Grief is never far away

Yesterday I was all set with a post to update you guys on things the Dr said, things that have been going on around here, and really, just a really great update. And as usual I got caught up on all my favorite blogs first (because lets face it I love hearin' what you all have to say). :)

And then i read Jenn's blog @ Priorfatgirl. And I couldn't stop crying when i read about the sudden and tragic loss of her mom. My heart started bleeding and I started crying for Jenn and her family. For their loss, for their pain and the sorrow that they will be going thru for months to come. If I was there with her, I'd be doing anything and everything i could to help them thru this. I know there are NO words I can say to her or her family. But just being there to sit beside them to help them thru this. But I can't. I live too damn far away... oh and yeah, there's that little thing of I really don't know Jenn. From everything I've read that her mom wrote and Jenn said of her, she was an amazing woman and even blog land is going to miss her, miss her dearly.

But i have to admit... Reading about the loss of her mom; ripped open a seam that has yet to heal in my own life. A seam of grief that since I found out about this pregnancy has slowly been loosening up. Almost immediately finding out about this pregnancy, I thought of my dad and how I can't share it with him. Which led me to my brothers wedding, he will be missing from that occasion too. And then as August quickly approached, I started to remember that August is when life in my family, started falling apart. The beginning of August is when Dad found out about the cancer. August 14th is when dad had his surgery. August is the last time he laid eyes on my daughter, he had a short few days where he was actually recovering very nicely... and then he went down hill again and had to go back to ICU. August is the last time I ever had a REAL conversation with my dad. August was the start of losing my dad.

So when i read about Jenn's loss of her mom, although the tears started for her and her family... the tears haven't stopped because that loosening seam ripped open like a geyser and has not stopped. Despite how excited I am about the next 9 months... the next few months are going to be the 2nd hardest of my life. Last year I spent 2 months having hope my dad would pull thru. Sadly, in my heart... i think i knew he wouldn't make it. But the longer he held on, the more hope I had. And Dad had been sick before... very sick... sick where we feared he wouldn't make it... and he DID!! He ALWAYS persevered! So really, my hope was based on the past. His past will to fight. Some times I still hope he'll walk thru that door and give me a hug. Like it was a cruel joke. I wouldn't care about the cruelty of it... I'd just be glad for my dads arms to be around me again. For him to just be here.

I try every day to be sure I talk to my daughter about my dad. She has pictures of him she looks at every day. My cousin made her a scrapbook of pictures of my dad, so she can always remember. We have him in our nightly prayers and I know he's up there looking down on her playing and laughing along with her. But yesterday and today... I'm just feeling the loss of him even more than I have in months.

He died Oct 17, 2008. 2 months after his surgery. And a year later it feels like yesterday. So the post I had in mind will have to wait. I have some grieving to do and some tears to get out. Memories to remember. Yesterday, I even realized I has forgotten he always called my daughter his little Cheeky girl.

Always,
Jules