Food, food, I'm plagued by food.

OK... so I meant to write this yesterday, but yesterday turned out to be a REALLY bad day. Doesn't help to have a good day when the hubby comes home from work and we fight... and then me... get all upset and crying all day. Yeah, I see today it's probably the hormones going full speed because... all i want to do is cry and it has NOTHING to do with yesterday. Go figure.

Anyhow, it's time for me to write this post. I just need to get all this off my chest. Where else better to do so than here. :)

First of all, disclaimer here: I'm not an idiot, I'm being healthy.... in no way am I endangering myself or my child I eat when I'm hungry plain and simple.

I'm struggling with food. BIG TIME!! I just don't know WHAT to do, where to go, how much to eat, what to eat. I'm struggling with changing my habits I gained over the last umpteen months in a healthy balancing way and still eating enough for the baby and myself. I'm just plain struggling with food.

1 minute I feel like I'm on a free for all. Like last week. I ate relatively well, outside of the 5 fast food meals I ate. This week, what got into me when i went grocery shopping? Cheese Nips, lays AND sour cream (a deadly combo for me as the 2 are just too good together to pass up). I baked cookies for the hubbies lunches instead of buying them because well, we have 3 jars of PB and have no other way to use it up... and what have I been doing. EATING them, but not portion controlling very well, Portion control is key... is that what I'm lacking? I don't know, it's probably part of it.

All in all. I wouldn't say I'm binging. I'm snacking. When i get snacky, I grab the cheese nips, eat more than my fair share (probably 3 servings) or I grab the lays (same thing probably 3 or 4 servings) AND the sour cream (Which was suppose to be used for a meal) and eat... I do think I go overboard, because anything OVER 1 servings of anything is sometimes going overboard. But I don't think I'm binging because I do stop and I don't go grab something else after, i just snack till I'm snacked out and then... by dinner... I'm still full from snacking... and don't want to eat, but have to. Or maybe I'm just lying to myself. After dinner or lunch is when i usually get snacky for sweets. Instead of my frozen dark kisses to lull this monster... I've been grabbing 3 or more cookies.

I feel lost at what to do. On one hand... My head is screaming YOU CAN'T EAT THAT!! What have you learned all these months!! If i listen. I eat like I was... I eat my points, ALL of them (plus 1 or 2 extra if I exercise and I try not to eat more then 5 flex points in a day)... but calorie wise, I end up on the really low end. I do eat when I'm hungry despite the points and calories, i just try to make smart choices on those day's I'm being "good". I'm talking 1100-1300 calories, tops on those days. HOW? Just eating the way I used to. Which scares me... that seems WAY too low for being pregnant. But for being an obese pregnant girl? is it? I just don't know. I had JUST started counting calories when i found out i was pregnant. So i don't know what i averaged before.
So then i freak out a little and listen to the part of me (maybe the devil side) and eat more... add more cheese, eat a full on sandwich as a snack... eat those cheese nips, etc... and then I'm up towards 2400-3000 calories a day. WTH!!

Where is my in between person? What is right. I know, talk to my Dr. I don't feel he was much help. He said that if I want to raise my calories don't go over 10% higher of what I was eating before my pregnancy and we can adjust if need be. But i don't know what I was at before since I was counting points, not calories. I don't know if 28 points +AP & FP points is too low. I looked in my prego book and it says 300 calories more a day... BASED ON WHAT!! On a dieters calories of 1200-1500 or normal maintaining calories which i don't even know WHAT those equal.

I'm lost and fumbling and confused. I don't really know where to go what to do. I admit this week I've felt like I've given up. And today... this is why I feel so upset and sad. I'm probably putting too much concern on all of it. But I'm afraid 8 months from now that I'll be back at square 1 and don't want to do that. But I HAVE to be at least as healthy as before I was pregnant when this child is born. I do, it's a fact. For me and for this baby to not be at risk like my first was.

I know i need to re-focus, re-evaluate and find my bearings. I need to do this FAST!! But I'm not sure where to start. Looking up calorie counting gives me so much to search through... I don't know where to go on the WWW. It's daunting.

I have been walking this week. I admit though, I had 2 days off in a row. I'm just so tired by the time 6 rolls around. It's hard to go walking. But I told myself I WOULD NOT miss more than 2 days this week. So I will get my 5 in. I FEEL that in my bones. That I will not falter on. That i vow. I do need to get in my strength training and be more consistent with that. I've been BAD since starting. Today I'm going to start using my Yoga Mama prego tape from my last pregnancy and hope it also helps soothe my mind and soul and give me the added benefit of just moving.

So there you have it. I'm a food mess. Food used to be on my mind 100% of the time... but these days, I just can't get it OFF my mind AT ALL. It's plaguing me.

What website do you use to give you knowledge when it comes to healthy living, Calorie counting, etc... I'm open to suggestions of where to go from here. :)

Thanks for listening or ummm... reading. I don't feel ready to cry any more. Now I just feel like I have a lot of work to do in research.

Always,
Jules