Lying to yourself... well err... myself

So, here's what I'm learning... or really, just finally admitting to myself. I'm fat. I've known that for a long time... BUT for a long time the person I see in the mirror IS NOT the person i see in pictures. Why is that? I mean come on, it's the same me... I don't morph an extra 30lbs (they say 10, but i see 30) when a picture is taken. It's there always & forever every minute of every day... really, it's an extra 75lbs that seem to morph into pictures. How does that happen, it's a bunch of LOADED bulls**t. So i just don't take pictures because they lie.

Except the truth is... it IS a lie I choose to not see. the fat, It's always there, when i look in the mirror I lie to myself. I look for what's good, or ignore the really bad. Which means all i ever really see is my eyes up or my ankles down. Isn't that sick. There's so much more to me... So where am I in my minds eye? how did I disappear? By lying to myself. It's so easy.

When i saw my wrist disappear, you know that definition that is usually there. Better yet where did that balloon of a forearm that extends from my hand come from? The pudgy sticks attached to my palm, where'd they come from? Why won't my wedding rings fit any more? The one I love... i don't even look down at my feet because then I have to bend over some. I mean HELL!! These are things I've been dealing with for years now and I'm JUST realizing How much I've missed them. The lies I told myself were stupid too. It was always like that... or of course you can't be the same as you were when you were 18, as you get older your body changes. Or it was always like that, you just chose not to see it. All lies. And even ignoring the problem is a form of a lie. Ignoring it as if it wasn't happening is a lie.

Do you lie to yourself about anything?

Since starting this journey I've been working VERY VERY hard at not lying to myself. And some day's the image in the mirror isn't what i see in pictures. But now it's different reasons; like I'm losing weight so of course it's going to be different.

No more ignoring the view either, i see all my fattiness in it's full disgusting glory and try to see the changes (I don't see) that others see. Side note: My mom horrified me on Sun when she excitedly grabbed me and said how amazing I look and look how loose my shirt was. I think I look the same, but -11lbs is what the scale says. (yes, I know see the new lie.) I felt like my shirt fit the same. Anyhow.. this all leads to now that I'm not lying to myself pictures don't scare me. i don't scare me. I see my current view as a Halloween costume, a fat suit I'm forced to wear for the time being. it's a fat suit I don't have to be comfortable in... But I must feel comfortable in the person inside the fat suit.

For years I've said I'm looking to find who i am... Because I was hiding her, lying to myself about who she must be. Why? I'm still looking for the answer, but while I work on shedding this grotesque Halloween costume I MUST get happy with my inner me or this fat suit will forever be my view. Which means getting down and dirty as to why I've been hiding her and who is she? Why would i need to hide her?

So if you are lying to yourself, STOP IT! You are worth the truth no matter how hard it is to face. You'll be better for it! Without stopping the lies you tell yourself daily, you can't shed the lbs. Ok you could... but You'll gain it right back. For the 1st time in my adult life, I'm trying to change the why I'm fat, not just the fat. I've Yo-Yo'd before and I won't do it again, so the lies are under the bright lights and I'll tell ya, I'm scared shirtless. Really i am. Some of the things I've been remembering or bringing out of lies freak me out and make me want to eat and cry and worse, hide again. I almost wonder if I need therapy... but isn't therapy just the work you do with someone else to uncover what's going on and changing the view of those events?

For now, you all reading this, is my therapy. not sure what I'll share... But it's therapy none the less. Is this my safe place?

Always,
Jules

P.S. My view is changing!! Yesterday I noticed the balloon on my forearm is deflating. i can see some wrist bone. HOLY CRAP!! Maybe I need to add taking measurements to my weigh ins 1x a month to help further improve my truthfulness..... hmmmm.....