Back on the wagon again

Ok, so this last couple of weeks I've been doing a lot of soul searching.

I've come to realize:
(not like i didn't already know, I just faced the music)

I'm using my pregnancy as an excuse to revert back to the old me ways. The old me who was just perfectly happy to hide behind my fatness and be lazy. The old me who was willing to lie to herself. The old me who just didn't want to get up and do the work. And this just CAN NOT be ok!! Why am I doing this to myself? Because it's easier than all the hard work. it's easier than trying to figure out how to deal with money and buying healthy food. It's just easier to hide.

To be honest, last week I had an internal meltdown of catastrophic personal proportions. i ate and ate and ate my way through my feelings. I didn't say no and I didn't care... I just wanted to not feel so helpless, really to feel in control since I wasn't in control of how I was feeling.

So what happened?
A few things.
1. It was time to buy some new things due to my ever increasing body size (yes I know it's common in pregnancy).
2. Shopping for a bridesmaid dress for my brothers wedding.

Pass this part over if you don't want to read about personal girly issues:)

Let me just say that instance #1 really was a freak out for me. NEVER in my life have I been a DD girl and guess what.... Holy crap! I am now!! That was very depressing for me... D was already too big and already really difficult for me to handle, not too mention that before getting pregnant (even my last pregnancy) I've always had a lopsided boob issue to deal with that made buying bras REALLY difficult and all of a sudden, I don't have that issue either, they are BOTH DD. I wanted to curl up and die. I felt even bigger and fatter than I already feel. And let me just say that being Bigger to begin with AND having to buy new clothes in an even bigger size REALLY sucks even more. It's not easy to buy things and go oh it's ok, you're just pregnant. It sucks. I hate my view in pics even more than I did before. I don't see the pregnant girl when i look at pics, I see a HUGE elephant. I know the reality, but it's not what i see. I'd have to say the ONLY nice part about being preggers is not being as worried as I used to be about how tight something fits across my belly. Cause, well, it's the 1 time in my life I can flaunt it. Does that sound as gross to you as it does to me?

Now, some flip sides to #1 (cause I'm in a better mood to see the brighter side). I haven't had to buy many newer clothes. Although I'd been getting rid of things as they got too big the beginning of last year... i also haven't really "grown" out of much of anything in my closet... that can be a double edged sword, but for today... it's a bright side. I'm not wearing bigger clothes than I ever have in my life. AND my pregger clothes from my last pregnancy are TOO BIG!! I have acquired a few new pieces for special occasions like Christmas, clothes that would not be baggy and would show my preggers belly off. So... despite the DD's entering my life, I must be doing something right? right?

This parts not so girly... you can read. hehehe!!

Issue #2. Money is, as always, tight. Revelations over a month ago while searching for a bridesmaid dress revealed that being pregnant and bigger to begin with was going to equal a dress that would far exceed what I can afford and really, in tailoring a whole new dress. So, my soon to be sis in law agreed that if we can make a dress from scratch, she is perfectly ok with that. :) YEAH!! And then we went dress pattern shopping. With my current measurements, I'm too big for pregnancy patterns, Plus size patterns are WAY ugly and NOT appropriate for being a bridesmaid dress, and basically, nothing we can buy in the store will work. I became defeated that day and even that evening when i shopped on-line for patterns. I don't want to look like I'm wearing a Moo-Moo at the wedding, but i don't want to all my cottage cheese showing either. It was ugly. Did I mention both instances, 1 & 2 were pretty much the same day? Needless to say, it took me DAYS to get my arse out of depression mode. My mom and I did find a pattern that will "work" i'm still not totally thrilled though. I'm having a hard time seeing that I will in fact not look like the blueberry girl after she's become a blueberry (although the dress will be black) in the movie Willy wonka for my brothers wedding. I'm still having a hard time seeing myself as anything other than WAY TOO LARGE!! And I don't feel like it's "just pregnancy" because lets face it, today... Jan 2, 2010, I weigh exactly what i weighed Jan 1st 2009. The difference is my boobs and the direction my belly sticks out. I know, I know, don't be hard on myself. Anyhow, the dress issue... We're going to make the dress, no matter what happens, I'm going to need SOMETHING to wear to the wedding. My mom has agreed if it comes right down to it and I just can't bring myself to be in the wedding, she won't be mad at me for having made the dress... I still have to wear the dress though. hahahahaa!! (she didn't really say that, I did) And that i'm ok with. It's different wearing it and feeling that way while attending and wearing it, feeling that way AND being in the wedding.

Anyhow...The point is. I'm working on getting BACK on the wagon.
I'm working on taking 1 day at a time again. 1 impulse eating at a time... 1 snack attack needless eating at a time, 1 minute at a time. This is what got me through in the first place.

My first step I'm taking is journaling
Since, 12/29/09 i have kept a written journal of just what i put in my mouth and how much. Talk about CARB LOADED!! I'm also using MyDiet on facebook again. Since I'm on there so often anyways... It's worth using it to track my calories, even if I'm not focusing on WHAT the # should or shouldn't be. I track the day after I eat it so that I don't freak and take a chance on hurting my growing little man with my own ideas of "OMG!! Too much, OMG!! Too little!!" But over the next 3 months it'll help me get back in the game. That's what I need to do. Get back in the game!! It's helping me "see" just how much of what I'm eating. And THAT i do need.
So far my calories have stacked up as such:
12/29- 3714 (had WAY too many "treats")
12/30- 2269
12/31- 2032 (I beat my before bed snack attack of I WANT MORE of everything and anything!!)
1/1- 2038

I'm not hungry and I haven't been depriving myself. BELIEVE ME, I have not been. Hence the too many carbs. :) LOL

The other thing I'm working on doing is working out every day for at least 10 minutes. I've realized the last 2 days that if I don't do it as soon as I get up and outa the bedroom... I won't find the motivation to do it. So I MUST get up and get right too it. Doesn't matter, just have to. I admit... haven't started on this yet as of today. :( Today is when i realized that i must do it immediately or I won't do it. So tomorrow... day 1 on that regime. I don't plan on pushing myself... just moving and just trying to get back into routine. if I can get back into a routine before this kiddo is born and stay on a light Dr approved routine those first few weeks when I'll be restricted after he's born... I'll be ready to shine and get back to the harder work.

I just have to... i don't like the way I've been feeling and resorting back to fat girl me ways. IT'S unacceptable!!

So... Happy new year! I vow to do whatever it takes to keep you all updated daily (or at least every other day :) and to keep myself accountable. but i admit... i'm gonna need the support and kick in the arse along the way. I'm hoping to again catch up on blogs here in the next few days and get back to supporting you all too.

Always,
Jules

PS!! As usual, thank you for listening. :)