I must admit I've been bottling a lot up lately and feeling really down on myself for it too. When I think back to when i first started this blog, well I realize I'm in the same place except for 1 detail... no drive, no ambition. So really I'm back to that place I was in BEFORE i started this blog. And that makes me so (wish i could say mad) sad. Hence why I've not been on since August hard to admit things even to myself these days. Of course I have a ton of excuses and some of them valid. BUT there is just no excuse for putting me last and keeping everything to myself when i KNOW doing so will just make me feel horrible about myself.
All I can say is that I need to take that crucial step forward the one that takes you from being stagnant to finally doing something about your situation. Logically i know I know how, I just have to read through this blog to see that. But illogically I feel like I don't know where to start. I feel like someone drowning trying desperately to swim with no idea just HOW to do so.
I'm stuck and in a place of fear. So much so that I even found myself telling me that if I lost weight I'm going to have all this loose extra skin which will continue to make me look fat and if my hubby can't even see the point of a boob job no way in hell will he let me get excess skin removed so I'd be better off fat (not that we have the money that is besides the point). WTH!! I sat down and cried because for me... that was a new low. No matter what I've never consciously thought I'd be better off fat. A new low for sure.
Deep down I know I need to pull up my big girl panties and just start working every day towards being healthier. And I have been trying with food when it comes to meals, but I've noticed way too much food gone by the end of the day and no way can I blame it on the kids. Sometimes I don't even "consciously" remember eating what's gone either. I've back slided so far that i don't even know where I fell off at.
So this morning i decided I need to steal time away to blog again or journal in an old fashioned book... whatever I can get my fingers on that day. Just so that i can get my head wrapped around what i need to be doing and not doing what I've been doing. I need to food journal as well and I need to start exercising and since I keep using the kids as an excuse not too... I need to do things I can do with them that we'll all enjoy.
I know all of this will help some of the issues I've been having like for example, exhaustion.
So, there you go. That gives you a little idea of where I've been for a while now. I know there's more to tell you all... but to be honest this has already taken an hour to get out there. So for now tata. :)
Always,
Jules
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a) glad you are back...missed your posts!
ReplyDeleteb) I think I can probably speak for most everyone when I say we've all been there before! It's so overwhelming and not knowing where to turn or start just makes it that much harder. I can only imagine having 2 kids makes it even that much harder! Just start breathing again and take it day by day. Yay you're back! :)