Control... having it and losing it

Today while on my walk all I could think about was control... Having it and Losing it.

My addictions:
Food - thought I had control
Internet/computer - need to get control
Television - need to get control

Ok... So the point of these and why they were on my mind.

Food:
I've been addicted to eating for a long time, i don't just eat to fill a physical hunger. I also eat to fill an emotional hunger. For the last month I've been working tremendously hard to gain control of the emotional hungers. I'm learning to not just work around them but solve them so they don't keep roaring their little heads and I can once and for all be done with them. I need to get to an understanding within myself of the WHY's and I think I've done a pretty good job. I've even cut out finishing my daughters food (and MY own) when there is food left on the plate. Even if it means money down the drain dang it, no matter how hard times are I will not continue to eat beyond what i need and since this changes meal to meal if it's not something that can be saved, I'll throw it away. I know, what a crime. but I've been committing a crime against myself for too long now. One of the other behaviors I've eradicated is tasting food throughout the cooking process this I dropped cold turkey and have done very well with....
Until...
Last night! Holy cow! Today is one of my dearest friends BD and we're getting together for a mommy play date, I mean playgroup for the kids of course. 1 of the friends in this group is famous for bringing the gooiest most fattening thing she can find and she knows just what to say to get us all to help her eat it! A month ago I told her she can't do that any more because I'm such a weakling and I want to be strong. Can't fight her & myself. She said ok... But to further combat this... I offered to bring the celebratory dessert. On monday I had it in my head I'd do something really low fat and try one of the millions of recipes I've been dying to bake. But lets face it... i let time get away from me and since i had 3 boxes (yes 3) of cake mix the freezer & 2 containers of frosting in the cupboard just dying to go bad. I decided to make a spice cake into mini muffins & this way, i can portion control the fattiness. Lets just say, last night turned into a VERY bad idea and the realization I'm NOT ready for home made baking no matter the content. I probably ate 12pts worth of batter while spooning into the muffin cups AND enjoyed 2 mini muffins when they were done (without frosting really doesn't matter either; yes I rationalized like that last night). So... after feeling REALLY bad and wanting to cry at my blatant mind off slippage, I packaged each and every one of them up and am armed so that the girls will take them all home and I will not. I did make a small batch for hubby & daugter. But I have no fears of eating it because I'm just disgusted with my lack of control last night. I still want to cry. But no more! For Easter I was dying to bake for my relatives, no more. I'm bringing a healthy WW friendly dish... and maybe 2. They may be all I can eat all day. :) yes, I am still learning and this too shall pass. :)

Internet... Ok this one is easy and fast, lets just say that I am addicted to blogger, I'm addicted to Facebook & myspace and spend hours between the 3 doing absolutely nothing when i should be doing a whole lotta other stuff. So... This one i need to cut my time down and stick to it... Sitting here all day when missy will not throw a fit isn't helping me lose weight, even if I am not eating here any more. but what's a reasonable time? hhhmmmmm.....

TV- I've known for a while now that i watch too much TV. So does my dear little girl! Although I must admit I love the "hhhmmm... lets see" & the "I have idea", along with a few other phrases that she's picked up and are just adorable. :) Anyhow... I DVR just about everything the darn thing will allow me too and I have been trying to not just sit and watch, but an image of my daughter asking me to come out and play and me telling her I have something to take care of and me coming in and sitting down and watching tv popped into my head while walking this am... HOLY COW!! Are ya kiddin' me jules? This is ridiculous. So from now on, if all I'm doing is watching TV I need to stop! Either do something at the same time or just plain stop!!

Now here's something I thought I lost control of and thought I could gain control of and now am afraid I won't be able to... My cholesterol. It's dis-heartening to me to learn that all of my mothers siblings, grandmother, mom & brother are all fighting the cholesterol monster. I'm 31 and on medication already I've been hoping that with my lifestyle changes that at my 6 months check up that I can see about getting off of it... and now, I'm afraid that despite my getting myself to be needing the meds in my 30's... I may not be able to stop due to heredity. It's sorta depressing and has made me feel like what am I working so hard for? I know I know... negative talk sucks! But getting off those meds and staying off of them has been a driving force for me... and now... So i don't know. It's a lesson for me in, you can't control everything.

Also... here's a thought. Kids do all kinds of things with no control, reckless abandon really... and as adults we don't, we're reserved and we chose our recklessness in ways that we consider appropriate and responsible. We control ourselves to be proper and normal, etc... I wonder how much happier we'd all be if we shifted that control and used it to enjoy the little things a little more. To have less control in our lives where control is not needed. Like in laughing, crying and smiling. hhmmm... Food for thought or maybe not.

Always trying to control everything,
Jules