too waste full. Thanks to Carolina girl blog design I found an EASY place to jazz up my blog at the cutest blog on the block I think next I'll check my facebook and check out a playlist for my blog. What's my theme song? What music do you want to hear while you're reading my blog? hhhmmmmm... what do i want to hear while I'll checking in. hhhmmmm. I think my brain might be starting to lift out of the fog of sleep.


Tuesday, March 24, 2009

So this is crazy...

Okay, I'm a little annoyed and a little concerned... Do i even need to be concerned. Should I be jumping for joy or should I be checking my self in for a loony bin check. Okay, I probably have you REALLY wondering. But I've had those exact thoughts in my head for almost 3 hours now and I HAD to get them out.

Here's the deal. The last 2 days I've noticed this weird phenomenon going on after I eat. My stomach hurts. Like I just stuffed myself because I wouldn't get any more so i ate every last bite of the 4-6 servings that was in front of me kinda full. So what are you eating you may ask? Healthy! We're talking 24 points spread out between 3 meals... and sometimes I have a 2 point snack sometime during the day. And really, When I say healthy I'm talking HEALTHY. Sometimes I have an occasional "fun" lunch like corn dogs or some other I don't wanna bother food. But it's always within points and I'm VERY selective if I do this, i go into that kind of meal with both eyes open comparing points with every option & the "fill" factor of said options. Mind you, now that i write that... It'd probably be just as long to make a meal as it does to make an informed decision. hahahahahaah!! Oh well, must remember that one. So here's an average day.

Breakfast: Egg whites w/ vegi's & Canadian bacon (preparation depends on my mood) Sometimes some 0pt bread... Sometimes I throw in some cheese or other yummies like salsa.
Lunch: a wrap or salad. Always with extreme lean Turkey.
I usually use 12-14 points between breakfast & lunch so that I have 10-12 points for a snack and dinner.
Dinner: Depending on the meat i choose for the night (Always chicken or Fish) 3-6oz. & a 0pt Vegi. The rest of the points are filled in with preparation of the meat or added bonus's depending on my points left over for the day.
Snacks: usually things like grapefruit, Pretzels... turkey and cheese stick. Really, I've been boring in this department as I've not really been snacking lately.
Splurges: If I managed to eat WAY too well for the day then i splurge and use my points up with having some packaged flavored oatmeal. it's the perfect treat and the flavors make me feel like I'm eating a cake or muffin or cookie. hhhmmmm.... Beverages are easy. Coffee or water all day.

So, obviously, this is an average day. Sometimes I add extra fun points to a meal like Brie cheese or Parm cheese or I add extra dressing to a salad. I always use my AP points before I dip into my FP points when extra points are needed. I rather use what i worked darn hard for then something that's a freebie. Hey it helps to keep me from splurging and over eating all the time! :) Anyhow... The last 2 days were average days. So the problem is that after dinner and today after lunch & dinner. I was full. Not satisfied, FULL; I feel sick kinda full (still am) and I ate 3.5 hours ago. I didn't eat too fast (aka shoveling), and I didn't drink too much. My food wasn't greasy; just the opposite. Oh and no I'm not constipated, Hubby asked me that one. I just don't get it. is my stomach shrinking? Is years of over eating and now just 1.2 months of eating REAL serving size portions of things REALLY putting my stomach back to a normal non over eater size stomach. I know, sounds crazy doesn't it? Can a stomach really stretch and then shrink back? I don't know; you here things like this all the time, but is it true? But I'm really getting frustrated with it. Yesterday I didn't eat all my points because I made a really low point, but OMG so tasty dinner and when i got done cooking decided I can't possibly fatten this up. I'll have oatmeal for dessert. I was really excited about it and then... I felt sick, couldn't eat anything else. For lunch today, Same thing AGAIN (but without the oatmeal) and dinner, same... Luckily I only had 1 point not eaten for today. I have all my AP points left still for the week as I haven't needed to dip into them.

So on some level I'm happy. If it's shrinking. YEAH me. I've done something right! I've finally got a new thresh hold for fullness; and this time it's lower instead of highter. But if 5oz of chicken (upped the portion size due to point level still needing to eat today) and 2c of broccoli or 1oz pretzels (didn't eat them all though), 2oz of turkey & 2 cheese sticks... is too much.... What the heck am i going to eat? Is this where I re-evaluate my portion sizes yet again? Does that mean instead I need to add more fatty options to my meals instead of non greasy low cal options? I don't know what this means... I'm a little confused and I'm seriously feeling crazy!!

On the other hand... i just got done reading this for editing and am now wondering about something. Yes, reading my own post usually puts things in perspective for me. :) Before I got pregnant in Feb of 06 whenever I ate any kind of meat; Seafood, red meant, white meat... you name it, I would feel sick. I can't describe the feeling as it's been so long I'm not sure how the "sickness" felt. I just dealt with this feeling for YEARS because lets face it, I'm a meat girl and I didn't want to give it up. I don't mind the Vegi only way as I did do it for a while a few years back, but I like meat and always return to it's yummy goodness.... hhhmmmm. Anyhow... i Digress. I was always very careful about how much meat I ate in 1 sitting. When i ate a full serving I just knew I'd be feeling icky. While i was pregnant this all magically went away! I know, the meat fairy was on my side, she took it all away. WHOHOOOO!! I was a normal person again! I figured it would go back to the pre-prego way when I delivered her, but it didn't ever return.... So, reading this blog has brought all that back to memory. So now, maybe I'm not crazy... maybe I'm just returning back to my pre-prego day normal. And if so, what does that mean?

Geezus. Am I going to have to play with my food again to find a happy medium as I did all those years ago or is it a shrunken stomach or am I going to finally have to decide to go vegi all the way for good? I've already given up red meat, I know if I have to I can give up Chicken, but not fish. I've grown to love it. Wow isn't that a switch from years back. :) Ok, no that's negative thinking I can give up seafood to if I have to.

I guess I need to start by tracking my tummy feeling after I get done eating. I don't know. This kinda blows. But... then again, isn't this just the kind of obstacle I need to keep my new lifestyle on it's toes and keep me guessing so that i don't get bored and quit like I always have in the past? Oh wait, in the past this is the kind of thing that I would quit over. I WON"T QUIT!! We'll see happens. I'll sleep on it and decide on a plan to figuring this out tomorrow.


I did it!

Did I tell you what my goals were for this week?
1. walk 5x this week. Push the 1st leg of my run to 1/2 way between the 2 light poles (yeah I know hard to visualize)
2. 30 crunches added to my daily routine
3. Stair stepper & band workouts at least 4x this week

In the past goal settling always left me falling flat on my face and not after my goal is reached either, but I'm proud to say that since hitting rock bottom and starting this new life; I'm doing it!

So far, I've done all 3 consistently this week. hehehehehe! It may be early but I like the odds. :)
This morning I went for my walk/run. I even stretched my 1st leg of the run a little further, although by the time I was done with both legs of the running part, I was VERY winded. I need to reach deep in my memory and look for the things about training and tips the coach taught me, Holy crapola, almost 17 years ago. Has it really been that long? OM I think I might need to do some research on tips for runners and training for running. I am not sure my brain will go that far back. :):):):):) Anyhow... today will be another busy day of the To-Do list as every day it adds to itself and grows. I think it's a living organism sometimes. It grows over night and although it's my handwriting... I don't remember writing any of it down.

If anyone has any suggestions/advice for running & training to be able to run, i'm TOTALLY open for them. :)


Yesterday's challenging quest

Yesterday started out pretty rough and by the time I felt well enough to get moving I opted for my ToDo list. Yep, no walk yesterday :( BUT I did do my stair stepper, bands & some stretches last night. I also didn't just sit around thinking about how I should and need to go for a walk. I didn't feel bad about opting for something else. By the time I finished getting just about my entire ToDo list completed it was time to put missy down for the night. I actually felt really good, I did a lot around here and although I didn't do my walk. I did keep moving and it was not a lazy day!

However I did have 1 problem yesterday. I didn't eat all my points. Not even close. I ate all 3 meals and even a snack. Figured I'd eat some yummy sweet oatmeal to put me where I needed to be for dessert, but it turns out even though I ate the same amount of food for dinner as usual... I was still full by the time 9:00 rolled around. I just couldn't force myself to eat anything. I was just way too full from dinner still. So, I know I shouldn't, but i had to close the day with 6 points still left to eat. My husband offered to go get ice cream or something to add the points without really "eating" and I just couldn't do it. Which was a 1st and it felt REALLY good to be able to say no. And not no, I wish i could... but No I don't want it. Anyhow... the points issue was a 1st so hopefully it won't happen again or golly geez I'll have to start eating higher point breakfast foods and lunch foods. Darn! :)


Monday, March 23, 2009


I'm full of disappointment right now. I woke up with a massive headache that is making me nauseous and there is no way I can go walking with it this morning. I feel a little empty and dissappointed by it. And this is a new feeling for me. But then again... I'm glad I really have gotten into a grove with my walking that I feel this way. I'm going to strive to go this evening and as soon as this headache dissappears I will do my stair stepper and band exercises. For now I will get caught up on all the computer work that has been on my todo list for weeks. Guess some good can come out of it. :)

I just can't get over how quickly exercise and the enjoyment of it has over taken my life. No more being relieved that I HAVE to not do it. WOW! What a change.

Also... my mom emailed my aunt and I this morning (we email each other throughout the week to help support and lift each other up as we try and lose weight and get healthier) and said that I have become her motivation and her inspiration. Makes me want to cry for joy. :)


Sunday, March 22, 2009

This weekends challenges & updates

It's been a busy & lazy weekend.
Saturday's walk/run was AWESOME! The weather was beautiful and I was feeling it again; that amazing high and excitement I've been getting when i go for walks. During my walk I kept thinking of the past, but all in good ways. All the things I thought I couldn't do or triumphed over. HS track & field, cross country, kickin' men out of my life when I loved them, Being invited to study abroad in college & the following years making it to the deans list; finding someone to love me despite my quirky personality. :) All these things involved a lot of I can not do it, or something or other that pulled me down, or worse others who thought I couldn't and standing up for myself and persevering (is that the right word). And now for once in a long time... that same perseverance is striving forth and I am proving to myself as this time this is who needs to be stood up to and proved wrong, that i can do this. I CAN weigh what i deserve and should weigh. I can live healthy and be healthy and enjoy life. Anyhow... That was a lot for a 22min mile. :) The rest of Sat though... was pretty darn lazy and spent watching TV and playing with missy. :) When i finally dragged myself to think about dinner. All I wanted to do was be lazy and buy dinner; didn't matter that I had fridge full of food or leftovers, I was just resorting to old habits when i didn't want to cook. I even went thru my WW books for where the best option for fast food will be. yeah took a lot of work... and what do you know... NOTHING!! Not so that I'll feel full and satisfied and not hungry later. I decided on Taco Bell, ran to Wally world for printer ink and headed over there... what do you know. Will power won out. I left the parking lot with no food and decided on leftovers. Did make me decide to start cooking extra like I used to (used to cook for an army, not it's just enough) and if nothing else, freeze it for days like Sat. I'm glad I changed my mind. i had the AP FP points to use and totally could have, but weigh in in Sunday's for me... maybe that was why... hhhmmmm....Anyhow...

1st thing this morning I had no coffee... i felt deprived it smelled and tasted funny. 2 pots. Somethings wrong with the beans. Didn't realize it until this evening, no coffee tomorrow either. What will i do :( oh dear me. I really am perplexed over this, but I will live. I digress... Shortly after waking up my mom showed up so that we could go hiking. We went out the white tanks. I haven't been out there for a while and was excited to go. We had a good time. I like spending time with my mom, especially in this capacity. :)We decided to do it every weekend unless something else was planned. So we talked in depth about that and how to make it work on days I will need to take missy with me. 2mi and neither one of us kept track of time but kept a good pace. I got home, had a 3pt brunch to save up for Lunch @ peter Piper for a kids BD party. Had in my head I was going to order a salad and no dressing so i could fill up on vegi's before the pizza and what do you know... they called and changed venue. Crap, what am I going to do!!! Ended up going to a park, having a lot of fun. Little Cesar's pizza instead and chose smaller pieces and still ate 3. When i got home I was glad to see it was only 12pts but I still wanted to Sh** my pants. HOLY COW!!!! Pizza great but OMG am I glad I can have a low pt breakfast and dinner to counter balance. I did have a lot of fun hanging and talking with my best friend, her daughter and my family with no tension... ok a little tension from the boy situation, but what do you do? I loved the time we had just the same. Tonight I had to fight the urge and talk myself out of more pizza that my hubby brought home for himself. It was calling my name and I am proud to say i changed my name to fish & fresh green beans! WHOHOO!! hows that for ya pizza! Now I'm stuffed and ready to clean off my stair stepper and use my bands and it for some more exercise. Clean it off you say? Yes... It's been outside for almost a year now and it's so dirty. Hubby asked me what to do with it as he wanted me to say donate it. I almost said yes and then almost said well when I'm in better shape I want to use it. WHAT? What about no more waiting? So I promised him if in the next 2 weeks I didn't use it at least 3x a week ea week... we could get rid of it. So... I am resolving myself to incorporate my resistance bands and it to do as my additional exercise besides my walks. I am not where I can use it for 10 min a day, but what about a few minutes at a time throughout the day... we'll see if I can work that in :) I'm kinda excited. Which means I should go clean it and as soon as this food settles... start exercising. :) It was a great weekend and I'm excited for tomorrow. Do you realize how long it's been since I was excited every day to wake up and start a new day... it's been a long time and it feels fabulous!


Friday, March 20, 2009

Today's challenge

Good news is, I did some resistance work this evening, so along with my Mile and that. I'm in good standing for today. I stayed on my points and didn't even use my AP points! It's been a long and emotional day for me. But all in all... I was a good doobie. :)

The craziness of it is...

The craziness of all this weight loss. Clothes. Today I've been feeling sluggish and a little out sorts. Like I'm coming down with a cold. And while emailing a very good friend of mine it hit me, it's my clothes. I've lost 5lbs since the 1st (my 1st weigh in) and this morning while out on my walk, my pants kept falling down. As big & short as I am I have to be careful that my pants don't dip below my belly without showing it off to everyone. uuggghhhh! This has always been a big fear of mine. I was annoyed with it when i was out walking and even more annoyed while running. And while emailing about relationships... it hit me (I know odd thinking process; relationship & weight loss/clothes) it's my clothes. I'm feeling that fearful dread of what will I do about clothes when what I'm wearing start to not fit? I don't have any money for new clothes and I know I won't be able to fit those skinny girl clothes in the garage for a while. And this thought process made me think back to the last time I bought clothes. It was horrific for me.

I can no longer shop at walmart and Target for clothes because I've gotten too big and I'm just not tall enough for the women's world departments where shirts become odd length dresses on me. And they all look like old lady clothes to me; like what my dear late grandma used to wear. I'm still young or at least I feel young. Anyhow... This all led to a huge light bulb realization in my head. I feel like I've been feeling off and sludgy today because of those same feelings. I don't want to shop. If I lose weight I'll have to shop. Holy crap I can't go thru that again. WHAT THE F'er!!!???? This is not how I should be feeling. I feel happy & sad all at the same time about losing 5lbs. I feel stupid. And this all starts a whole different cycle.

This isn't the 1st time this has happened to me either. Looking back over my calendar, every time I lost weight... i gained it right back. And today I've been fighting that urge to munch. Fighting that urge to sleep and be unproductive. I've been struggling so bad. Heck I ate 2 corn dogs when i wasn't even hungry. I know some people are thinking whoopeedo. 2 corn dogs. but why did I eat them? Because I knew they'd taste good & I was emotionally eating. I don't feel bad about it at least & I'm not beating myself up, because at least I know why and I stopped myself from going further. At least I still have ample amounts of points for dinner and plenty of AP points from the last 2 days to make a good filling dinner; not to mention those lovely flex points to fall back on. I'm just shocked at how easily today happened. And I need to figure out a way to deal with the whole buying clothes issue. Obviously gaining weight to stay into your fat clothes is a very BAD idea :) I think I'll be getting the sewing machine out and working on tightening up some of my waist lines. At least until I've dropped a pant size. Then I guess I'll have to do some thrift shopping and pray to the clothes god to help me.


Waiting & Running Away

Something my new lifestyle is teaching me, is more about myself. I don't know, almost like a fog is lifting. My walks give me the unadulterated time to think and process my thoughts without constant 2yr old interruptions or my ToDo list starring me in the face distracting me. Kinda like how my hot baths used to be for me before I got pregnant.

1 of the things I've realized is just how much time I've spent waiting my entire adult life. Waiting for love, to grow up, to decide what i want to be, finances to get better, to lose weight, to be healthier, to see my Dr's, waiting waiting waiting. You name it I've waited for it.
Along with waiting I've realized how much I've been mentally running away. Running away from Alex (long story), fear of failure in terms of school, love, my childhood, my dreams, fear of not belonging, you name it... I've been running away from it. The list goes on and on and I don't want to cry because the realization of the waiting I've been doing and the running I've been doing brings me to tears. And it's not good tears, tears of sadness.

When I was 18 I set our on my own, moved to another state, all so I could LIVE. So I could do what I've always dreamed of. To just be me with no parental influence. And oh boy did I. I made mistakes, things happened good and bad. I learned to live. Did I shelter myself in some ways. heck yeah, it's hard living on your own in a place where you only know a hand full of people. But i made friends, good friends, I had a life I enjoyed. Yes i got lonely at times, but I was me. There just weren't as many excuses. And when i look back, somewhere along the way, I've lost who I am. I've become this person I'm not even sure of. Maybe I'm still there and just in a fog of fat... fog of fear, fog of running & waiting. But I can see the fog lifting.

So with these realizations and this lifting of the fog I'm seeing more clearly. Realizing I'm tired of WAITING tired of RUNNING. I can see that those 2 things alone are WHY I'm fat. Today on my way home from my walk, thinking about things; 1 of my favorite artist came on Poe and the song was the absolute perfect song at the most perfect moment. 'Walk the Walk'. Made me realize I need to walk to the beat of my own drum (a line in the song). And if I'm not sure what that tune is yet... so, I'll just beat away until the song comes to me. I'll beat away until the fog lifts and I'll beat away the waiting and running games to truly become me. Instead I'll start running.... running towards those things I've been waiting on and running away from.

With that being said, my first step is to stop waiting until I'm in better shape to start training to run. So today i decided no matter how I feel, when i walk (when missy is with me, might not be able to... will try that experiment when the time comes:) I WILL RUN. If I go by myself, I have the perfect spot marked out for my walk and I've now ran in the same spots 2 days in a row. I'll work on increasing distance weekly so that I can be on my way to running a full mile ASAP instead of waiting. No more waiting. Which means, I better go get missy up and go get running... running towards something instead of away!


Thursday, March 19, 2009

Today's challenge

As I already posted I walked today and added in some running. WHOHOO! Needless to say, I'm proud of myself. :) I also came home and did my spring time gardening in my front yard with my daughter. Holy cow was I tired afterwards. :)
Because of everything I did before 11am, I ended up skipping breakfast. Not really on purpose though. it's been getting warm again here in Az and I was just trying to get my outside chores done before I melted. Anyhow... I just made myself a super yummy breakfast/lunch instead. I actually got to add cheese and lots of cheese to my eggs. Since lunch and breakfast rolled into 1 I knew I had more points to play with. I made them similar to how I would have BEFORE I started getting my lifestyle healthified. And ya know... they weren't as good. They taste so much better when all I've added is just a hint of cheese or dairy. hhhmmm... i can tell my taste buds are changing in regards to that kind of fattening indulgence. WHOHOOO!! Anyhow... Dinner was yummy. Fish with a HUGE salad and some more things I don't normally add onto it. like croutons and olives. I definitely don't like trying to squeeze in as much points as I can into 2 meals and 1 snack. Makes it harder on me. Go figure. It's easier when i use crappier food to round out my points, But not as tasty. :)


New highs and lows!

Some days I feel like I can't get any higher or lower. Today has broke both those boundaries all win an hours span.
1st for the Highs!
I had a great walk this morning. I felt so good, even took a few... or really 10 minutes to talk to our old neighbor while he was driving by. I felt a bounce in my step and I felt like I was 10 feet tall (I'm only 4'11") and fabulous! This is the best I've felt yet on my walks. I felt so good that when I was almost to the .50mi mark... I did some light running.... partly because I felt that wonderful and partly because I was worried about getting home in time before missy woke up. Not far, just a short distance( probably .05-.10mi), didn't even get fully winded. On my way back home about the same place I had started running again for probably the same distance. Just to get me moving closer to home quicker since I took so long with the neighbor. I feel fantastic about it! Didn't plan it. Can't guarantee that I can do it all the time... but, if body circumstances are the same... I'll do it again in a heart beat!
Now for the lows.
I won't go into much detail because it's not my life I'm talking about. But my best friend for over 20years now is going thru something very tough. She knows I'm vocal and I'll give my opinion when she asks for it, and in doing so she knows I'll be dreadfully honest. Anyhow... yesterday she and I were talking and it hit me last night that something she said... bothered me. She told me she didn't want me mad at her and the told me the updates on her situation. It hit me... she thought I'd be mad. And then I gave her my thoughts, sh**.... does she think I'm mad about it? Did I go to far in our talk after her having said that. I'm afraid for her, deeply and she's like sister to me. So I left her message and then today when i got home from my walk... I had an email from her. She isn't upset about anything i said... but she's upset that I'm disappointed in her or that i might be. And reading her email brought tears to my eyes. I could never be disappointed in her or mad at her for how she lives her life. She said she knows I'm being supportive but is worried it's because I have to be kinda situation. idk. I feel like the most horrible friend right now and it's making me cry. She's the 1 person i strive to... idk. Anyhow... There you go. not the full story. And obviously when i get my emotions in check, I need to make a phone call.

Here's to a great day and meeting all my challenges for the day.

Yesterday's challenge was a BLAH day

In some ways, yesterday was not a good day for me. I didn't have much food in the house the last few days that were in my healthy eating zone, so that's been a little off nutritionally, but I've stayed in my WWP. Exercise was a bomb. Of course I didn't exactly set myself up for success Tues night either. The house we are renting is all tile, except the bedrooms and I despise mopping. Even with my handy dandy all purpose floor mopper, it might have something to do with the bruised tailbone I've had to heal 2 different times since moving here...hhhmmmm.... Sorry i digress. These floors were disgusting, so Tues night, since missy went down early for the night because she refused to take a nap, I cleaned my floors. I ended up somehow managing to stay up til 1am. I haven't done that since before I started walking....
That's right. Holy crapola, since I started walking I haven't been an insomniac. WHOHOOO!! Must remember that to share with my family supporters. :)
Anyhow, by the time the alarm clock went off wed morning, there was no way I was getting up at 7am. So 8:15 it was and after 3 cups of coffee I still wasn't awake enough to function. So I decided to take the day off and instead spent it grocery shopping, running errands and working in the evening. At least my day wasn't completely wasteful like Sunday, but I'm looking forward to my walk this morning, even though my tired brain is screaming go back to bed. Alas, I better go stretch before that inkling wins out.


Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Just had to share!

Yeah me! I went for my walk again today before missy is even up!!! As much as I didn't want to do it as i was tired... i did it. :) I am starting to wonder though... Why is is no matter how far I walk; a flat mile, 1.25mi, 1.18mi, etc... It's taking me the same amount of time no matter what? Hhhmmmm.... Oh well. While I was out I also decided that as soon as I get my flat mile down below 20 minutes; not sure where I want it to be yet. I will start working on running. Originally when i got to a happy mile mark I would increase my mile, etc... but today i decided I want to start running. I miss it more and more and just 9 years ago... i had been running again (from a 5yr hiatus) so i know i can do it. no matter how much i weigh. i can do it. What does getting my mile down to mean? Getting to where I don't ache and hurt and can push it extensively into a hard/fast walking mile... time wise, not sure what this means. But as soon as I get to a good place with ONLY a mile... I won't be increasing distance just the strength of my mile, I'll start working on building running into my mile. :) I'm excited and impatient all at the same time... So we'll see If I can keep myself from getting impatient with the pace I'm going to have to take this at. :)

Also... Chubby Chick. Thank you for tuning in. i so appreciate the Support. :) And yes the walks are pretty great! I love the greenbelts in my neighborhood and the release I'm getting from the walking.


Monday, March 16, 2009

Full of hope and frustration

Today was one of those days. I started out strong. I forgot how it feels to get up and outside so early in the morning. i have forgotten what it feels like to be alone and not worry as much. This mornings walk, just plain made me feel good. i did do some wondering too...

1. When will my legs be used to just this 1 mile and not hurt.... i know When I'm more used to it.
2. I wonder if I could ever start running again. As much as I used to grumble and struggle with running in HS, really. i loved it. made me feel like I was flying. And the high I used to get when i reached a new level or finished in a new spot. Nothing beats it!
3. I wondered if my heat despising self will manage to get thru this during the summer. I don't think I could handle 6am alarm clocks again... I think I'll have to go back to work full time if that's what it takes. hhhmm.... will rethink that one if it becomes an issue.
4. I wondered if the people walking around me or sitting in their backyards were as fascinated by the loads of smallish pigeons (I think) just quietly sitting on the ground in this weird formation. i also wondered what they were up to... what goes on in their little brains?
5. I wondered if I walked up to Reems Rd if I'd be home in time for missy to be awake or if she'll blissfully still be sleeping when I get home. :) Alas, she woke up shortly after I got home. And before anyone wonders, my husband WAS home... he was just sleeping as he's a graveyard worker.

Today i had some frustrating things run thru my mind... for instance, is it wrong to stick your head out your door and scream at this kids across the street to shut up! And further more is it wrong to walk up to their homes and slap their mothers mid scream as their moms are too lazy to walk the distance to the greenbelt to give them the message and the kids are doing the same thing their mothers are... screaming instead of going home and having a real conversation. Can i fault the kids when that's what they have leading them for an example. I'm lazy but OMG I'm not that lazy... yet.
Also... while watching the news I had a blow to my head that just took me by surprise gripped my brain and wouldn't let go until i was full of anger. With the economy schools are losing funding, teachers are losing aids, classroom sizes are getting bigger and the list goes on and on. Our kids and teachers are the ones getting the short stick; the thing that set me off was listening to one of the college BB coaches talking to my favorite new station and talking about their all expense paid trip to some place or other. Now i usually stay out of sports, etc... and i admit I don't know how college sports are FULLY funded but HOLY CRAPOLA!! Why does a college BB team need a full ride to some game; especially when those same kids are probably some of the same ones who are screaming that their classes are getting cut and tuition being raised. All I gotta say is dammit I'm pissed & frustrated! Especially when i know good K-12 teachers & schools who are struggling and even losing subs and the solution for that one is to double up class sizes if a teacher is out. I don't know... sports (as much as I enjoy watching them) make me wonder what we're all coming too... And before I really get myself set off on a full blown idiotic tirade I'll go.

So there was my day. These were my highlights and my low-lights. My tirades and my euphoria. :) Tomorrow is always another day... the question is always the same, will i remember it enough to share? :)


Today's challenge

Yeah me! I woke up this morning had my 1st cup of coffee in front of the computer as usual. but gave my self a semi-firm 8:00am to get off ands tart stretching so that by 8:30 I could be out of here for my walk. Missy was still asleep, hubby was already asleep... why not. :) So before 9am I got my CC video in AND my 1mile. :) I am quite proud of myself. Although, I'm sad to report that although I stayed within my points range, i made bad choices for dinner. Oh well. At least I stayed within my points AND i said enough when enough really was enough. :) I'm going to work hard on getting up and going for my walk again tomorrow before little missy wakes up. :) Here's to waking up tomorrow :)


Sunday, March 15, 2009

Always a new beginning

First of all. Sunday's are my weigh in day! Despite my exercise relapse this last week and some high point days... I lost my 2lbs. WHOHOOO!! :)

Anyhow, I have figured out a couple of things since yesterday.
I figured out that i really need to be better about stretching and warming up before I leave for my walks. Especially when i have to push missy in the stroller. When I'm alone, I do great... no pain. When i have to push the stroller/take missy with me, my legs end up cramped up and the pain doesn't let up until I'm done. So I decided to do my 10min CC video before each walk. It's the perfect warm up and it'll help reinforce getting it done every day. :) The other thing I figured out is that I need to work on not letting life get in the way. It's an excuse. If i do better planning I can pre-empt those little snags. Weekdays are the hardest for me, especially now that I'm working 2 part time jobs from home. So, I need to revamp my weekday efforts to not get derailed. And I need to be sure I'm working out both sat & sun so that my 2 days off have more leeway during the week for those "excuse life days". I know I can do it. I've been waking up early for a reason... now I just need to refocus that reason to waking up and walking, not waking up and computer time. :) As much as I love my "me" time on the computer in the mornings... I need to refocus that time to "me" time working out. :) Anyhow... I hear little miss in there playing so i better go. Here's to a great end to the weekend!


Yesterday's Challenge

I had a good day yesterday. I got back on track mentally and had fun! I stayed within my WW points; spent some time with my mom, hubby & daughter while walking around an art fair. Came home and went for a mile walk. All in all a good day. :)

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Always playing catch up.

So how do you honestly let life get in the way of your goals? Well, I'm not sure the answer to that. but that's exactly what has happened this week. I feel good... a little disappointed in my self, but more in a positive, is that even possible? Ah well... here's a break down of what's been going on.

Thurs: worked all day with my boss and by the time I got home; i was so exhausted and had to scramble to get things done at home & finish my paperwork for my other job that I admit, by the time the kiddo finally went to bed (she wouldn't take a nap) all i wanted to do was finish up my "before i can sleep" chores and go to bed. Which boils down to, i didn't lift a darn finger to exercise. I did stay in my WWP and felt good.

Fri: Kinda the same, except I met a friend of my at the Zoo in the morning. :) I had a good time and made sure I did what i could to "exercise" if you can call walking, talking and showing the kids the exhibits exercise (that's my kind of exercise:). Since we live almost an hour away from the zoo this was an all day event. I got Missy to take her nap this day (which was a feat all in itself) and crashed! I was out for the count the rest of the day. I sorta stayed in my WWP today. If you can count using 15 points left the whole day and 15 flex points staying within my points. Oh well. it was worth it. :) Next time, we'll go to Lucky's for pizza where I can fill up on salad first and be sure we order a small pizza so that there aren't leftovers. :) If only I had the brain power to think of that last night. Oh well.

I can't figure out my exhaustion level this week unless it's because my cold is coming back, which has been showing signs of rearing it's ugly little head in my body. We'll see. I had a great time visiting with adults this week... my boss who's also a good friend and my old friend whom I went to the zoo. i miss her and living on opposite sides of the valley has really hampered our relationship... Which is another way life gets in the way. Maybe this time, we'll make more of a physical efforts to see each other instead of staying Internet friends. We'll see... i hope so. I miss her in more ways than one and going to the zoo with her only reinforced that feeling.

Today I plan on getting back on the exercise track. no matter how tired I am. I also am excited to see my mom today. It's been a few weeks and I miss my mommy :) I plan on staying wtih in my WWP and working on my ever growing to-do list. I've got a lot on my mind I'd love to say... but I better before my mom shows up with me still in my PJ's :) The only thing I'll say is the nice thing about always playing catch up is that I always have something to do :)


Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Today's challenge

Today was filled with work, work and more work. And this may be normal for most people... but lets face it I'm a stay at home mom with a part time job. I don't work much. :) But I let my paperwork get away from me this week and now I'm WAY far behind and have to get it in tomorrow night before bed. More work tomorrow. :(
Anyhow... I got in 1.28mi today and afterwards hunkered down for work. By the time missy & the hubby got up from naps and a good nights sleep (repspectively) we ate dinner; which was really yummy, but i ate too early. I'm freakin' starvin' and it's too late too eat anything else!!! As soon as we got done we headed out grocery shopping. I swear when I make a meal plan we spend WAY too much money. But we stayed on target and didn't buy any of the foods I wanted to buy. Bought only what we needed and kept it healthy (he's still hating this new, can't buy junk I'll eat rule). We just got home a little while a go and I'm so tired that i admit as soon as I log off I'm going to bed. I'm not doing the rest of my exercises. I stayed on my WWP today and I feel GREAT albeit exhausted; I think the funk has passed. WHOHOOO!!!
I can't wait to make dinner tomorrow... Greek salad (making a low fat version). i haven't had it in so long.... YUM. I can already taste it. OMG I'm so hungry. i better go to bed before I eat something!


This funk I'm in

I've been sitting here for days trying to ignore this funk and push through it, to not let it take me over and rule my days into Laziness. And last night, i realized I'm not going to be able to get rid of it until I figure out the why of it. Bliss may be ignorance but ignorance can lead to stupidity right? So here I am thinking thinking thinking and it hits me! Sunday's are my weigh in day and this Sunday the scale said I lost 3 lbs! 3 freakin' pounds! That's awesome! And not once did I ever tell myself good, great, I accomplished last weeks goal. Not once, why?

For a very long time now I've been recording my weight on a calendar in my bathroom. And over the last year I've almost become obsessed with weighing myself every day. And although i know everyday is silly, it's going to fluctuate day to day... i still do it. What's in my head regarding this obsession is a WHOLE other blog. The point is, I looked at the calender for this year so far and noticed, when I lose a few pounds... i gain them right back... and immediately!!! I mean within days. So I started thinking, what's behind this. And then, as they say as of late, I had an AHA moment. Am I afraid? Afraid of losing the weight? Afraid of becoming what i know I can be? Afraid of change? Afraid of rejection? There are so many places afraid of what could take me. But the fact is... as soon as I realized I lost 3 pounds last week, this funk came and rested it's little head in mine. And I'm having trouble shaking it. And Right now, i feel really sad. Really sad that Whatever is going on in my head... could totally sabotage my weight loss. Which of course I knew this has been and will go on. But after feeling so positive and so good for weeks now... For it to come settle in me like this... is really sad.

So what now! So now I am telling myself **ck yesterday or the day before! **CK this funk! Looking at that same calender (as this is where I log my daily exercise & my WWP) I saw that i also walked 5 days and did my bands and video 5 days. I saw that i stayed within my 24 WWP + used only 1/2 of my flex points & all of my AP points! I saw that, coming from a place where I did nothing and ate everything. THIS IS AMAZING! This in itself was something I haven't done in years. Not since before I met my hubby. So yeah me! And on another note, all this proves 1 thing... I need to finish the Dr. Phil book so I can better address my mental issues. :) So push push push. I WILL push thru this, I WILL push to lose weight! I WILL win this battle! :)

Hmm... I already feel better. :)


Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Today's Challenge

Didn't do too bad today. Even with the Starbucks I bought. By now I'm still in a funk, but I am happy to say that I pushed thru it today. I stayed within my WWP + used my AP I'd gotten already this week. All i can say is Dinner was super yummy, if only I'd stuck to the recipe. hahahahahaa!! Anyhow, I did walk 1.45mi this morning to Starbucks; I found if I follow all the sidewalks out of my neighborhood I can make the walk longer. Also, I did my bands and video. i even got everything accomplished before missy went to bed; she just about never lets me exercise without throwing a fit. It was really fun to watch her try to use my exercise bands while I was using 1 of them! And when i stopped she said "e'ercise mommy" and handed them back. Ah... the cuteness of a 2 year old. Anyhow... i am telling myself this funk will be gone tomorrow! It has to!


Push, push and more pushing

That has been what today has been all about so far. Pushing.
Pushing myself to get up
Pushing myself to work (Though I haven't gotten any paid time in yet)
Pushing to go for a walk... which for some reason, maybe mental, was painful (went 1.45mi though :)
Pushing to mop my disgusting floors (entire house is tiled)
Pushing to not blow it and eat nacho cheese dip and chips every time I put something in my mouth... So far I've succeeded. Need to tell the hubby to get that crap outa the house :)

yes, I'm obviously still in a funk. But i am determined to not let this stop me today... So push push push!

Monday, March 9, 2009

Today's Challenge

This will be short... I don't know what was wrong with me today. I must be ignoring my inner self because I should understand what happened today. Here's what i did.
Stayed on WWP, but made yucky choices... like corndogs & cookies. At least I stayed within my points, but I was starving!!!
Exercise wise... I did nada. Yeah, what's up with that? I am in blissful ignorance as to the why though... i think I'll just call it a day and wake up to a new day tomorrow and forget about today.

Personal Truths

Over the past year it's become very clear to me that I'm an addict. Not a drug or alcohol addict; but a food addict. Which is why I KNOW this time around I have to deal with the "inside" my head issues of my weight problem. The Why I eat, etc... And that is why i picked up the Dr Phil's ultimate weight solution book that has been sitting in my house forever now. I know I probably won't follow his diet suggestions because I am at the point of knowing I MUST be realistic in my dieting quest. I don't so much need to diet as change my lifetime eating habits and I just don't think on my families budget anything other than WW will honestly help me get there. Anyhow, in reading his book a little bit ever day I've realized I am right. i am an addict. i may not be an anorexic or a bulimic... but my god! I certainly have more than enough issues to deal with when it comes to food. The more I take a hard look inside my head, the more I realize, I have a serious problem! BUT really... i always knew this. Sad when you ignore yourself, but I have been for way too long. I'm really not learning anything i haven't already known way down deep inside me.

So what's different this time. That's what i keep asking myself because I need to keep reminding myself why and what I'm doing all this for. It's not easy changing. And although in a lot of ways, I LOVE change... i don't love changing my self, but who does. I digress. I know the answer to what's different this time. Just like drug/alcohol addicts have to... i must have hit rock bottom and not even realized it. I think in all things in life a person must hit there own personal rock bottom before change can ever occur no matter the subject matter. And I must have hit mine because it's really not been hard to attack the changes I've made. Although i struggle with the laziness I've ingrained in myself, it's not been hard to stay on track. Although i still struggle with going back to my old routines, it's not been hard to stop myself before eating, cooking or looking for food and count points, which makes me think. Which makes me slow down before I eat. it's not been hard to stop and say... is it worth it? And when it feels like it is... i go in eyes wide open. Really, it boils down to this time i feel in control. And I'm a control freak and I've been living my own personal truth in an out of control manner. This time is different, because I'm finally in control of my own personal truths.