Challenges.....

Ok, I used to do my posts by the daily challenge. Because that is exactly what every day was (and still is)... a challenge.

This is my life. This is something I'm trying to change; my life. I'm trying to change my forever, BUT.... I've become focused on my weight and gotten away from focusing on changing my life. Focused on weight wasn't my goal, but it's become a goal. Which is OK. But I don't want this journey of weight loss to become a lose it then learn cycle. I need to figure out HOW to lose weight AND live my life. I need to figure out, how to have the fun things like ice cream, and eating out, etc... and still live! I need to learn balance so that for now... i lose weight, but so that when that magic # appears on the scale I can go OH WOW! I've lost 75lbs. So I can go... OOOWWW! My life doesn't have to change. I can still eat do all I've been doing, but add some calories. Like CHEESE to keep me in maintain mode; or the turkey with favoring added, or the REAL store bought hummus, instead of home made, or to be able to just add extra turkey, or the full serving of mayo, or... you get the picture. At that magic # maybe I'll eat the same, but workout a little less. Maybe every other day, not every day. maybe... just maybe... My life won't be a... OH CRAP! NOW HOW DO I KEEP IT THIS WAY. Because everything I've been doing will have already been something I'm used to.

The point is... What's been floating around in my head is that this whole process is starting to make me feel out of sorts, starting to make me feel like I can't do this. I'm starting to feel weak, not strong. Starting to feel like But why can they and not me syndrome. HUH? For example why is it other people can eat out and I can't. I KNOW!! STUPID! I can, i just can't do it every day. I need a plan. I need a goal. It's great that I've lost every week with only 1 week that showed a gain. But I'm starting to feel deprived and it's starting to get me into out of control mode. I've kept it in track... but here's the truth. I don't know how I lost 2.5lbs last week. I did exercise more... sort of. When i worked out, i worked out harder. But I had 3 days of out of control eating. i even ate crappy enough on Sun night... That I was so sick. I puked. And in reality... it wasn't that much. It was 1/2 a sleeve of Ritz, 1 little debbie apple pie and 2 tablespoons of home made hummus (yummy). it was all tasting good... but so unhealthy... after an hour... I felt so sick i was in tears and ended up creating a binge and egad... purge moment. This is where I'm headed. I don't know how I got to where I feel deprived, because really... I don't deprive myself. I have a piece of candy if I feel that i really really want it. i have fast food when I am the reason we're having it. But some where in me... I'm feeling weak and out of control. I'm feeling like, yes, ok i do this... just until. Just until, means ok, you can have that but you have to work out extra hard... or the rest of the week you have to be really good. or just don't eat the rest of the day... or.....And just until will land me back in fat world... and I don't want to die because of my fatness.

Anyhow... so... I'm going back to challenges, I'm going back to the beginning in a way. I'm going back to my weight is just an indication that i'm on the right path, not the goal. I'm going to set up a lifetime of challenges and goals, I'm going to do this; because failure at this; at my life... is un-thinkable.

Always,
Jules