Today i am HAUNTED

Today i am haunted by my past, haunted by the fat girl I'm running away from, haunted by my failures.

huh....
Running away from....
that's my most fitting....
my most poignant statement of my life.

So where to begin. 1st of all again, I will tell you. I'm scale obsessed. Yes, it's an obsession I need to break. Haven't figured out how to. Let hubby hide it from me and only bring it out on Sunday mornings? What... how.... I don't know. Do I really want to? So far it's been a blessing in disguise. HOW? Because so far it's been something that has had a positive effect on me. But this last 2 weeks, it's been a negative AND a positive. A Positive that is pushing me to my limits. Both mentally and physically. I choose to see every negative as a path to a positive. BUT just like last week... The scale has been mean. really, you could just read last weeks post except for a little change. So here's where I'm at

Sun +.2
Mon -2
Tues +3
Wed -2
Thurs +1

Yes I know those #'s are EXACTLY why you're NOT suppose to weigh yourself every day. But here's the thing... Until this morning, those #'s mentally meant nothing to me. I mean really, I KNOW the only # that matters is Sunday's weigh in. But just like last week, I'm freaking today. I've got 3 days until weigh in and what the hell is going on? Why? I've been working so hard this week. So hard to eat just like I did those 1st 4 weeks, to exercise more and harder. To just be the ME I know I can be and AM!

So, tune in to this morning. Here's where things started going wrong for me. Step on the scale, see it's at 189 again. WHAT THE HELL! What am I doing wrong? Enter in little miss fatty (my devil)
her: what's wrong is you can't do this. See... you can't lose weight
me: BUT I can. I know I can. This is not me
her: but the scale doesn't lie
Me: Silence
Her: think about it, every time you try to lose weight, you lose it just to gain weight. you're happier fat. You're body is tryin' to tell you it doesn't want to lose those 11lbs you've lost.
Me: BUT
Her: no really, think about it... you lose, you gain, you lose, you gain. That is your bodies signal telling you it's happier with the weight you lost and it wants it back.
Me: but I'm not happier. I'm worse
her: #'s don't lie

I walked away. I finally shut her down. This is exactly what I've always battled. No matter how much I've ever weighed (it was like this when i was 140 too), when I Yo-Yo I always used to tell myself that it's because my body is naturally happier with the extra. BUT DAMN IT! I'm not! I walked away because all i wanted to do was cry... and this feelings leads me to feeling crappy... and consequently i eat. I was even feeling hungry. So I came in here and sat down for some comfort. I turned to all of you. I turned to the blogs I follow and just read. And then, I got up, put my shoes on and left the house. Reading your blogs helped me feel stronger. Feel better. And then, as I strapped on my MP3 player and my watch... I got mad! DAMN IT!! MADDER THAN H*LL!!!!

Side note: the song playing right now is The Cranberries - Free to Decide. And damn it! I am free to decide. Free to be rid of this fat. Free to decide to stop this vicious cycle.

So I started my timer and set off in a different direction this morning for my walk. And just thought. Thought about my week. Except for eating out 1 day (and It was a 7pt choice, and then kiddo's leftovers were 8pts), I've stayed on task. I haven't used any other flex points or AP points, EXCEPT For that eating out day. I've been exercising... even have decided on a circuit training regime and implemented it. I've done so good. So why? Why? why? why? And while thinking about this i decided the WHY doesn't matter.

Here's the facts of Me: I'm a retainer. I'm some one who retains every ounce of water her body can hold. 1 tsp of salt and I'll retain for weeks. I'm still trying to get into the habit of drinking 4 bottles of water or more. I'm lucky if I manage 4 bottles 1x a week. So... there you go. Here's another fact... I need to up my amount of time I exercise. It's a fact that i need to up the intensity, I need to push myself to the limits and I'm not.

So while changing my starting point and changing direction I realized. That's kinda the whole point of this excursion of lifestyle change that I'm on. Every week is a new week and every day is a new day. I tell all of you that every day in my comments and although i follow it and live it. I need to up it. I need to up the stakes. Every week I need to look at what more I can do to push the limits; my limits.

And without realizing it, I already had done that this morning. I woke up 15 minutes earlier than usual. I started my walk earlier so that i had more time before missy had to be up. Originally I wanted to fit in a circuit before I got her up. BUT instead I did something I thought I was a few months away from doing. I decided to increase my distance. No more just a mile. Damn it! I need to start walking until i can't any more. Not only did I walk. I ran. I ran... lets see.... 9 different times today. I can't say how far each one was... But my breathing stayed slow and steady and I pushed myself. I didn't over do it each time. I made sure my heart rate stayed in my zone and by the time I saw my street to go home... I felt jelly legs coming. I started to tell myself I wouldn't be able to go the same way home that I started out on... and there fore, turned the can't into I will. I pushed the stride a little harder and took the same path in as I took out. When I saw the street where I can see my house... I ran it. Total i did 29.29min and 1.47mi. I'd say i ran 3/4 of that, but I don't know for sure. I feel like I did more than that, but most importantly I kicked the haunted feeling to the curb. No matter what the scale says... I am doing this not for the weight. I'm doing this for my life. To live longer and weight is just a bonus. I need to remember that daily.

That's all folks. Kick your own haunting to the curb today. Even if it's just for today. :) So as bad as the day may have felt when i started... it's so a GREAT DAY!!!

Always,
Jules