Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Lemon Tuesday

I did great all day yesterday until the hubby woke up and smashed my happy bubble to smithereens. Why is it he is capable (and seemingly willing) to make me feel like shit at the drop of a hat AND NEVER FEEL SORRY FOR IT!!

I know... I'm complaining. He's a great guy. Most of the time. Yesterday, not so great. He really turned my day into lemons. And because I was feeling like shipola. We went out to eat instead of coming home and cooking the chicken I was marinating. I stuffed myself so silly that later I couldn't go for my walk because movement made me want to throw up. I even blurrped just from getting up off the couch once. EEEWWW!!!

So yeah, yesterday was a day full of happiness with an evening full of lemons and emotional eating at dinner. Today... I WILL BE SURE TODAY IS A BETTER DAY!!!


Tuesday, July 28, 2009

I wanna WIN!!

Ok. So just recently I've started commenting and blogging and HOPING I can be a winner in other bloggers giveaways. I never enter because I feel like since I don't do giveaways (mainly because I haven't even thought about what, how, $, etc...), it's not fair for me to enter. But lately, I'm changing my tune. SOPE!!

Go check out Jen @ priorfatgirl. She is doing a giveaway of the following cookbook. I've seen it on a couple of different blogs. It looks amazing. And since well, really, I've only EVER bought 2 (a vegetarian cookbook and hungry girl) cookbooks in my life and all my other cookbooks are hand me downs from family. I SO WANT THIS COOKBOOK!! So please go check out her giveaway... but feel free to not enter so my chances are better. hahahhaha! Just kidding. Please enter and you should check out her older posts too... She's a HUGE inspiration!!!
Lets make it an amazing day!!
P.S. Did I mention she's giving a way an apron with the cookbook too? So go check out Priorfatgirl

AWesome monday

It's funny how I feel like my outlook on life (since getting the news) has felt bubblier, more sunshiney. More like the real me. I'm tired, but I feel amazing. Like I can't wait to start the day. Normally, I grumble thru my morning until the kiddo gets up. And I feel tired enough to do so. But I'm not. :) I'm wide eyed and trying to be busy tailed. :) It's just a weird thought that hit me today.

Yesterday I ate awesomely!! I don't care if it's not a word. I did.

I've been tracking my calories (after I eat until after my PCP apt tomorrow) on facebook thru the mydiet app. I'm really happy with the app. It's just so much easier to use, well since I'm on facebook every chance I get anyhow. :) Yesterday I totalled at 1564 calories for the day. I felt like I was eating all day too. And that's all i was able to squeeze in. All healthy food too... ok except for that slice of pizza for a snack. But hey! At least I did well the rest of the day. I even made turkey meatballs for dinner. I'm REALLY loving ground turkey. I don't feel sick from the grease like I do after beef.

I did go walking for 30 minutes yesterday. Had some concerns with my heart rate. Takes nothing to get it up there does it? I was in the higher 170 range for most of the walk. I used to only get that high if I was running every 2 minutes. So holy crap! That's definitely something to talk to the PCP and OB about. I may get a heart rate (BP & rate) monitor I can wear on my wrist to be sure I'm in healthy zones at all times. Hopefully I can figure this out. I was good and done when I got home. 1 month of little exercise certainly took my stamina down. I even feel some twinges of soreness in my legs today.

Needless to say I WILL be walking tonight. No matter what. :) I love having my motivation back. I went walking yesterday even though I was so dog tired all I wanted to do was stay home. I even cooked dinner earlier so that was NOT an excuse to walk as it so many times is. YEAH ME!! I go see the PCP tomorrow afternoon. So things will either change or stay the same. :)

Here's to a great day and i hope you all have an amazing day too. :)


Monday, July 27, 2009

She is a riot!

Friday night i told my daughter (2 1/2) about the baby... things have been a riot whenever it comes up with us:

Me: Nevaeh, guess what... *took her hand and put it on my belly*
You're going to have a sister or brother. There's a baby in my tummy.
Her: NNNOOOO!!! *all the while she is giggling*
*As she fell back onto the bed* That's silly.

She's just too cute.

I tried again yesterday to talk to her about it. She paid attention that time, but she was intent on lifting my shirt and trying to "see" the baby... via my belly button.

Now every time it comes up... she wants to see and will even poke into my belly button to touch it. hahahahaha!! It makes me laugh so much I can't seem to convincingly tell her it's not going to work. hahahahaha!!!!!


I only have a minute so...

No big surprise here but I gained some weight this last week.

I'm up 2.4lbs.

And no it's definitely NOT from being preggers. It's more like my laziness ALL week and lack of exercise. And 3 days of eating out Fri-Sun surely did not help 1 bit. The bloating is killing me today. BUT oh well. What do you do right? I'm feeling good and I really need to start getting on my to-do list today as it is HUGE!!! Lots of oooppss I'm preggers things to do and take care of before I have to work later this week. :)

Have a great day ALL!! And thank you so much for all the congratulatory messages. You guys are awesome!!


Sunday, July 26, 2009

Surprise Surprise... lifes unexpected turns

So... as I told you, on Friday I bought and fit into a size 16 skirt! WHOHOO!!

The bad news (or in my case good news) is I won't be able to wear it very long. But by god I will wear it as long as I can, because I'm not ready to let go of that MAJOR NSV yet. So no returning of said skirt. :)

Friday afternoon I found out...

I'm pregnant!!!

Yeppers... If I'm right... I'm just a few weeks along. I'm SUPER excited! I want to shout it from the rooftops! Which is a HUGE change from earlier this year when i was scarred I was pregnant and totally had a mini freak out breakdown of oh shit I'm not ready for this. It was right when i started working on getting healthy and trying to lose weight. Yeah... I so don't feel that way this time that it's real. :)

I'm actually excited, This isn't planned, wasn't expected (is it ever?). BUT I must be ready. I have some concerns. I mean, I'm only 10lbs lighter than when i got pregnant with my daughter. hypertension and pre eclampsia plagued my first pregnancy and I'm not where I wanted to be weight wise to help "lower" my chances of complications. BUT considering 2 things: 1. being that with my daughter the ONLY weight I gained was her. When all that lovely swelling went down after she was born, i was at my pre-pregnancy weight with no effort on my part and 2. when i consider that all the "ideal weight models" say I'm obese and obese woman can actually NOT gain a pound during pregnancy and STILL have a healthy pregnancy. I have some Dr talking to do.

Part of me is afraid, Afraid of the set back in this part of my life's journey. Part of me is almost glad I am preggers NOW instead of after losing all this weight. I mean come on... the chance to lose it all just to gain it all... that would kinda suck. But at the same time... I'm afraid if my already lazy butt gets off the wagon even further than i am now... I'll never get back on. That lazy gene (or brain or whatever you wanna call it) has really been helping me get off track this last month... what will it do to me when i am 4 months preggers and just plain tired? Either way, I've got my work cut out for me.

Anyhow... So monday I'll be calling my PCP who's been working with me on my losing weight and all over health. I've already got my OB apt in Sept... which with the 1st one... they wanted to wait until the 3rd month to see me anyhow. So... I'm good on that for now. BUT I do want a Dr's professional opinion on how I should proceed with the road I've been on. With my health track record. Where do I go from here... I've still got blood pressure and cholesterol issues. I've still got weight issues, what do I do now? I know putting things on the back burner is what MOST woman would do, but with my health concerns... I'm not most woman. I want my baby to be safe, especially because of the hypertension. I'm not as stupid as I was with my daughter. Knowledge is power and this time... I've got the knowledge, now I need the power that the Dr can give me. :) I know I can still work out, I know how to eat... but do i count still? Where do i go. I just don't know. Especially since I read Obese people don't have to gain weight while preggers, but am I in that obese range. Everything says I am. Anyhow... seems like after 1 I shouldn't have many questions... but this time around I'm full of questions I never considered the first time around.

So... Here's what I DO KNOW!! Feels good to say that. :) 3 things and then I'm done :)

1. Jenn @ priorfatgirl & Annabel @ FeedmeI'mcranky, I'm sad to report... I've totally bombed on BOTH challenges. The weight loss challenge AND the water challenge. So this week I'll be buying $50 worth of groceries and donating them to the food bank since that is what i chose as my charity. I was going to give it a last ditch effort this week... but yeah... no. I can't do the kind of working out that i planned that would be required for said last ditch effort. But i guess I'm ok with that. :) Jenn, As for the water only and only 1 cup of coffee a day that I said I'd do... i bombed BIG TIME!! I've had more than my 1 cup of Joe at least every other day. I still only drank water other than said coffee. but it still equaled more coffee than i said I'd drink. :) BUT the good news is... as of Friday I'm forced to go back to decaf or no Joe at all... So, in a way... my body has totally won over of my brain. So I'll be on a 9 month challenge instead. In a way, I'm raising the bar of your challenge. :) Now to wean myself off so I don't go insane. :)

Anyone have any suggestions on that... I wasn't such a coffee fiend the first time around so it wasn't as hard... now I'm addicted. So what's the best way other than cold turkey. Any suggestions out there? I'm going grocery shopping later today... I'm not sure what to do.
2. I'm glad that this last 5 months I've learned to balance out my eating... in a relative, real life way. I'm glad that with the 1st pregnancy... I ate VERY well to insure my daughter's health. Now I feel armed with food power like NEVER before. I'm excited for the things I've learned to be carried over. As soon as I figure out what will be good for me calorie/point wise... I know what they say to do... but I'm not the normal preggers girl. I'm excited to start THAT changing part of my journey. I WILL NOT become a prego woman who eats for two. I will stay healthy in my eating. :) I've even been adding ground turkey to my diet. Holy cow!! :):):)
3. I'm even more motivated to work out now. I'm not sure about HOW far to take this since this last month I've really fallen off the wagon. But I will start walking again in the evenings, even if it's after dark until the weather cools down. I am going to go buy ankle weights later today and I will walk with both my ankle and wrist weights. At least until I can figure out what is good and bad for me in this department in regards to strength training and intensity levels. The point is I am more determined to MOVE than ever before. Tonight is the night I'll start walking and I'm going to do my Wii yoga every day. EA I'll probably have to create my own special workout to cut out some of the things I know I shouldn't do; I can do this on days I KNOW I can't go walking due to schedule conflicts. Etc... I'm sad to say i won't be training to run this fall. But... Next year I will. :)
Any of you out there who have been (or were) trying to lose weight, get preggers and still continue your journey? Any suggestions on where to go from here? Any tips or tricks to be safe, etc... I admit last time... I did NADA!! :)

Saturday, July 25, 2009

So... well...

I had planned on telling you all my "news" as mentioned this morning as soon as I got home this evening (I was thinking I'm be home about dinner time). BUT I'm too tired. It's almost 10pm. I just got home 20 minutes ago. I STILL haven't put anything away from today. Sope... you'll have to wait for tomorrow. But I promise to share 1st thing when i get up. :)


BIG news coming down the pipeline

But first I've got to go to the store and spend my Saturday running around town like a maniac full filling obligations. So in the mean time, I'll say:

I've eaten pretty decent this week.
Been a munching maniac... but have somehow managed to stay in my calorie zone... but WAY off my points. yep... trying to count both now. I think i like Mydiet on facebook for counting calories over points... seems like I can eat more when i could calories than when i count points... or it's all in my head. Either way... been good.

Exercise has been a SUCKY issue again this week. Just not motivated and just been too tired, too busy... all the usual excuses. Doesn't help that all i long for is a nice gorgeous walk outside and all i get is a swealtering natural weight loss machine that makes me want to faint instead of a walk. Oh well... gotta talk more on that later.

BUT yesterday I went shopping, thinking I'd buy shirts... tried on a jean skirt for my trip to seaworld in Sept. Get this...

IT'S A SIZE 16!!!! The best part. They aren't tight. If i lose an inch they will have to be belted.

Holy shipola I can't remember the last time I wore a 16. When i started this journey in February i was a 22 squeezing myself into 20's (if they buttoned). I guess when you wear goucho's for the most part and avoid things that button... AND sew your pants so that they fit.... you just don't realize how much you've changed. That is 4 sizes 5 months. Even if that full first 20lbs is being elusive due to my lack of wanting to work out... I must be doing something right.

Anyhow... I really HAVE to go. Come back ya hear because I've got some more BIG news coming and I can't wait to share it with you all and even... ask some advice from all of you.


Monday, July 20, 2009

a little on the wonky side

OMG!! Last week was one of those where you are uber busy that you just don't have time for anything and when you do... it takes all you can just to keep your self awake. Add insomnia into the mix 2 days last week and I was just too wonky. Work kept me busier than usual, sleep kept me exhausted... or that should read lack of sleep. Exercise was out the door... I only exercised 2 days, 1 hour total. Pitiful! I should have found more time, but I was having trouble just getting up and moving every day. And once I did... I was out the door. I wish i could say i was busy all week with things like play dates, shopping, and all around fun. But I wasn't. I even had to limit reading blogs!! EGHAD! I feel lost when i don't at least see how all my blogs I'm reading are doing... Oh well. Life moves on and here we are all the way into this week. :)

Food wise, I really can't say how well i did or didn't do. I was busy enough that a few days, I didn't even write everything down that i ate and by the time I thought about it... i couldn't remember 1/2 of it. I ate a few meals standing up in the kitchen, that's how busy I was... I don't feel I over did it... but my bowels have been off for a few days and I've been bloated for a few days.

When I went to bed I had planned on weighing in no matter what this morning... but at around 6am I woke up thirsty like a mad cow in the desert starring at a mirage... so i drank a bottle of water... yeah... I didn't weigh in 2 hours later when i got out of bed... So... I'll do it tomorrow. I just don't weigh in with anything in my system 3 hours before weigh in. And yes, I'm seeing the absurdity in that... But we all have our rituals. :):):):) I could have weighed in at 6am... but I admit... i was dead to the world and didn't even remember drinking the water until i picked up the empty water bottle when i got up at 8. I know it was full when I went to sleep and then the memory rushed back in on me... Ok, so repeat after me... EXCUSES!!! :) hehehehahaha!! Maybe it was a subconscious thing to help me avoid weight in... i don't' know... i just know, I was thirsty.

Onto better things... I've got a lazier week ahead, I'm looking forward to it... but as I stare at the calendar in front of me on the wall, I'm wondering where in my right mind I think it is a lazier week. Work will be lazier, but I've got plans tomorrow, Friday, a jam packed Sat AND I've got feelers out for play dates this week... I must be nuts. Oh well, enjoy it while i can right? The right to have fun!!

Friday I even get to go shopping, clothes shopping with my best friend. I'm not sure if I've lost enough weight to spend my money I've been savings for clothes, but it'll be fun to go check it out. :) And shopping with my BF and her daughter will be fun!! Did I tell you all that a few weeks ago I did try on a bridesmaid dress (for my brothers wedding) that when i put it on (size 18 which when i started this journey, 18 in anything was tight) I actually had to hold it tight in the back or have it fall down. Not just loose, but actually hold it on or bare it all to the world too loose. I was so excited! Which of course makes me excited to try on REAL clothes... But if i haven't dropped at least 2 sizes in pants (I can't tell in this department these days), I'm not buying anything... shirts, at least a size... because $200 only goes so far and lets face it... although some of my shirts are too baggy and I don't like them... I would rather wait until i drop sizes before buying than buy MORE of the size I have... I wish all brands were the same across the board size wise. oh well... it'll be fun! :) I'll make it fun!! :):):)

This week I'm working on getting my internal clock set back to some normalcy... even if it means drugging myself at 7pm for 10pm sleep. I'm setting the clock Add Imageevery day for 8am and working out by 9am. This am... I don't have to go any where so I'll workout when I'm done. :) Anyhow... this week will be about getting back into sleeping and working out in the AM, not the PM, because PM never works out.

I'll let you all know what my little friend, the scale, says tomorrow. :)


Monday, July 13, 2009

ok... i did it...

For too many stupid reasons (money mainly) I have been avoiding my yearly with the OB. Even though I LOVE my Dr, the staff, etc... I've just not been wanting to go. So today... I up and did it. Made the apt. YEAH! Thank goodness it's not until Sept. hehehehehe!!

Next up... to look for a new Dentist that also does pediatric dentistry and make an apt for ALL 3 of us to go. Been avoiding that one since my dad had his surgery and passed away last year.

Time to get on top of it!!!

What appointments are you avoiding?


All good things... come to those who PUSH for it... screw waiting!!

So Saturday i was a cleaning machine. I even did it all in good time. Didn't watch much TV, didn't do much of any sitting down, until I was ready for dinner (lunch I ate standing up), and I even pushed myself to exercise. I was so tired. My body already ached, and although the house cleaning counted as movement... I just knew I HAD to get it in so that I could dig myself outa this hole I created for myself these last few weeks. I only did 36 minutes, I did take it at a lighter pace, but I did it! Did I mention I mopped with my wrist weights on... holy cow my arms were hurting!!! Then... off to bed I went... and didn't sleep. I was up (damn insomnia) until around 4:30... hubby came home from work Sunday morning and damn his snoring woke me up after 3 1/2 hours of sleep.

So needless to say... SUNDAY SUCKED! I figured something out too... Why is it when I'm tired... i mean no sleep tired... Why am I a bottomless pit of hunger? When hubby gets no sleep... he doesn't even think about food. Me, all i can do is eat. I don't get it!!!! At one point... I tried so hard not to eat, to do anything but eat... and I gave in after 30 minutes. I guess it just proves, if I don't get any sleep. I'm a spineless weakling. Which I already knew. hahahaha!! I didn't exercise. I admit... It took everything in me just to stay awake and take care of missy. I didn't do anything but watch a movie, read and eat. And I can't wait to read some more. I'm lovin' this book I'm reading. :)

I did end the week with 5 workouts totaling 3.16hrs. I'm proud of myself. Considering I'd only been doing about 1-1.5hrs the last few weeks.

However, as much as I ate yesterday... I'm proud to report a 1.8 pound loss. Just happens to be the weight I put on last weekend... hhhmmmmm...... makes me wonder. I know I probably did some damage yesterday and I am just thankful I didn't see any results from it today on the scale. I do know that means I need to be diligent this week and work on my eating. Now that exercise is back on track. I need to get my eating reigned in and under some semblance of control. :)

My resolve is good. I feel like (despite yesterday) I'm finally in a good place. Finally where I feel I should be. I feel like I pulled myself out of the hole and I'm looking ahead and searching to avoid any more holes. I know there will be some more... it's part of the journey... but hopefully, next time i can pull my foot out before my whole body jumps in after it. :)

So my plan today is to get rid of this pounding headache (& pray it doesn't turn into a migraine), work. exercise, & maybe some vacuuming of this dirty tile (it's filthy after 1 day, we'll see:). Also... I'm excited to get back on my vegi and fruits eating plan. Salad here I come today. I miss you my sweet leafy friend.


Saturday, July 11, 2009

holey moley bat man...or whatever he says.

Yesterday eating wise was probably a little crappier than I would have wanted. Ok not probably, it was. I had a very light breakfast as i wasn't hungry. just some watermelon. Lunch was a HUGE salad... hhhmmmm.... yummy vegi's. Then hubby woke up, as usual on his day off... I let him talk me into fast food. It's not like he has to try very hard. He wanted churchs chicken... which I adore. I LOVE IT!! But I asked him if we could do KFC so that i could get grilled chicken. let me tell ya... it's a load of crap. Tasted good... but can't they just PLEASE take the skin off and how about de-boning it for me. eeeewwww. If I take those out of the picture it tasted really good. :) LOL I just hate gristle and skin. So when you add 1 breast, 1 drumstick, coleslaw and fries to the mix... oh and 2 biscuits.... It was a crappy dinner. Oh yeah... and that planned root beer float. DAMN!! I shoulda just not even talked about food. hahahahahhaa!! it's always easier to act like it didn't happen.

I did figure on the left over grilled chicken will be good (skin, bone and as much gristle as possible removed) for wraps and salads. Hubby took ALL the rest of the leftovers to work for dinner... so no tempting coleslaw in the house for me. YEAH!

I'm not beating myself up about it. I'm ok.

I did exercise yesterday. I did 48 minutes on the Wii EA active. I used my new wrist weights and let me just tell you! What a difference they make. My arms are achey today. I finally had to take them off when i was doing my cool down because I was done, they hurt by the end. What a difference it made. I even pushed thru and burned 32 more calorie than it projected. YEAH ME!!

Today I don't think I'll have trouble food wise as I plan on cleaning the whole rest of the day. I always eat just fine then. I did make some waffles this morning. It's my own made up recipe... whole wheat Apple oatmeal waffles. Now I just need to get on spark people and figure out what those puppies cost me in calories/points. Whatever it was... I'm ok with it. I at least know what went in them. All healthy and not even a serving of syrup, just a Tbs. Today I plan on re-arranging my living room, cleaning the whole house, checking out the vents in the rooms that are coldest, changing the air vent, making an egg casserole for next week, maybe some breakfast cookies or muffins... we'll see. I also plan on exercising again today. I can't wait really. That's change from all week. Either way, I KNOW I will make today a great day! I also know it won't be too hard as hubby is working ALL day today. :) LOL

So much easier to be good when he's not around and I'm busy. If only I could plan those 2 events every day. I'm such a weakling when he's around. But he makes it ok for me to be. I need to make it NOT ok for me. Oh... just another thing to work on. :)


PS... I'm feeling good today. Not depressed. :) Maybe chicken did the body good. hahahaha!! yeah right. :)

Friday, July 10, 2009

Yesterday WAS a challenge that i lost

I decided when i woke up yesterday that I'd have it be my day off. Working out 7 days a week is bad... ok... could be good while i try and get back into wanting to do it instead of grumbling and wearing I won't do it... but they say it's bad. And since I had to drive out to timbuck2 for work, I stopped for a short visit with a friend of mine out there, then spent the rest of the day shopping... i decided trying to stress over fitting in a 4th day in a row workout... was better left for another day.

I feel like I did ok all day. Packed snacks and lunches the whole works... and then... I don't know.

Some mind altering ego maniac took over my body AND my brain. It was fat girl, back with FULL FORCE punch me in the stomach, knock me out kind of possession. I could swear all I want that I wasn't me. And then 1 container of donut holes later... I was sick. I seriously felt possessed and sick to my stomach. I don't think I've ever felt like that... the things going thru my head... things like if I don't eat them now... i never will again... where the hell did that come from? i don't deprive myself of anything; it's a rule I have... moderation. But i don't keep containers full of things like cookies, donuts, cakes, etc.. Because I know in just a few short days... I'll have eaten them all. So I buy 1 of what I want. 1 cookie, 1 donut, 1 piece of cake. no matter the cost. For instance, I've been craving root beer floats so i PLANNED ahead to have them today...

So what the F**K happened. I always Say no... no matter how bad I want them... i say no. No to a plethora of them. But not no to a single serving. I have my limits... at least I usually do. If I'm just super dying for something like that... I go buy 1... 1. Not a whole container of them. Why oh why oh why. I can tell ya... I certainly gave myself just an inkling of what binging and purging is like. What people go thru who suffer from it. OMG! I'm just horrified today... and yeah... scarred. so freaking afraid.

I've gotta kick this depression. It's seriously starting to freak me out.

I ended up in tears, puking from disgust and just down right so disgusted with myself... I'm just full of fear.

So... All I can think of today is BOY was yesterday a day off. Wasn't what I had in mind. Wasn't what i want.

The GOOD thing I did do yesterday (before said above happened) is go buy wrist weights. Ankle weights will come in a few weeks when i can spend the money. I love my Wii EA Active, but as much as I used to love my resistance bands, using them with the remotes in hands... makes them rub against skin... and I don't like it. I've tried using weights in my hands with the remotes... too hard. So yesterday I bought 2/2lb wrist weights to use with my EA (and maybe even for an hour during my day as accessories, when I'm cleaning house, etc...) so that i can get a good strength workout without having the remotes be an issue, etc... So I'm excited to use them today during my 1 hour workout session I have planned. When I'm going to do it... is still to be decided.


Thursday, July 9, 2009

getting back to normal

I feel like I'm getting back to normal... and then i ask myself, what is normal?

I don't know that answer these last few days, because normal has been feeling wrong for a while now. BUT I am getting back on track, and being on track... that needs to be part of my normal. Despite the rest of my life... if I'm on track; eating healthy and exercising regularly... I need to remember THAT is normal, part of my new normal. Whatever that may be.

I worked hard yesterday at fighting the munchies and eating healthy. Some what healthy at least. I really need to get vegi's back into my diet. Desperatly back into it. I can thank my lucky stars for work as I wasn't home enough to munch. I did pack snacks, and didn't eat them. I just wasn't hungry. Probably the beautiful Az heat. Anyhow..

Yesterday I stayed within my points and I worked out for 30 minutes that I didn't want to do. But I did do it. Today, I will again set myself up for success when it comes to food and I will stay within points. I will exercise and get in at least my EA active in, even if I think it'll kill me.

Today i will just be glad I'm alive to still be trying and I'll focus. Focus is key. Lose focus and all hell breaks lose. All that on my plate and all i can think of is why hasn't this feeling of wanting to curl up cry today gone away? Boy do i have my work cut out for me today. :) LOL I'll do it. I know I will.


Tuesday, July 7, 2009

OH, WELL.... UUUUMMMM............

So I'm still here.

I'm still alive.

I'm struggling.

Some things have happened this past weekend and because of it I'm struggling with a bout of depression. I'm struggling with have I made a major mistake in my life. And I'm afraid I have... and I'm afraid of the consequences if I have... Worse yet... I'm having trouble shaking this bout because of the issue that caused it... I'd talk about it... but... I don't need a headache from crying. Anyhow...

To make the depression worse...

I've been struggling with making smart food choices, struggling NOT to eat every chance I get and I'm struggling... just plain struggling. This makes me feel even worse. I'm trying to take it easy on myself... but it's just hard. The weekend was 1/2 good 1/2 bad and the bad was bad enough to pack on 1.8lbs. Because lets face it... on Fri... I was flying high with a 1lb loss... Sat & Sun I stayed off the scale (and shit hit the fan) and then Monday... showed that 1.8lbs. And I admit... i deserved it; full heatedly deserved it. What sucks is, it was 1 day worth of eating that did that. Makes me sick, which makes me feel worse.

I have been trying VERY hard yesterday and today to exercise no matter what. Yesterday I got in an hour and today... forced myself to do 22min of it; it's all I could get myself to do. Yesterday i ate FANTASTIC... today has been horrible. I am just wishing I could curl up and just forget it all... yeah... So...

I'm working hard every minute to stay in the game. So... here's what I'm thankful for today... because I need something to remind myself... It's not all bad.

1. That tomorrow WILL BE Another day.
2. That I've got an amazing little girl who knows how to make me smile. Especially when i feel like I can't.
3. I'm alive and kicking (well... alive anyhow. :):))
4. That I'm strong, beautiful inside and out and deserve every bit of happiness that I am feeling like I don't. But I KNOW I do.
5. I know I will get thru this... I always do.


Thursday, July 2, 2009

It's been a great couple of days :)

Last night I did get my workout in. I slept like a baby. Well, until my own little baby starting coughing. Slipped her some meds to stop it... passed back out... and 3 hours later... She was up again with another coughing fit... and then again... @ 6am. Geezus! I finally just woke up. Kept her in bed until her regular time... but what did I do with my time... not nap... not work out. I played on facebook sending notes to all my friends from HS and even some family. :) aaaaahhhhh.... it was a nice way to spend a quiet morning. I was 1/2 asleep the whole time... but, coffee tasted like heaven today. My own little sip of heaven. When 9 rolled around, i was finally awake. Ready to start the day.

I didn't get any exercise in. Decided today would be my day off... from counting points and from exercise. My mom generously took my sick baby girl off my hands for the night so that i could have a mommy day off. I made plans with my best friend (no kiddo's allowed) and met her for some bridesmaid dress window shopping (for my brothers wedding next year) and dinner. I didn't want the stress of worrying over WHERE to eat. She is amazingly supportive, would have gone where ever I "could" go that will keep me on track for my health kick (not so much a kick these last few weeks but still). I told her nope... I'm taking the day off. We went to Olive Garden.... i miss yummy white pasta. hehehehehe!!! I did order something I know has "less" on the plate (there are some benefits to having worked there once upon a time). Probably not the most calorie friendly plate... but I didn't stuff my self silly, that's important. I got the Zuppa toscano, because lets face it... I LOVE LOVE LOVE that soup. It is so yummy. I just have to have it when i go there. And I ordered the Ravioli de portabello. hhhhmmmm.... I can taste it.

We talked a lot, so dinner was spread out over a long while. I have no idea how long... but we didn't leave until 8:45. I miss her, it was nice to talk without worrying about kids and extra ears.

I introduced her to Operation beautiful. I hope I can pass it along to her and her daughter. We'll see. I just may have to leave a note in their bathroom next time I'm there. :)

Anyhow... Tomorrow is my 1hr workout day. And with the kiddo gone... i really have no excuses... but I do plan on sleeping in. So we'll see how late I end up getting up in the morning.... in the past... just as early as usual. But I'm beat.

You all have a FANTASTIC FRIDAY!!!!


Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Just been a all around... week. :)

I don't have much to say these last few days except can some one please make my kid better. Terrible 2's AND illness just don't mix. Needless to say... I'm going loco. What do you do right? Pray my mom comes thru and takes her for a sleepover. :) I'm sure she will. But will it be soon enough for my sanity.

Eating has been great these last few days. The only stumbling block has been that yesterday I wanted to eat and never stop. I'm happy to report, I didn't. I did however have a before bedtime treat (toast)... and I even saved points for it... so yeah me. Today I've again got points left over for a snack this evening... will I? hhmmm... we'll see. I'm ok right now.

Exercise has been consistent... in the sense that I've been doing it. Today though I haven't yet. I was going to earlier and instead gave into the temptation of Star wars on the Wii. I've been dying to try it (I'm not much a video game gal) without the hubby around so i can learn without him watching me be stupidly frustrated. I don't think I did too shabby. I learned alot. :) WHOHOO!! But 3 hours later... i still hadn't exercised. Double ouch. :) Oh well... I'm getting ready to go now to get my EA active in for the day and then I admit... I'm off to bed. Lets hope I make it thru the workout because I am bone tired. :)