Yesterday WAS a challenge that i lost

I decided when i woke up yesterday that I'd have it be my day off. Working out 7 days a week is bad... ok... could be good while i try and get back into wanting to do it instead of grumbling and wearing I won't do it... but they say it's bad. And since I had to drive out to timbuck2 for work, I stopped for a short visit with a friend of mine out there, then spent the rest of the day shopping... i decided trying to stress over fitting in a 4th day in a row workout... was better left for another day.

I feel like I did ok all day. Packed snacks and lunches the whole works... and then... I don't know.

Some mind altering ego maniac took over my body AND my brain. It was fat girl, back with FULL FORCE punch me in the stomach, knock me out kind of possession. I could swear all I want that I wasn't me. And then 1 container of donut holes later... I was sick. I seriously felt possessed and sick to my stomach. I don't think I've ever felt like that... the things going thru my head... things like if I don't eat them now... i never will again... where the hell did that come from? i don't deprive myself of anything; it's a rule I have... moderation. But i don't keep containers full of things like cookies, donuts, cakes, etc.. Because I know in just a few short days... I'll have eaten them all. So I buy 1 of what I want. 1 cookie, 1 donut, 1 piece of cake. no matter the cost. For instance, I've been craving root beer floats so i PLANNED ahead to have them today...

So what the F**K happened. I always Say no... no matter how bad I want them... i say no. No to a plethora of them. But not no to a single serving. I have my limits... at least I usually do. If I'm just super dying for something like that... I go buy 1... 1. Not a whole container of them. Why oh why oh why. I can tell ya... I certainly gave myself just an inkling of what binging and purging is like. What people go thru who suffer from it. OMG! I'm just horrified today... and yeah... scarred. so freaking afraid.

I've gotta kick this depression. It's seriously starting to freak me out.

I ended up in tears, puking from disgust and just down right so disgusted with myself... I'm just full of fear.

So... All I can think of today is BOY was yesterday a day off. Wasn't what I had in mind. Wasn't what i want.

The GOOD thing I did do yesterday (before said above happened) is go buy wrist weights. Ankle weights will come in a few weeks when i can spend the money. I love my Wii EA Active, but as much as I used to love my resistance bands, using them with the remotes in hands... makes them rub against skin... and I don't like it. I've tried using weights in my hands with the remotes... too hard. So yesterday I bought 2/2lb wrist weights to use with my EA (and maybe even for an hour during my day as accessories, when I'm cleaning house, etc...) so that i can get a good strength workout without having the remotes be an issue, etc... So I'm excited to use them today during my 1 hour workout session I have planned. When I'm going to do it... is still to be decided.

Always,
Jules