Blow me away, please just blow me away

I told you a lot has been on my mind today... so here goes.

1. I don't know what the heck is going on with me. I'm just so tired. I'm trying to beat it but it seems to just kick my butt to the curb and laugh in my face. My insomnia seems to be creeping back into my night life and that is not making things any better. I just want to feel good again. Praying it's my PMS... but only time will tell.

2. I'm still getting that icky feeling when i eat meat, i think my problem is back and I'm not looking forward to learning to live with it again. i might have to go to the Dr this time and get it medically figured out. But I don't want to look like the crazy woman yet again... so we'll see. Part of my get healthy kick is to stop putting things off, so i I can't ignore it either. So be proactive right? I'm going to track my tummy feelings after every meal on my WW food journal and if a pattern DOES emerge... it's back to the Dr for me. :( blah!!!

OH and did I tell you I found out that your stomache CAN shrink without surgery. :) So maybe it's just all just a yeah me thing for eating smaller portions and now it's time for even smaller. :)

3. A pattern has emerged into my life this last few weeks... I can feel my muscles. I can almost imagine them growing and sparking and coming alive! Every day, not a minute goes by when I don't feel them. Not pain, not tightness, I don't know I can't explain it. But it feels DARN good to have them tell me, HEY I'm down here. It lifts me up even! For a long time now, all I've ever felt was pain. My hubby doesn't get that fat hurts. So when he pinches me, smacks me on the rear or tickles me too hard... it hurts. He doesn't get it. So the twinges or coming alive of muscles that I'm experiencing means my body is changing! It means I'm doing good work and need to keep going. It means I'm changing. :)

4. Hubby came to me today. He's upset he's not seeing more results from his.... ummm... lets call them stretches and crunches. He asked me what I think he should do. I had to admit to him, I don't care. I'm all about me these days. I've been taking care of him for 6 years trying to get him to take care of himself and I just can't do it anymore. Don't get me wrong, I love him and of course I care. But I can't focus on him; not even a little. I did tell him I think he doesn't eat enough and maybe that is why he's not achieving the results he's looking for & that I don't think he's doing enough in the exercise department. But that's a tomaetoe/tomato issue. He eats dinner with me (and I'm on WW, so I cook him what i eat most of the time) and a breakfast. The rest is usually munchies.... If that's enough for him to see results, which at first it was; I'll sit down and die. Anyhow... I got off track. What should he do? hhhmmmm.... We got our tax return and are being REALLY good at not spending it, yet. We're trying to make good informed decisions and have something to show for it in the end. So I suggested maybe we see about getting a trainer. Just for a short while, get us on a routine we can each do and teach us what we are and aren't doing right. He wasn't too sure, so I'll be researching it. I've been thinking how I'd really love it if there was someone I could just talk to, see what i can do, etc... and knew I couldn't spend the money on a trainer. We have a roof to keep over our heads and we're struggling as it is. So, maybe this is my way in. We'll see. I need to find someone we both like and can afford. Is there such a person?

5. I've spent the last few days doing a lot of beating myself up. Not for slip-ups. I really haven't had any. I'm staying on point despite my fatigue and when I got the nerve to munch, I told myself no. But I'm not doing all I could be for exercise. I've barely touched on my goals for this week due to my energy levels. This mornings walk, I said I was proud of myself when i got home. That's because I was done with it. I set out on my walk and all I could think of was how much I DIDN'T want to be doing it. It was like that yesterday too. So much so, that I was seriously almost talking myself out of finishing it. My playlist was not pushing me like usual, I've got some great upbeat hit 'em hard, make me unconsciously dance tunes on there and they, just couldn't drive me. Until finally when i hit the playground on my route and asked myself what the he** are you doing? You can do this. You've been doing this. Do you WANT to stay this way? I just kept repeating to myself I WILL run, I WILL run, because by that time i had almost talked myself completely out of it. I did run. i did well, wasn't as winded as the other day. I worked more on my technique than speed, etc... I got home and I did feel good, but it's hard fighting yourself. I can fight anyone and know I will probably win. But fighting myself to keep moving and do what needs to be done when I'm just plain tired is hard.

To wrap this all up, I know this whole things sounds so negative, but the truth is here:
I DID IT! I have yet to return to old eating patterns these last few days just because I'm tired. I have not given up. I'm just struggling. I'm not giving up no matter how i feel so even if beating myself into submission means being tired, then da*n it I will! Too bad missy won't let hubby put her down at night or I could just go to bed instead of struggling when my day is done. BUT beating me and my issues is what this is all about right? so no matter what the day brings and no matter how negative this blog sounds, it's all true and in the negativity lies the truth. I'm beating me. And I'm thinking I should have named this blog finding my way back to me because at the end of the day, I'm proud of myself and I haven't felt that way in a really really really long time.

I hope all of you are NOT struggling as bad as I am and if you are, take heart, hunker down and fight your way out of it, we ALL deserve to win the battles we rage against ourselves. We're our worst critics, but also our biggest supporters. In the mean time I'm glad you guys are here to help encourage me and to read my thoughts. Just having this outlet to put it all down and be accountable to is helping immensely to let go of a lot of mental crap and work through my inner shipola.

Always,
Jules